I rarely watch an episode of the Dug.gers, but after hearing that the season finale this week was going to be about their recent miscarriage, I felt compelled to watch. So I recorded it, and finally worked up the courage to play it yesterday.
And I have to say, I didn't shed as many tears as I thought I would. Instead, the episode brought me so much peace within myself. Yes, watching their ultrasound where they learned the horrific news that their baby no longer had a heartbeat was heart-wrenching. It bought me back to all 3 of our ultrasounds where we found out the same news. I felt like I was on that table with Michelle experiencing what she was experiencing right there with her. (And I have to give her props for handling that moment with so much more grace than I ever have).
But the way she later spoke about her strong faith helped me to confirm what I already believed. I have to say I've let my religion slip a little over the years. Once I moved away from home, I haven't been able to find a church that I like, or one where I feel like I belong. Even though I don't regularly attend church, however, I've never stopped believing in God. Strangely our losses have made my faith stronger, while a lot of times people in these situations lose sight of it. I've always believed we will be reuinted with our babies again someday. So it brings me so much comfort that someone like Michelle, who has studied the bible way more than I have, believes the same thing.
There is a lot of controversy out there over them choosing to make this time in their life public and air it on TV. I'll admit I have differing opinions on them and their choices. However, every time I do watch them, all I see is kindness, compassion, and love. I think they are doing a great job in raising their children to be good, honest people who will be a positive contribution to society.
What I don't understand is why people are okay with watching, say, some extravagant wedding of a Kar.dash.ian, whose marriage is only going to last .5 seconds, but they are not okay with someone sharing their real life experience of a miscarriage. I'm sure the majority of those people who view it as wrong are those who haven't experienced it themselves. The only reason they shy away from it, it because they don't want to face the reality that it could happen to them.
So for that, I say thank you Michelle. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I know it could not have been easy for you. I could see that it wasn't easy for you. I could see the pain in your eyes when you spoke to the camera. Thank you for making those of us who have gone through a similar experience feel a little less alone. Thank you for bringing the subject of miscarraige out into the open. And thank you for teaching us more about your faith and reaffirming what I already knew to be true, but also find myself questioning at times.
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Welcome ICLWers!
Hello all, and welcome to my blog. I am a 30 year old with PCOS. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and together for 6. We are trying to start the family we've always wanted, but finding it to be much harder than we ever thought. In the last year I have been pregnant three times, and lost all three. Not many people can say they have been pregnant three times in one year, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach that I can say that.
I started this blog in March of last year, shortly after my first miscarriage. When I started it, I expected to blog about my journey through infertility for a few months, and then have it quickly turn into a pregnancy blog, and then write about raising our first child and our life in general. I never in a million years dreamed I would be sitting here a year later, still writing about our struggle, with two more losses under our belt.
My husband and I are at a bit of a stalling point now in our TTC journey. My ob/gyn has basically chalked all three losses up to "bad luck" and wants us to just keep trying and doing what we've been doing (Clomid). Neither one of us can accept that and feel like we need to have more testing done before moving forward. I plan on making an appointment with a RE in the very near future to explore our options.
I look forward to meeting some new faces and getting to know you!
I started this blog in March of last year, shortly after my first miscarriage. When I started it, I expected to blog about my journey through infertility for a few months, and then have it quickly turn into a pregnancy blog, and then write about raising our first child and our life in general. I never in a million years dreamed I would be sitting here a year later, still writing about our struggle, with two more losses under our belt.
My husband and I are at a bit of a stalling point now in our TTC journey. My ob/gyn has basically chalked all three losses up to "bad luck" and wants us to just keep trying and doing what we've been doing (Clomid). Neither one of us can accept that and feel like we need to have more testing done before moving forward. I plan on making an appointment with a RE in the very near future to explore our options.
I look forward to meeting some new faces and getting to know you!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Assumptions
I find it interesting how many people assume that you haven't had trouble conceiving. I was talking with a coworker (who I have been pretty open with about my miscarriages) today and she made some comments that threw me off a little bit. I don't know how we got on the subject, but she started talking about how she couldn't imagine having to give herself injections, take her temperature every day before she gets up, and time intercourse at the right time in order to get pregnant like some people do. I wanted to say, "But that's pretty much what I had to do to get pregnant!" But I didn't. Once again, I remained silent.
You may remember this post where I talk about struggling with being able to be open and honest about our losses, but still can't bring myself to admit the other side of it. The infertility side, and what it took for us to get pregnant in the first place.
And then I got to thinking, why does everyone make the assumption that people don't have trouble getting pregnant? Just because I've been pregnant doesn't mean it didn't take a little extra effort to get there. It's amazing how infertility doesn't even cross the minds of the majortiy of the population, but yet there are so many out there struggling with it. Thinking about this also made me sad, because I realized I'm guilty of the exact same thing.
I thought about the friends I talked about in that same post, who miscarried with their second pregnancy. They already had one healthy child, and so I made the assumption that they don't have trouble getting pregnant. I assumed that their miscarriage was a fluke, and soon they will be announcing their next, healthy, pregnancy.
I also thought about these friends, and how insanely jealous I instantly became when I found out they were expecting, even though I knew it was wrong of me because of the hardships they faced with the pre-term birth of their daughter. I assumed they easily got pregnant this time, but how do I really know that?
I guess when you are an infertile, you do feel isolated and that you are the only one dealing with it. It's easy to assume that everyone else who has children had them handed to them. But the reality is a fairly large percentage of them likely had some struggles along the way.
This coworker, along with others, have made similar comments after finding out about one of our miscarriages. "Well at least you don't have any trouble getting pregnant." In a way, I mockingly laugh inside when I hear that from someone. Like, I know something you don't know, ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sure some day I'll come clean, as I feel the pressure to more and more. I'm sure once we meet with the RE and get some things figure out and get a plan in place, I'll feel like I'm at a place then to possibly come out about our infertility. But, until then I'll just pretend to others like I'm normal and fertile. You know, just like everyone else is....
*A funny side note. Here's a clip of our conversation today:
Coworker: What does basil temperature even mean? Do you have to stick it up your butt??
Me: Haha, no.
I thought all the infertiles out there would find this funny :)
You may remember this post where I talk about struggling with being able to be open and honest about our losses, but still can't bring myself to admit the other side of it. The infertility side, and what it took for us to get pregnant in the first place.
And then I got to thinking, why does everyone make the assumption that people don't have trouble getting pregnant? Just because I've been pregnant doesn't mean it didn't take a little extra effort to get there. It's amazing how infertility doesn't even cross the minds of the majortiy of the population, but yet there are so many out there struggling with it. Thinking about this also made me sad, because I realized I'm guilty of the exact same thing.
I thought about the friends I talked about in that same post, who miscarried with their second pregnancy. They already had one healthy child, and so I made the assumption that they don't have trouble getting pregnant. I assumed that their miscarriage was a fluke, and soon they will be announcing their next, healthy, pregnancy.
