Thursday, May 26, 2011

Broke Down

Last night I broke down.  I feel like I’ve been really strong about this miscarriage, so much stronger than I expected.   This is only the 3rd time since it happened where I’ve cried about it.  And I don’t mean just crying, I’m talking about sobbing uncontrollably.  What was getting to me is how alone I feel in all this.  I feel like Jeff doesn’t feel the way I do about it (and our discussion last night confirmed this for me).  He tells me he felt sad the week it happened but since then hasn’t really thought about it much and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset about it.  I told him we lost a baby.  I told him I’ll forever mourn this loss, even if we do go on to have healthy kids.  I’m never going to forget about this one.  None of that makes sense to him. 

I don’t expect him to agree with my feelings.  All I want is for him to comfort me on days I feel sad about it.  I want to feel like I can talk about it and express my feelings without him looking at me like I’m some freak.  I want him to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that he’s here for me.  

Most days I’m fine with it.  I really am.  I feel like everything in life happens for a reason and I have learned so much from this experience.  But on those rare days when I feel really down, I just want to know I can turn to him and not have to keep my feelings bottled up inside.   


  1. hi - stopping by from ICLW
    I heard many times that for men the baby doesn' really exist until at least they feel at kick - but most of the time, until it gets born

    until then - their who;e focus is on you and your well-being

    perhaps you should tell your hubby how you feel - or, rather, what kind of support you expect. Men are thick that way. They tend to look at things practically and even diagnose you or give you advice. Tell him you need him to hold you and say everything'll be okay.

    And I am really sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best with the next attempt!

  2. Here from ICLW -

    You know, what you're feeling is very normal. That doesn't help at all, but it is. Over the past year and a half, we have been through three miscarriages and all of them have torn me up. With some of them, I thought I was doing ok until a month or so later...then, all of a sudden, I would have a panic attack or breakdown and just lose it. And it really hurt to feel that loss.
    My husband was less than no help. He never understood it the way I did. When there was a miscarriage, it was over and that was it. I don't think he understands to this day how much it hurt to lose those babies or why I'm upset. I'm not sure why men go that route. Perhaps it wasn't real to them? Perhaps they don't feel the loss as keenly? Perhaps they feel the need to be strong?

    In any sense, I don't know. But it's ok to feel bad and I hope you start to feel better.

  3. Hey from ICLW!

    I am so so very sorry to hear about your recent miscarriage. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Grieve however long and hard you need to, and know that with each day, things will get better. We're here for you!!!