Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Let's Get This Party Started

Guess what today is?  Cycle Day 3!  I had my baseline ultrasound today and everything looked good, so I'm on track to start Clomid tonight.  I'll take that for 5 days, then Follistim for the following 2 days, and then go back for another ultrasound to see how things are developing and go from there.   

I won't lie and say I don't have any reservations about this.  Of course it feels good to be back to trying, and all the hope it brings.  At the same time trying again means the possiblity of getting pregnant again, which means the possiblity of another miscarriage.  As scary as it is to think about going through that a fourth time, I can't let that stop us from trying.  I have to push those thoughts and "what if's" aside and focus on the positive and what we're doing at this moment.  

We're doing things differently this time, and I can't help but feel good about that.  I feel like we're in great hands, and if we do suffer another loss, I know these people will be there to pick us right back up again.  They are on our side and won't give up on us.      

Yay :)

Monday, May 21, 2012

Happy Birthday To Me!

I'll let you all in on a little secret:  my birthday was over the weekend :)

I'm too old to get wild and crazy like I use to, but Jeff and I did try out a new restaurant for dinner.  We had the most amazing sushi.  This was Jeff's first real sushi experience, so I was a little nervous that he would hate it.  But he loved it!  I'm so proud of him for trying it, and so excited he liked it.  This restaurant was really neat too, I think it may be our new favorite place (there was a reason I put 'trying new things' on our bucket list).

For your viewing pleasure:

(it was so yummy I forgot to take a picture until after we started digging in)

Oh, and here's the kicker.  Guess who was sitting at the table next to us?  My old ob/gyn!  We all remember her right?  So, needless to say, that made my dinner a little less enjoyable.  But after one glass of wine I didn't think much more about it.  I'm not sure she even saw me or recognized me.  And if she did, she probably doesn't have a clue I've "broken up" with her.  Still, it made dinner a bit awkward.

Mmmmm....sushi.  My mouth is watering still thinking about it today......

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I'm Ready

Before I get into talking about myself, I want to ask you all to take a moment to send some thoughts (and prayers if you're the praying type) to Maria and her husband.  They found out this week they are miscarrying for the 7th time.  My heart hurts for them.  I've never met her in person, but I can tell she has a very kind and compassionate soul, and it makes me so sad and angry that she has to go through this yet again.  I don't think I'll ever understand why this has to happen.....

Aside from that, here's where my head has been this week.

Monday I woke up to a temp rise and here were my thoughts. 

'Huh, I must have ovulated.  Yay for my body half-way cooperating.  <ensue panic>  Holy crap!  That means we'll be starting this rollercoaster all over again in just a couple weeks.  I'm not ready for this yet.  It's too soon.  I thought I'd have several more weeks before I had to start thinking about this stuff again.  What about my summer plans of enjoying ice cold beverages with Jeff?'

Then Tuesday morning I woke up and my temp had dropped back down to where it has been for the last month. 

'Damn you, stupid body for playing tricks on me.'    

I was in a horrible mood all day.  My shoulders and back were tense and I was just overall feeling very stressed. 

And then I realized something. 

This feeling I was experiencing was disappointment.

Which can only mean one thing.  I AM ready afterall. 

All it took was having that hope so quickly taken back away from me to realize how much I do truly want this.  Yes, it's a little bit scary.  But I'm excited for what our future holds.

And with that, my temp has gone back up and stayed up for the last 2 days now.  So who knows what's going on with my wonky body.  Time will only tell.  Until then, I'll do my best to be patient. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Hopeful Optimism

I actually feel hopeful and optimistic for once. 

We had our follow-up appointment with the RE yesterday, and things could not have gone any better.  I had a SIS (saline infusion sonogram) done and my uterus looks perfect.  Our karyotyping came back normal on both of us.  So this puts our recurrent losses as unexplained, and likely just a random chromosome issue. 

So what's our plan from here?  Next cycle we are going to do Clomid again, but add in injectibles (Follitism) and a trigger.  The RE wants to try to increase the number of follicles/eggs, as a way to increase the odds of at least one of them being healthy and sticking around.  Ideally they want to see 2 mature follicle, and I'm going to be monitored very closely as they don't want to risk having high order multiples.  I'll also be on progesterone during the 2 week wait. 

I'm so happy, and excited about this plan.  All along I kept thinking in the back of my mind that injectibles were the next step I was hoping to take, but at the same time was also nervous about going there.  But after a quick training session on how to do the injections, it doesn't seem like it's going to be that big of a deal.  I'll be using the Follitism Pen, and the needle is way shorter than I anticipated.

I saw a different RE than I did last time, and I really liked this one a lot.  He explained things in a way that made sense, and I agree 100% with his approach.  His bedside manner was awesome.  I think with this clinic you never know who you're going to see, but I hope I get to work with this doctor a lot more - well, not too much more but you know what I mean ;) 

I'm so happy I made this move, as they are already doing so much more than my ob/gyn would have.  The words she said to me, "a RE wouldn't do anything differently than what I'm doing" still rings in my head.  Every time they ask me at this office if I want a copy of my records sent to my ob/gyn I always say no.  I'm not sure how to answer that because I still haven't decided if I'll eventually go back to her or not.

One thing I'm most excited about with this plan is ditching the BBT and OPKs.  I've always hated those stupid OPKs anyway, the damn things rarely gave me a positive.  Even though we're doing more as far as fertility treatments go, I feel there's going to be way less stress and pressure on my part.  I feel like all I have to do is show up for monitoring appointments, take the medications when they tell me to, have sex when they tell us to, and let them worry about the rest.  I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

One thing that was very strange for me yesterday was having the ultrasound done.  This was the same place I had to go to have the NT Scan done where we found out about our second loss.  It was the first ultrasound I've had where there was no baby to look at, only an empty ute.  Leading up to the ultrasound my nerves were a wreck with anticipation, as I'm use to bracing myself for the bad news of not seeing a heartbeat.  When I realized what I was doing and that I didn't have to worry about that this time, I almost had to laugh at myself for being so crazy.  

The RE did discuss using IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening for unexplained RPL.  (side note: he volunteered this information without me having to ask about it - what a novel idea!)  He said there are only a few clinics in the country that endorse this, and their particular clinic does not.  He explained the reasons why, reasons which I understand and respect.  If we still keep getting the same outcomes, however, this is something they will consider down the road. 
So for the first time in a long time I'm hopeful again.  I feel so great about this plan and already sense good things happening for us in the near future.  We'll get started as soon as my period shows it's face again, which with me who knows when that will be.  Surprisingly I'm okay with waiting for that to happen whenever it happens.  I'm looking forward to just enjoying the start of summer with Jeff over the next several weeks, sans fertility treatments.  I feel like our time will come eventually, and for once I'm patient enough to wait for it.