I also thought about these friends, and how insanely jealous I instantly became when I found out they were expecting, even though I knew it was wrong of me because of the hardships they faced with the pre-term birth of their daughter. I assumed they easily got pregnant this time, but how do I really know that?
I guess when you are an infertile, you do feel isolated and that you are the only one dealing with it. It's easy to assume that everyone else who has children had them handed to them. But the reality is a fairly large percentage of them likely had some struggles along the way.
This coworker, along with others, have made similar comments after finding out about one of our miscarriages. "Well at least you don't have any trouble getting pregnant." In a way, I mockingly laugh inside when I hear that from someone. Like, I know something you don't know, ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sure some day I'll come clean, as I feel the pressure to more and more. I'm sure once we meet with the RE and get some things figure out and get a plan in place, I'll feel like I'm at a place then to possibly come out about our infertility. But, until then I'll just pretend to others like I'm normal and fertile. You know, just like everyone else is....
*A funny side note. Here's a clip of our conversation today:
Coworker: What does basil temperature even mean? Do you have to stick it up your butt??
Me: Haha, no.
I thought all the infertiles out there would find this funny :)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Entitled
After each of my losses I find myself going through this period of...entitlement. I feel like being able to have anything I want is the only trade-off from losing a baby that pacifies me. Like, if I can't have a baby, then I'm entitled to this AND that.
Jeff is a pretty conservative spender. I wouldn't necessarily call him frugal, he just takes time (a really long time) to think about a purchase before going forward with it. Before meeting him, I was pretty much the opposite. If I saw something I wanted, I bought it. If I racked up a $300 credit card bill, it was no big deal. Fortunately (or unfortunately - however you want to look at it), since meeting Jeff I've changed my ways. I now find myself hating credit cards and only using them when absolutely necessary, and immediately paying off the balance. If I see something in a store that I really want, I walk away and tell myself to sleep on it and that it will still be there the next day if I decide it's something I really need. And most of the time I decide I can live without it.
But oh how my attitude changes after a miscarriage. I start asking myself what's the point in saving money if we don't have daycare, diapers, and formula to pay for? Might as well buy whatever makes me happy in the moment, right? I bought a few things while shopping with my mom last week, but for the most part I've refrained from purchasing several other things I want....thus far. I find myself starting to weaken, however, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.
I've also made many Star.buck's runs in the last week for $4 lattes. And I have been eating whatever carb-loaded foods I feel like eating. Unfortunately this has led to me gaining 3 pounds in the last week. Ugh. I really need to get back on track with my diet and exercise, it's just hard to find the motiviation right now.
I know these are just coping mechanisms, which is perfectly normal and understandable. I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with it either - there's much worse things I could be doing to cope besides spending money and eating junk food. I just find it interesting how strong this sense of "entitlement" becomes immediately after each loss.
Jeff is a pretty conservative spender. I wouldn't necessarily call him frugal, he just takes time (a really long time) to think about a purchase before going forward with it. Before meeting him, I was pretty much the opposite. If I saw something I wanted, I bought it. If I racked up a $300 credit card bill, it was no big deal. Fortunately (or unfortunately - however you want to look at it), since meeting Jeff I've changed my ways. I now find myself hating credit cards and only using them when absolutely necessary, and immediately paying off the balance. If I see something in a store that I really want, I walk away and tell myself to sleep on it and that it will still be there the next day if I decide it's something I really need. And most of the time I decide I can live without it.
But oh how my attitude changes after a miscarriage. I start asking myself what's the point in saving money if we don't have daycare, diapers, and formula to pay for? Might as well buy whatever makes me happy in the moment, right? I bought a few things while shopping with my mom last week, but for the most part I've refrained from purchasing several other things I want....thus far. I find myself starting to weaken, however, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.
I've also made many Star.buck's runs in the last week for $4 lattes. And I have been eating whatever carb-loaded foods I feel like eating. Unfortunately this has led to me gaining 3 pounds in the last week. Ugh. I really need to get back on track with my diet and exercise, it's just hard to find the motiviation right now.
I know these are just coping mechanisms, which is perfectly normal and understandable. I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with it either - there's much worse things I could be doing to cope besides spending money and eating junk food. I just find it interesting how strong this sense of "entitlement" becomes immediately after each loss.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Surviving
I have one word to sum up this weekend: Sad. I was pretty miserable doing nothing but sitting around the house all weekend crying, but at the same time I wanted to do nothing else but that. If I would have let myself, I think I could have cried for hours and hours and still had tears left. The tears and sobbing would just come out of nowhere and it took all I had to make myself stop. I found myself getting frustrated with Jeff for not doing something to make me feel better. And then I would feel guilty for getting upset with him because I knew I was in a place where nothing anybody did or said would make me feel better anyway.
I know the majority of this is from my hormones being completely messed up right now, and I will feel better with time, but I sure wish this feeling would hurry up and pass quickly. I have so many thoughts circling in my head right now, that it seems bullets are appropriate to lay it all out there.
I know the majority of this is from my hormones being completely messed up right now, and I will feel better with time, but I sure wish this feeling would hurry up and pass quickly. I have so many thoughts circling in my head right now, that it seems bullets are appropriate to lay it all out there.
- What happens if we can't ever have children? Can we be happy with it being just the two of us? If we don't ever have kids, what will we do to fill the weeks, months, years to feel like we're still living a full life? As the years go by will we start to be resentful towards each other? I know it sounds cliche, but it's true that these losses have brought us so much closer. Right now I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever. But will it always be that way if we keep getting hit repeatedly with these hard blows?
- As much as I'm hurting for myself, I'm hurting even more for Jeff. He would be the best daddy and it kills me that I can't give him that.
- 2011 was such a horrible year and I had so much hope for 2012. Now, as quickly as the year started, all hope for a 2012 baby is already gone. In fact, the likelihood of us having a baby even a year from now is pretty slim. I'm already dreading the holidays this year, it will be our 3rd Christmas since TTC where we're empty-handed.
- I'm anxious to meet with a RE and hopefully starting testing and getting some answers. At the same time I'm not. I don't have the strength for it yet.
- As much as part of me wants to hurry up and try again, a bigger part of me does not. I'm scared to death of being pregnant again and having this all taken away a 4th time. I'm not sure how many more times I can go through this, and not having any kind of guarantee that the next pregnancy will be viable scares the crap out of me.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Just What The Doctor Ordered
I think I found the perfect Rx for getting through the heartache of miscarriage: spending time with my mama.
My mom was in town yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and prior to all this, we had plans to go out to lunch and spend the afternoon together. After finding out about this miscarriage, I was a little hesitant to go through with our afternoon plans, as I was afraid I would be bawling my eyes out the entire time and walking around in a depressed haze. But I decided to follow through - and I'm so glad I did.
