Scared, But Moving On

I had my follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn this morning.  I was a nervous wreck going into it, as I was prepared to tell her I wanted to seek further testing and treatment with a RE.  I was worried about how she would react, but hopeful she would understand where I was coming from, and I even thought perhaps she would suggest this herself.  Just as I feared, when I suggested that maybe seeing a RE would be beneficial, she didn't take the bait. 

She doesn't think a RE would do anything differently than what she's doing.

She thinks seeing a RE would be beneficial if I wasn't ovulating, but since I respond to Clomid and don't have trouble getting pregnant, she doesn't think it would be necessary.

She's willing to do chromosomal analysis for Jeff and I, as well as a HSG.  However, she said if either of these things show something wrong, there's nothing that can be done about it anyway.  First, I don't believe that an issue with my uterus can't be fixed.  Most things can....right?  And yes I realize nothing can be done about our genetics.  However if, God forbid, blood tests show that either one of us has a chromosome issue, we'd much rather know about it now instead of going through this same cycle of getting pregnant and miscarrying over and over again.  Why would be put ourselves through that if we didn't have to?

She threw out other ideas of things to try:  Femera instead of Clomid, throwing baby aspirin in the mix even though I don't have clotting disorders.  She suggests these things but then stares at me like I'm suppose to be the one to decide what we do.  You're the doctor.  You need to tell me what do to.

As soon as I could see the conversation wasn't going to swing the way I wanted it to, I shut down.  I put up a wall, nodded my head, and said okay we'd think about it.  I wish I had the guts to just tell her we'll be going to a RE anyway, but by that point I didn't care.  I just wanted to get out of there so I could start crying (which you can bet I did as soon as I got to my car). 

I hate to bash my doctor, because up until she now she really has been great.  I've been through a lot with her in the 8 years I've been going to her.  I trust her.  I know it sounds stupid, but when I fantasize about having a baby, she's always been included in my fantasy as the one to deliver him/her.  So stepping away from her not only scares me, but also makes me sad.  I assume once I do achieve a successful pregnancy, I will be go back to her, but who knows where this new road is going to lead us in the future. 

I don't question her knowledge per say.  She is probably right for the most part, we may find she isn't doing anything different than a RE would do.  But what bothers me is she doesn't seem to be supportive of a second opinion.  She can't admit that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know it all.  And that maybe us seeing a specialist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

The other thing that has always bothered me, the thing I thought of while sitting in the room half naked for 35 minutes today waiting for her to see me, is I always feel like I'm not the priority in that office.  I feel like when I go there for a prenatal appointment, I get brought right back to the room, and I hardly have to wait for my doctor to come in.  But when I'm there for a Clomid check, or D&C follow-up appointment, I always have to wait a really long time.  It just makes me feel even that much more left behind.  Like the pregnant ladies are the important ones, and those who can't have a baby are on the bottom of the totem pole.  I'm ready to go to a doctor who's #1 priority all day every day is their patients' fertility.  Where we're all equally in first place instead of last.   

For some stupid, silly reason I wanted her blessing.  And I didn't get it.  And that upsets me.  But, I have to take this next step, with or without her blessing, because I know in my heart it's what is best for us. 

I'm so exhausted from the last year.  I feel like I have had to be my own advocate for so much.  I felt like I had to spend my time searching the internet to try and find an answer to our problems.  I'm just tired, and ready to put this in the hands of someone else.  I want to throw it all on a RE and tell him to take care of it.  Tell him to figure out what's wrong and what we need to do.  Have him make a plan for us.  Tell me what I need to do and where I need to be, and I'll do it.  I just can't think about it anymore...