Last night I broke down. I feel like I’ve been really strong about this miscarriage, so much stronger than I expected. This is only the 3rd time since it happened where I’ve cried about it. And I don’t mean just crying, I’m talking about sobbing uncontrollably. What was getting to me is how alone I feel in all this. I feel like Jeff doesn’t feel the way I do about it (and our discussion last night confirmed this for me). He tells me he felt sad the week it happened but since then hasn’t really thought about it much and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset about it. I told him we lost a baby. I told him I’ll forever mourn this loss, even if we do go on to have healthy kids. I’m never going to forget about this one. None of that makes sense to him.
I don’t expect him to agree with my feelings. All I want is for him to comfort me on days I feel sad about it. I want to feel like I can talk about it and express my feelings without him looking at me like I’m some freak. I want him to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that he’s here for me.
Most days I’m fine with it. I really am. I feel like everything in life happens for a reason and I have learned so much from this experience. But on those rare days when I feel really down, I just want to know I can turn to him and not have to keep my feelings bottled up inside.