Not only did she let me cry on her shoulder when we first saw each other, but she also gave me the encouragment I needed to stand up for myself and seek out a second opinion and demand more extensive testing. Taking me out for lunch, some retail therapy, and a Shamrock Shake didn't hurt either.
And you know what else I did yesterday? I laughed. A lot. My mom and I have always had a really great relationship, but it's been awhile since I've been able I really had a fun time with my mom. So like I said, it was exactly what I needed. I'm so grateful to still have my mom in my life, as I know so many others who have lost parents early in life. I'm so thankful I have a mom who has always been open and honest with me - about anything. I know she'll be there for me no matter what.
So thanks mom, I love ya.
And I also want to thank every one of you who have commented in the last couple days. I'm amazed at the outpouring of support I have received from so many. I'm so thankful for this community, even though I hate there are so many of us who struggle with infertility and pregnancy & baby loss. I intend on checking out each and every one of your blogs and learning your stories also over the weekend. I look forward to supporting all of you in the future the way you have supported me this week.
My mom was in town yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and prior to all this, we had plans to go out to lunch and spend the afternoon together. After finding out about this miscarriage, I was a little hesitant to go through with our afternoon plans, as I was afraid I would be bawling my eyes out the entire time and walking around in a depressed haze. But I decided to follow through - and I'm so glad I did.
Not only did she let me cry on her shoulder when we first saw each other, but she also gave me the encouragment I needed to stand up for myself and seek out a second opinion and demand more extensive testing. Taking me out for lunch, some retail therapy, and a Shamrock Shake didn't hurt either.
And you know what else I did yesterday? I laughed. A lot. My mom and I have always had a really great relationship, but it's been awhile since I've been able I really had a fun time with my mom. So like I said, it was exactly what I needed. I'm so grateful to still have my mom in my life, as I know so many others who have lost parents early in life. I'm so thankful I have a mom who has always been open and honest with me - about anything. I know she'll be there for me no matter what.
So thanks mom, I love ya.
And I also want to thank every one of you who have commented in the last couple days. I'm amazed at the outpouring of support I have received from so many. I'm so thankful for this community, even though I hate there are so many of us who struggle with infertility and pregnancy & baby loss. I intend on checking out each and every one of your blogs and learning your stories also over the weekend. I look forward to supporting all of you in the future the way you have supported me this week.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Goodbye Angel #3
We didn't get good news at our appointment today. There was no heartbeat and it was measuring 2 weeks behind. I'm devastated. I'm not ready to give up this fight yet, but I really don't know how much more I can take.
My doctor feels like we're doing everything possible, and there's just no explanation for it. After 3 losses I'm starting to find that to be a pretty tough pill to swallow. I feel like I need more answers than what we've gotten so far. She said we can do chromosonal testing on both Jeff and I to see if there are any issues there. However, if there is something chromosonal/genetically wrong with us, nothing can be done to change it. She said issues with the uterus itself can sometimes cause miscarriage, but mine appears to be find to her and she really doesn't think that's an issue.
So, I don't know what to do. My doctor wants to keep doing what we're doing and hope for the best. I feel like I need more than that. I don't know if such a thing as egg quality really exists, but I can't help wondering if my PCOS is affecting the eggs themselves, and therefore things just aren't right from the start? Would moving on to injectibles instead of dinking around with Clomid give us a better result, and reduce our chance for miscarriage somehow? She doesn't think so. If we were to seek a second opinion - would we go back to the RE we consulted with a year ago? Is there some other type of doctor who specializes in things like RPL?
Obviously, Jeff and I have a lot of things to talk about and a lot of decisions to make. We went ahead and scheduled a D&C for this Friday. So first we'll get through that and take things one step at a time from there. God, I really don't want to be going through this again. I wish someone could just put me to sleep and wake me up in a month when the hardest part of this, emotionally and physically, is over with.
My doctor feels like we're doing everything possible, and there's just no explanation for it. After 3 losses I'm starting to find that to be a pretty tough pill to swallow. I feel like I need more answers than what we've gotten so far. She said we can do chromosonal testing on both Jeff and I to see if there are any issues there. However, if there is something chromosonal/genetically wrong with us, nothing can be done to change it. She said issues with the uterus itself can sometimes cause miscarriage, but mine appears to be find to her and she really doesn't think that's an issue.
So, I don't know what to do. My doctor wants to keep doing what we're doing and hope for the best. I feel like I need more than that. I don't know if such a thing as egg quality really exists, but I can't help wondering if my PCOS is affecting the eggs themselves, and therefore things just aren't right from the start? Would moving on to injectibles instead of dinking around with Clomid give us a better result, and reduce our chance for miscarriage somehow? She doesn't think so. If we were to seek a second opinion - would we go back to the RE we consulted with a year ago? Is there some other type of doctor who specializes in things like RPL?
Obviously, Jeff and I have a lot of things to talk about and a lot of decisions to make. We went ahead and scheduled a D&C for this Friday. So first we'll get through that and take things one step at a time from there. God, I really don't want to be going through this again. I wish someone could just put me to sleep and wake me up in a month when the hardest part of this, emotionally and physically, is over with.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
"Bring Back That Eerie Feeling"
Can I just say there have been some very, very eerie reminders lately of my first pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant this time pretty much around the same time I found out the first time I was pregnant. So needless to say, being pregnant again at the same time this year stirs up some raw emotion in me - which is caused by the most random, stupidest things.
For example, Saturday afternoon Jeff and I were being total bums laying around watching TV and napping. The doorbell rang and my first thought was, "awe man, who is that going to be? I'm trying to nap here!" When I opened the door there was a little Girl Scout standing there selling cookies (woot! woot!). After I got my cookies (by the way, I'm loving this direct sale stuff this year) and shut the door, it hit me. I remembered last year on a Saturday morning shortly after I found out I was pregnant, sleeping on the couch while Jeff was at work, and a neighbor girl ringing the bell to take my cookie order.
And, speaking of these awesome cookies some more, one of my high school classmates posted on Face.book that his daughter was selling cookies again this year and to let him know if anyone wanted some. I had ordered from them last year, and he stopped by the afternoon of my D&C to drop them off (we had already made plans for him to stop by before we found out about the miscarriage, and what was I suppose to do? Call him up and say, oh I had my baby sucked out of me this morning, can you stop by another time? No, I sucked it up and still had him come - and I needed a box of Cararmal de lites to make me feel better anyway).
So, while I love Girl Scout cookie time and all their wonderful ooey-gooeyness, it brings up some bad memories for me.
Secondly, we got our taxes done last night (woot! woot! for a big return this year). We got our taxes done on Valentine's Day last year. I had just hit 8 weeks that day and remember coming home afterwards and taking our first belly shot. So, while I'm happy we can now afford to buy that pillow top king-size bed I've been dreaming about, getting our taxes done brings back a bad reminder of what should have been.
T-minus 1 week until my first appointment. Thank goodness I'm busy at work and the days are going by fast.
Happy Valentine's Day!
For example, Saturday afternoon Jeff and I were being total bums laying around watching TV and napping. The doorbell rang and my first thought was, "awe man, who is that going to be? I'm trying to nap here!" When I opened the door there was a little Girl Scout standing there selling cookies (woot! woot!). After I got my cookies (by the way, I'm loving this direct sale stuff this year) and shut the door, it hit me. I remembered last year on a Saturday morning shortly after I found out I was pregnant, sleeping on the couch while Jeff was at work, and a neighbor girl ringing the bell to take my cookie order.
And, speaking of these awesome cookies some more, one of my high school classmates posted on Face.book that his daughter was selling cookies again this year and to let him know if anyone wanted some. I had ordered from them last year, and he stopped by the afternoon of my D&C to drop them off (we had already made plans for him to stop by before we found out about the miscarriage, and what was I suppose to do? Call him up and say, oh I had my baby sucked out of me this morning, can you stop by another time? No, I sucked it up and still had him come - and I needed a box of Cararmal de lites to make me feel better anyway).
So, while I love Girl Scout cookie time and all their wonderful ooey-gooeyness, it brings up some bad memories for me.
Secondly, we got our taxes done last night (woot! woot! for a big return this year). We got our taxes done on Valentine's Day last year. I had just hit 8 weeks that day and remember coming home afterwards and taking our first belly shot. So, while I'm happy we can now afford to buy that pillow top king-size bed I've been dreaming about, getting our taxes done brings back a bad reminder of what should have been.
T-minus 1 week until my first appointment. Thank goodness I'm busy at work and the days are going by fast.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Stepping Back
I'm thinking about taking a step back for a while from both blogging and some TTC message boards I hang out on. Since finding out I'm pregnant again, I've had my positive and negative days, although I'm trying very hard to have more positive ones than negative. This weekend my mom and Jeff kind of ganged up on me and told me I need to think more positive about this pregnancy, and they are right. Today driving in to work I was feeling pretty good. I was thinking to myself, there is no reason for this not to work out. Our first two losses were basically chalked up to bad luck, my RPL testing showed I have no autoimmune or blood clotting disorders that will affect anything, I actually ovulated close to a "normal" time this cycle, and I'm on progesterone supplements and Metformin. Basically, I feel like I have everything going for me this time around. So, based on that I was feeling positive.
Then I got to work and opened up my list of blogs I follow. There was an update from one who went in for her first OB appointment yesterday when she was 8w4d, and there was no heartbeat.
At my first appointment on the 21st I will be 8w4d. Needless to say, all kinds of horrible thoughts of the same thing happening to me flooded my mind. And that's when I decided I need to stay away from all this. Yes, I want to be here to support everyone I have come to know and care about, but for my own sanity and peace of mind I feel like I need to stay away for awhile, as seeing things like this does not put me an a good mental state.
So that is my stance today, although I'm sure I will still find myself lurking to keep up on everyone (I know it's going to be hard to stay away). Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to update with good news, and be in a better place emotionally to be ready for all this interwebz stuff again.
Then I got to work and opened up my list of blogs I follow. There was an update from one who went in for her first OB appointment yesterday when she was 8w4d, and there was no heartbeat.
At my first appointment on the 21st I will be 8w4d. Needless to say, all kinds of horrible thoughts of the same thing happening to me flooded my mind. And that's when I decided I need to stay away from all this. Yes, I want to be here to support everyone I have come to know and care about, but for my own sanity and peace of mind I feel like I need to stay away for awhile, as seeing things like this does not put me an a good mental state.
So that is my stance today, although I'm sure I will still find myself lurking to keep up on everyone (I know it's going to be hard to stay away). Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to update with good news, and be in a better place emotionally to be ready for all this interwebz stuff again.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I Was Wrong
This morning when I peed on a stick, two pink lines appeared. I couldn't believe it, and I still am a little shocked. My first reaction was to freak out (naturally) and start crying, thinking about all the bad ways this pregnancy could end. I really don't think I can handle a third miscarriage. Poor confused Jeff asked why I was crying and said "But I thought we wanted to get pregnant?" He told me I need to think positive. He's always the optimist.
So, now I need to start the progesterone suppositories. I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor's office to get this filled and get some more instructions on how to use them. I guess one reason I'm super paranoid about the outcome of this pregnancy is because my doctor just called me late yesterday to let me know my progesterone results from last week. It was 11.5 (at 6dpo). For those of you who aren't familiar with this, they want to see it over a 10 on a nonmedicated cycle, and over 15 on a medicated cycle. So, that number basically confirmed I did ovulate, but the number wasn't as high as they want to see. So now I feel panicked to start the progesterone ASAP (I called them 2 hours ago and no call back yet - grrrr!).
I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, but need some time to gather them. If anyone has used progesterone (vaginal) suppositories, and has any suggestions/advice, I'll gladly take it.
So, now I need to start the progesterone suppositories. I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor's office to get this filled and get some more instructions on how to use them. I guess one reason I'm super paranoid about the outcome of this pregnancy is because my doctor just called me late yesterday to let me know my progesterone results from last week. It was 11.5 (at 6dpo). For those of you who aren't familiar with this, they want to see it over a 10 on a nonmedicated cycle, and over 15 on a medicated cycle. So, that number basically confirmed I did ovulate, but the number wasn't as high as they want to see. So now I feel panicked to start the progesterone ASAP (I called them 2 hours ago and no call back yet - grrrr!).
I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, but need some time to gather them. If anyone has used progesterone (vaginal) suppositories, and has any suggestions/advice, I'll gladly take it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Warning: Infertile Inside
Today I had my Clomid check (check for cysts and get progesterone drawn) with my Ob/Gyn. I think every single pregnant lady or new mom with their baby decided to make an appointment on the same day as me. Normally I'm fine with seeing the occassional pregnant patient in the office, as I know it's bound to happen in an Ob/Gyn's office. But seriously, every.single.patient. today was knocked up. Ouch.
And even that wouldn't be so bad, except I sat in the waiting room for 45 minutes before I finally got called back. And in that time a dozen pregnant women were called back while I sat....and waited...and waited...and waited. I felt like a leper. I felt like I was low on the priority list just because I wasn't pregnant. I can picture the receptionists conversation now: "Who is that patient out there still waiting? Oh, she's an infertile? Well, she can wait then."
I know that's not how it is at all. There are 5 physicians in this practice so I'm sure I was just the lucky one who's doctor was running behind. But still, it made me feel really crappy. When I show up they should hang a sign on the door that reads: 'Warning: Infertile Inside, Pregnant Women Enter at Your Own Risk.'
The other thing that stung today was the conversation I had with Dr. C. We were talking about how many cycles of Clomid we'll try, etc. She said something to the effect of: "Once we get you ovulating you seem to not have a problem getting pregnant - it's the staying pregnant part that is an issue now."
Gulp. I know all this, believe me I do. But it was the first time I've actually heard my doctor say it out loud to me. Staying pregnant is an issue. I guess I expected my doctor to be the optimistic one that would say having two miscarriages in a row was normal and something she saw all the time. But no, it's an issue for my doctor just as much as it's an issue with me. Sigh.
On a good note, I'm pretty sure I did finally ovulate last week (on CD17 nonetheless - that's good right?!). I know I've said it before but I'm going to say it again, I'm in love with the 2WW (two week wait). It's 1,000 times less stressful than waiting to ovulate. I really do want to thank everyone for their comments on my Mid-Cycle Freakout post. I helps so much to know I'm not crazy and that everyone else has felt that way at some point in their journey. I feel so lucky to have "met" all of you. This blogging community is so amazing.
XOXO
And even that wouldn't be so bad, except I sat in the waiting room for 45 minutes before I finally got called back. And in that time a dozen pregnant women were called back while I sat....and waited...and waited...and waited. I felt like a leper. I felt like I was low on the priority list just because I wasn't pregnant. I can picture the receptionists conversation now: "Who is that patient out there still waiting? Oh, she's an infertile? Well, she can wait then."
I know that's not how it is at all. There are 5 physicians in this practice so I'm sure I was just the lucky one who's doctor was running behind. But still, it made me feel really crappy. When I show up they should hang a sign on the door that reads: 'Warning: Infertile Inside, Pregnant Women Enter at Your Own Risk.'
The other thing that stung today was the conversation I had with Dr. C. We were talking about how many cycles of Clomid we'll try, etc. She said something to the effect of: "Once we get you ovulating you seem to not have a problem getting pregnant - it's the staying pregnant part that is an issue now."
Gulp. I know all this, believe me I do. But it was the first time I've actually heard my doctor say it out loud to me. Staying pregnant is an issue. I guess I expected my doctor to be the optimistic one that would say having two miscarriages in a row was normal and something she saw all the time. But no, it's an issue for my doctor just as much as it's an issue with me. Sigh.
On a good note, I'm pretty sure I did finally ovulate last week (on CD17 nonetheless - that's good right?!). I know I've said it before but I'm going to say it again, I'm in love with the 2WW (two week wait). It's 1,000 times less stressful than waiting to ovulate. I really do want to thank everyone for their comments on my Mid-Cycle Freakout post. I helps so much to know I'm not crazy and that everyone else has felt that way at some point in their journey. I feel so lucky to have "met" all of you. This blogging community is so amazing.
XOXO
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mid-Cycle Freakout
Today is CD16. This is usually the time every cycle where I start to have slight panic attacks, get frustrated with my body, and start to lose hope that I will ever a) ovulate, b) get pregnant again, and c) stay pregnant.
Every cycle once I coast right past CD14 (you know, the day when "normal" people ovulate) I start questioning everything:
I know I sound like a raging lunatic. But honestly, every single one of these thoughts ran through my head (multiple times) last night as I tried to go to sleep.
Someone please have me committed.
At least then I wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff.
Every cycle once I coast right past CD14 (you know, the day when "normal" people ovulate) I start questioning everything:
- What if the Clomid doesn't work this cycle and I don't ovulate?
- Why is my doctor still dinking around with 50mg, shouldn't we be moving me up to 100mg?
- Am I doing the right thing by continuing to treat with my OB/GYN instead of a RE?
- If I was treating with an RE instead, would he be doing anything differently?
- What if we don't get pregnant this cycle? That means the number of Clomid cycles we can do is diminishing, and what if we have to move on to injectibles with a RE?
- Will Jeff or myself be able to give me shots if it comes down to that?
- Does ovulating later than "normal" mean my eggs are a poorer quality? Is this the reason for my miscarriages? Is there even such a thing? If there is, then maybe I don't want to get pregnant this cycle afterall.
- What if we get burned out of having sex and miss my fertile window, simply because it takes me so long to ovulate and we get sick of doing it by then?
- What if I don't get pregnant again with Clomid alone? What if someday it comes down to IVF? Will that be a huge waste of money if I can't even stay pregnant?
- Why does this have to be so hard?
I know I sound like a raging lunatic. But honestly, every single one of these thoughts ran through my head (multiple times) last night as I tried to go to sleep.
Someone please have me committed.
At least then I wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff.
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Half Truth
I feel deceitful.
We came out to more friends of ours this weekend about our losses. This couple lives out of town and it's been a year since we've seen them (crazy how time flies). They came tailgating with us. When the morning started off I wasn't sure if I was going to share our losses with them or not. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it from them, I just wasn't sure if tailgating was the proper time to discuss such a huge topic. I figured if it came up, it came up, and if not, fine.
I will make a confession here: This couple already has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. So I was bracing myself for another pregnancy announcement. As she stepped out of their car, I held my breath, preparing to see a bump. I didn't see one and let out a huge sigh of relief. Then I found out she was drinking a cup of coffee with Bailey's in it. Another even bigger sigh of relief escaped me. Phew, I dodged another pregnancy announcement bullet.
Over the course of the morning the subject of our nieces and nephews came up. For some reason the time just felt right to me, and I basically blurted out to her "I've had two miscarriage this year." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I've had one too." So, we talked (and cried) about our losses, and our husbands even joined in on the conversation. It felt so freeing to just let it all out and be open and honest about what is such a taboo subject.
One thing I have found is when the subject of miscarriages come up, the conversation inevitably leads to infertility. About how there are other couples we know that can't even get pregnant. There are other men out there who have to stick shots in their wives' butts in order to have a chance at getting pregnant. There are other couples we know that may never have kids at all because they've been doing treatments for a long time and they aren't working.
This is how the conversation turned this weekend and I didn't say anything. I stayed silent. I didn't speak up about our own infertility. I never do. Why? I'm not sure. I told Jeff later that I feel so guilty for only telling people the half-truth. I have no problem being 100% open about our losses, but for some reason I'm so scared to admit we are dealing with infertility also. Both miscarriage and infertility are taboo topics in our society, but why is one more easier to admit to than the other? I am a "face of infertility" and should be representing this community, but I don't.
I simply remain silent.
We came out to more friends of ours this weekend about our losses. This couple lives out of town and it's been a year since we've seen them (crazy how time flies). They came tailgating with us. When the morning started off I wasn't sure if I was going to share our losses with them or not. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it from them, I just wasn't sure if tailgating was the proper time to discuss such a huge topic. I figured if it came up, it came up, and if not, fine.
I will make a confession here: This couple already has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. So I was bracing myself for another pregnancy announcement. As she stepped out of their car, I held my breath, preparing to see a bump. I didn't see one and let out a huge sigh of relief. Then I found out she was drinking a cup of coffee with Bailey's in it. Another even bigger sigh of relief escaped me. Phew, I dodged another pregnancy announcement bullet.
Over the course of the morning the subject of our nieces and nephews came up. For some reason the time just felt right to me, and I basically blurted out to her "I've had two miscarriage this year." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I've had one too." So, we talked (and cried) about our losses, and our husbands even joined in on the conversation. It felt so freeing to just let it all out and be open and honest about what is such a taboo subject.
One thing I have found is when the subject of miscarriages come up, the conversation inevitably leads to infertility. About how there are other couples we know that can't even get pregnant. There are other men out there who have to stick shots in their wives' butts in order to have a chance at getting pregnant. There are other couples we know that may never have kids at all because they've been doing treatments for a long time and they aren't working.
This is how the conversation turned this weekend and I didn't say anything. I stayed silent. I didn't speak up about our own infertility. I never do. Why? I'm not sure. I told Jeff later that I feel so guilty for only telling people the half-truth. I have no problem being 100% open about our losses, but for some reason I'm so scared to admit we are dealing with infertility also. Both miscarriage and infertility are taboo topics in our society, but why is one more easier to admit to than the other? I am a "face of infertility" and should be representing this community, but I don't.
I simply remain silent.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
New and Improved Plan
I had my follow up appointment with my OB and here is our plan moving forward:
- I started on Metformin ER (extended release) 500mg, and will continue to take that through the 1st trimester when I get pregnant again.
- I had 11 vials of blood drawn yesterday for my RPL testing, results pending.
- Once my period decides to make it's grand entrance, I will take Clomid again since it seems to work for me. If my period doesn't start by the first part of December I am to call for Provera to induce one.
- When I get pregnant again I will be on progesterone suppositories through the 1st trimester.
I'm so happy with this plan. It's everything I was hoping for going into this appointment. What's great is my OB suggested most of these things so I didn't even have to push her to do any of it. I've had this inner struggle for a long time as to whether or not I should be moving on to an RE. However, I feel so comfortable with my OB and feel like she's doing all the right things at this point that I'm glad I decided to stick it out with her. Obviously if I don't get pregnant again with a few more cycles of Clomid, it might then be time to re-evaluate things. But for now, I couldn't be more excited about our plan and the possibilities of what the future holds!
- I started on Metformin ER (extended release) 500mg, and will continue to take that through the 1st trimester when I get pregnant again.
- I had 11 vials of blood drawn yesterday for my RPL testing, results pending.
- Once my period decides to make it's grand entrance, I will take Clomid again since it seems to work for me. If my period doesn't start by the first part of December I am to call for Provera to induce one.
- When I get pregnant again I will be on progesterone suppositories through the 1st trimester.
I'm so happy with this plan. It's everything I was hoping for going into this appointment. What's great is my OB suggested most of these things so I didn't even have to push her to do any of it. I've had this inner struggle for a long time as to whether or not I should be moving on to an RE. However, I feel so comfortable with my OB and feel like she's doing all the right things at this point that I'm glad I decided to stick it out with her. Obviously if I don't get pregnant again with a few more cycles of Clomid, it might then be time to re-evaluate things. But for now, I couldn't be more excited about our plan and the possibilities of what the future holds!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Too Much to Ask For?
I'll just start this post off by saying I'm a little mad. This is basically going to be nothing but a vent.
We have season tickets for our college football team, and every home game we tailgate with a few friends. The first home game this year I was just 8 weeks pregnant, but we decided to throw caution to the wind and go ahead and tell them we were expecting. And besides, I'm a bit of a lush and we knew it was going to be obvious anyway the second I refused a beer. So naturally, get a few women together, and the first two games it was all baby talk. How were we going to decorate the nursery? Were we going to find out the gender? Did we have any names picked out yet?
And then I miscarried.
This Saturday was the first game since the miscarriage. We made sure our friends had known about the miscarriage ahead of time so there wouldn't be the awkward - "where's your baby bump?" moment. One of the girls had called me this week to see how I was doing, and asked me about it again when we first met up (before the other couple had arrived yet). Then our other friends showed up. And the wife did not awknowledge the miscarriage at all. I did not get one simple "I'm sorry" out of her.
As the morning went on, I kept waiting for her to say something, and my blood pressure continued to rise with every minute that passed with her not saying anything. When we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, I instantly started venting to Jeff. All he could say was "well, some people just don't know what to say in situations like that."
Really?
Is that really an acceptable excuse? Is it really okay for a 30-something year old woman (who has a child herself and should be able to guess what the pain of losing a child would feel like) to just not say anything to another woman who experienced a loss? I understand it's an uncomfortable situation, but in my opinion that is not a good enough excuse to not say anything. Those of us who have lost do no expect much. We don't expect flowers, cards, gifts. All we ask is for an "I'm sorry." A simple acknowledgement of a life that was lost. Is that really too much to ask?
I'm sure many of you have experienced the same thing, and I would love to hear your experiences and how you dealt with them.
We have season tickets for our college football team, and every home game we tailgate with a few friends. The first home game this year I was just 8 weeks pregnant, but we decided to throw caution to the wind and go ahead and tell them we were expecting. And besides, I'm a bit of a lush and we knew it was going to be obvious anyway the second I refused a beer. So naturally, get a few women together, and the first two games it was all baby talk. How were we going to decorate the nursery? Were we going to find out the gender? Did we have any names picked out yet?
And then I miscarried.
This Saturday was the first game since the miscarriage. We made sure our friends had known about the miscarriage ahead of time so there wouldn't be the awkward - "where's your baby bump?" moment. One of the girls had called me this week to see how I was doing, and asked me about it again when we first met up (before the other couple had arrived yet). Then our other friends showed up. And the wife did not awknowledge the miscarriage at all. I did not get one simple "I'm sorry" out of her.
As the morning went on, I kept waiting for her to say something, and my blood pressure continued to rise with every minute that passed with her not saying anything. When we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, I instantly started venting to Jeff. All he could say was "well, some people just don't know what to say in situations like that."
Really?
Is that really an acceptable excuse? Is it really okay for a 30-something year old woman (who has a child herself and should be able to guess what the pain of losing a child would feel like) to just not say anything to another woman who experienced a loss? I understand it's an uncomfortable situation, but in my opinion that is not a good enough excuse to not say anything. Those of us who have lost do no expect much. We don't expect flowers, cards, gifts. All we ask is for an "I'm sorry." A simple acknowledgement of a life that was lost. Is that really too much to ask?
I'm sure many of you have experienced the same thing, and I would love to hear your experiences and how you dealt with them.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Welcome ICLWers!
Hello fellow bloggers! I've only participated on ICLW once, and it was several months ago, so excuse me if I'm a little rusty. After our second loss I felt compelled to participate again and try to reach out to others that may be going through the same things I am.
A quick background: I'm 30 and my husband is 37. We have been together for over 5 years, and married for 2. We started TTC a year and a half ago, and a handful of fertility drugs and two miscarriages later, we are right back to where we started. I always suspected I would have some trouble conceiving, but never in a million years dreamed it would take this long, or that we would face not one, but two, losses.
Where we stand today: our second loss was just a couple weeks ago. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in two weeks and at that time we'll be discussing in more detail having testing done for RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss).
I look forward to "meeting" some new people and following your journeys!
A quick background: I'm 30 and my husband is 37. We have been together for over 5 years, and married for 2. We started TTC a year and a half ago, and a handful of fertility drugs and two miscarriages later, we are right back to where we started. I always suspected I would have some trouble conceiving, but never in a million years dreamed it would take this long, or that we would face not one, but two, losses.
Where we stand today: our second loss was just a couple weeks ago. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in two weeks and at that time we'll be discussing in more detail having testing done for RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss).
I look forward to "meeting" some new people and following your journeys!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Doing Well
I have to say I'm doing suprisingly well. I almost feel guilty for admitting that. For some reason this loss hasn't hit me as hard as the first one. Maybe it's because I've been through it before and know what to expect? Maybe it's because I was half-way bracing myself for this outcome throughout this whole pregnancy? Maybe it's because I simply hate feeling sad and depressed, and have therefore refused to let myself feel that way? Maybe it's because it's been confirmed twice now that we can get pregnant, and after the first loss I was worried it would be the one and only time we would even get pregnant? Whatever the reasons may be, I'm just grateful that I have been able to stay so strong about this.
I went back to work today. I ended up taking all of last week off, which, miscarriage or not, was a much needed break. I made the mistake of going back to work 2 days after my D&C the first time, and cried the entire day. I think being thrown back into the real world so quickly was way too hard for me, and so with this loss I decided to give myself that time and slowly ease back into the world. It feels good to be back though. It's nice to get back into a routine and have life feel normal again.
One thing I do know is I will not let infertility and pregnancy loss beat me. I'm ready to fight this battle, no matter how long it takes and how hard I have to fight. Bring it on suckers, because I will not let you win. You can beat me down all you want, but I'm just going to get up that much stronger each time, ready to fight that much harder.
I went back to work today. I ended up taking all of last week off, which, miscarriage or not, was a much needed break. I made the mistake of going back to work 2 days after my D&C the first time, and cried the entire day. I think being thrown back into the real world so quickly was way too hard for me, and so with this loss I decided to give myself that time and slowly ease back into the world. It feels good to be back though. It's nice to get back into a routine and have life feel normal again.
One thing I do know is I will not let infertility and pregnancy loss beat me. I'm ready to fight this battle, no matter how long it takes and how hard I have to fight. Bring it on suckers, because I will not let you win. You can beat me down all you want, but I'm just going to get up that much stronger each time, ready to fight that much harder.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Goodbye Again
This week we had to say goodbye again. We've lost yet another baby. We went in for our NT Scan yesterday, and discovered there was no heartbeat. The baby was only measuring 7w6d, and I was suppose to be 12w. I was devastated, and started bawling right then and there. I couldn't believe my worst nightmare was coming true right before my very eyes. What was suppose to be a fun, exciting appointment where we were going to watch our little one and get some great photos to take home turned into one of the worst days of my life.
My doctor was on call and was, thankfully, able to still call me last night around 5:30. I told her I wanted a D&C again, and she agreed that would be the best thing to do. She was able to get it scheduled for this morning. In that respect, I'm just thankful for the quick response and that we were able to start putting this behind us sooner rather than later.
As of tonight, I'm doing okay. I think somehow I'm more accepting of it this time, or maybe I'm just still numb from it all. I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things about both miscarriages that bothers me a lot, is the fact that my body takes so long to recognize it. I've been walking around for the last 4 weeks thinking all was well, and it wasn't. My boobs were still sore and big, I was still pretty exhausted on a daily basis, and I was even starting to get a little bump.
Where do we go from here? My doctor said they normally don't do testing until you've had 3 miscarriages, but said she completely understands if we're ready to take that next step now. As soon as Jeff and I found out yesterday we already had decided we wanted testing before moving forward. So after my levels drop back to zero, we'll do that testing. Then, assuming nothing is found with that, next pregnancy I'll be on progesterone suppositories up until about 12 weeks. She said that low progesterone could be what's causing this, but of course now there is no way to know for sure now. She also said the supplements might not help anything, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try them. So, all things considered, I'm glad we at least have a plan in place moving forward.
I'm going to spend the next few months working on improving myself. I'm not happy at all with the weight I've let myself creep back up to. So I plan on making some changes with my diet and exercise and just spend this time focusing on getting healthier, which certainly can't hurt if/when I get pregnant again.
I still can't believe all these labels I now find myself in. Infertile. Recurrent miscarriage. Ugh, when will it finally be our turn to get what we want and be happy??
My doctor was on call and was, thankfully, able to still call me last night around 5:30. I told her I wanted a D&C again, and she agreed that would be the best thing to do. She was able to get it scheduled for this morning. In that respect, I'm just thankful for the quick response and that we were able to start putting this behind us sooner rather than later.
As of tonight, I'm doing okay. I think somehow I'm more accepting of it this time, or maybe I'm just still numb from it all. I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things about both miscarriages that bothers me a lot, is the fact that my body takes so long to recognize it. I've been walking around for the last 4 weeks thinking all was well, and it wasn't. My boobs were still sore and big, I was still pretty exhausted on a daily basis, and I was even starting to get a little bump.
Where do we go from here? My doctor said they normally don't do testing until you've had 3 miscarriages, but said she completely understands if we're ready to take that next step now. As soon as Jeff and I found out yesterday we already had decided we wanted testing before moving forward. So after my levels drop back to zero, we'll do that testing. Then, assuming nothing is found with that, next pregnancy I'll be on progesterone suppositories up until about 12 weeks. She said that low progesterone could be what's causing this, but of course now there is no way to know for sure now. She also said the supplements might not help anything, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try them. So, all things considered, I'm glad we at least have a plan in place moving forward.
I'm going to spend the next few months working on improving myself. I'm not happy at all with the weight I've let myself creep back up to. So I plan on making some changes with my diet and exercise and just spend this time focusing on getting healthier, which certainly can't hurt if/when I get pregnant again.
I still can't believe all these labels I now find myself in. Infertile. Recurrent miscarriage. Ugh, when will it finally be our turn to get what we want and be happy??
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Busting My Own Miscarriage Myths
***Warning: some of this may be TMI for some***
I really don't like to dwell on the past, especially my miscarriage, but it's something that I can't help but find myself thinking about every once in awhile. It still amazes me how my prior conceptions of what I thought a miscarriage is like were so different than what I actually experienced. So, in this post I'm writing about those personal misconceptions and I'm busting my own myths.
*Note: none of these statements are necessarily based on scientific facts, but from my own, personal experience.
1. There is a very slim chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat is detected.
I was 7w2d at my first prenatal appointment. Dr. C. did an ultrasound and everything looked perfect. I knew what day I O'd, and the baby was measuring correctly right to the day. There was an obvious heartbeat. Basically, everything looked perfect and I thought I was in the clear for the next 33 weeks or so. Yes, the rate of miscarriage decreases a little once a heartbeat is seen (around 6-7 weeks), however it doesn't drop significantly until a heartbeat is heard (around 10-12 weeks). And even then, bad things can still happen at any moment during a pregnancy.
2. A miscarriage begins with cramping and heavy bleeding.
My miscarriage started with very light bleeding on a Friday night. So light that I really thought it was "normal" (despite what some might say, I now do not believe any bleeding is normal in pregnancy) spotting or bleeding. This continued through the weekend until I was able to get to a doctor to get checked on that Sunday night. It remained light into that Monday, and I had yet to have any cramping. Around noon on that Monday I started having horrible cramps that lasted for about 5 hours. They then, thankfully, subsided. I had my D&C the following morning. At the time I went in for the D&C I still had yet to experience any heavy bleeding.
3. The cramps associated with a miscarriage are simply like really bad menstrual cramps.
Uh, no. I felt like I was going to die that Monday afternoon. Seriously. I had never experienced so much pain before in my life (and I've been through appendicitis, which I thought was pretty painful). I remember telling Jeff (as I lay writhing in pain) that if this is anything close to what labor feels like, women are idiots for wanting to do it naturally (I don't mean to offend anyone out there choosing natural birth, but it's certainly not for me, especially after I've had a small taste of what it would be like).
4. As soon as development stops, a miscarriage will immediately start.
This is the one that bothers me the most. Our baby had stopped developing two weeks before we knew it. Two weeks before I started to have any signs whatsoever that something was wrong. I stupidly walked around for two weeks thinking everything was just fine when it wasn't. This is mostly why we (Jeff and I made the decision together) decided to opt for having the D&C versus letting things happen naturally. If two weeks had already gone by with nothing happening, how much longer was it going to take? I didn't want to sit around and wait to find out.
5. Doing all the "right" things will prevent a miscarriage.
With the last pregnancy I completely cut out caffeine. I stopped eating tuna altogether (even though they say it's okay to eat occassionally). I completely stayed away from artificial sweeteners. I didn't eat lunch meat, even if it was warmed up. I tried to do all the right things they say you are suppose to do in pregnancy, and I still miscarried. That's why this time around I'm continuing to live my life like I always have because I know it doesn't make a difference. Whatever is going to happen will happen. I'm staying away from the obvious things (alcohol, ibuprofren, still limiting my tuna intake). But I am still enjoying my morning cup of coffee (or skinny caramal macchiato from Starbucks for my weekly splurge).
I really don't like to dwell on the past, especially my miscarriage, but it's something that I can't help but find myself thinking about every once in awhile. It still amazes me how my prior conceptions of what I thought a miscarriage is like were so different than what I actually experienced. So, in this post I'm writing about those personal misconceptions and I'm busting my own myths.
*Note: none of these statements are necessarily based on scientific facts, but from my own, personal experience.
1. There is a very slim chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat is detected.
I was 7w2d at my first prenatal appointment. Dr. C. did an ultrasound and everything looked perfect. I knew what day I O'd, and the baby was measuring correctly right to the day. There was an obvious heartbeat. Basically, everything looked perfect and I thought I was in the clear for the next 33 weeks or so. Yes, the rate of miscarriage decreases a little once a heartbeat is seen (around 6-7 weeks), however it doesn't drop significantly until a heartbeat is heard (around 10-12 weeks). And even then, bad things can still happen at any moment during a pregnancy.
2. A miscarriage begins with cramping and heavy bleeding.
My miscarriage started with very light bleeding on a Friday night. So light that I really thought it was "normal" (despite what some might say, I now do not believe any bleeding is normal in pregnancy) spotting or bleeding. This continued through the weekend until I was able to get to a doctor to get checked on that Sunday night. It remained light into that Monday, and I had yet to have any cramping. Around noon on that Monday I started having horrible cramps that lasted for about 5 hours. They then, thankfully, subsided. I had my D&C the following morning. At the time I went in for the D&C I still had yet to experience any heavy bleeding.
3. The cramps associated with a miscarriage are simply like really bad menstrual cramps.
Uh, no. I felt like I was going to die that Monday afternoon. Seriously. I had never experienced so much pain before in my life (and I've been through appendicitis, which I thought was pretty painful). I remember telling Jeff (as I lay writhing in pain) that if this is anything close to what labor feels like, women are idiots for wanting to do it naturally (I don't mean to offend anyone out there choosing natural birth, but it's certainly not for me, especially after I've had a small taste of what it would be like).
4. As soon as development stops, a miscarriage will immediately start.
This is the one that bothers me the most. Our baby had stopped developing two weeks before we knew it. Two weeks before I started to have any signs whatsoever that something was wrong. I stupidly walked around for two weeks thinking everything was just fine when it wasn't. This is mostly why we (Jeff and I made the decision together) decided to opt for having the D&C versus letting things happen naturally. If two weeks had already gone by with nothing happening, how much longer was it going to take? I didn't want to sit around and wait to find out.
5. Doing all the "right" things will prevent a miscarriage.
With the last pregnancy I completely cut out caffeine. I stopped eating tuna altogether (even though they say it's okay to eat occassionally). I completely stayed away from artificial sweeteners. I didn't eat lunch meat, even if it was warmed up. I tried to do all the right things they say you are suppose to do in pregnancy, and I still miscarried. That's why this time around I'm continuing to live my life like I always have because I know it doesn't make a difference. Whatever is going to happen will happen. I'm staying away from the obvious things (alcohol, ibuprofren, still limiting my tuna intake). But I am still enjoying my morning cup of coffee (or skinny caramal macchiato from Starbucks for my weekly splurge).
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Broke Down
Last night I broke down. I feel like I’ve been really strong about this miscarriage, so much stronger than I expected. This is only the 3rd time since it happened where I’ve cried about it. And I don’t mean just crying, I’m talking about sobbing uncontrollably. What was getting to me is how alone I feel in all this. I feel like Jeff doesn’t feel the way I do about it (and our discussion last night confirmed this for me). He tells me he felt sad the week it happened but since then hasn’t really thought about it much and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset about it. I told him we lost a baby. I told him I’ll forever mourn this loss, even if we do go on to have healthy kids. I’m never going to forget about this one. None of that makes sense to him.
I don’t expect him to agree with my feelings. All I want is for him to comfort me on days I feel sad about it. I want to feel like I can talk about it and express my feelings without him looking at me like I’m some freak. I want him to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that he’s here for me.
Most days I’m fine with it. I really am. I feel like everything in life happens for a reason and I have learned so much from this experience. But on those rare days when I feel really down, I just want to know I can turn to him and not have to keep my feelings bottled up inside.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)