Happy Birthday To Me!

I'll let you all in on a little secret:  my birthday was over the weekend :)

I'm too old to get wild and crazy like I use to, but Jeff and I did try out a new restaurant for dinner.  We had the most amazing sushi.  This was Jeff's first real sushi experience, so I was a little nervous that he would hate it.  But he loved it!  I'm so proud of him for trying it, and so excited he liked it.  This restaurant was really neat too, I think it may be our new favorite place (there was a reason I put 'trying new things' on our bucket list).

For your viewing pleasure:

(it was so yummy I forgot to take a picture until after we started digging in)

Oh, and here's the kicker.  Guess who was sitting at the table next to us?  My old ob/gyn!  We all remember her right?  So, needless to say, that made my dinner a little less enjoyable.  But after one glass of wine I didn't think much more about it.  I'm not sure she even saw me or recognized me.  And if she did, she probably doesn't have a clue I've "broken up" with her.  Still, it made dinner a bit awkward.

Mmmmm....sushi.  My mouth is watering still thinking about it today......

I'm Ready

Before I get into talking about myself, I want to ask you all to take a moment to send some thoughts (and prayers if you're the praying type) to Maria and her husband.  They found out this week they are miscarrying for the 7th time.  My heart hurts for them.  I've never met her in person, but I can tell she has a very kind and compassionate soul, and it makes me so sad and angry that she has to go through this yet again.  I don't think I'll ever understand why this has to happen.....



Aside from that, here's where my head has been this week.

Monday I woke up to a temp rise and here were my thoughts. 

'Huh, I must have ovulated.  Yay for my body half-way cooperating.  <ensue panic>  Holy crap!  That means we'll be starting this rollercoaster all over again in just a couple weeks.  I'm not ready for this yet.  It's too soon.  I thought I'd have several more weeks before I had to start thinking about this stuff again.  What about my summer plans of enjoying ice cold beverages with Jeff?'

Then Tuesday morning I woke up and my temp had dropped back down to where it has been for the last month. 

'Damn you, stupid body for playing tricks on me.'    

I was in a horrible mood all day.  My shoulders and back were tense and I was just overall feeling very stressed. 

And then I realized something. 

This feeling I was experiencing was disappointment.

Which can only mean one thing.  I AM ready afterall. 

All it took was having that hope so quickly taken back away from me to realize how much I do truly want this.  Yes, it's a little bit scary.  But I'm excited for what our future holds.

And with that, my temp has gone back up and stayed up for the last 2 days now.  So who knows what's going on with my wonky body.  Time will only tell.  Until then, I'll do my best to be patient. 

Hopeful Optimism

I actually feel hopeful and optimistic for once. 

We had our follow-up appointment with the RE yesterday, and things could not have gone any better.  I had a SIS (saline infusion sonogram) done and my uterus looks perfect.  Our karyotyping came back normal on both of us.  So this puts our recurrent losses as unexplained, and likely just a random chromosome issue. 

So what's our plan from here?  Next cycle we are going to do Clomid again, but add in injectibles (Follitism) and a trigger.  The RE wants to try to increase the number of follicles/eggs, as a way to increase the odds of at least one of them being healthy and sticking around.  Ideally they want to see 2 mature follicle, and I'm going to be monitored very closely as they don't want to risk having high order multiples.  I'll also be on progesterone during the 2 week wait. 

I'm so happy, and excited about this plan.  All along I kept thinking in the back of my mind that injectibles were the next step I was hoping to take, but at the same time was also nervous about going there.  But after a quick training session on how to do the injections, it doesn't seem like it's going to be that big of a deal.  I'll be using the Follitism Pen, and the needle is way shorter than I anticipated.

I saw a different RE than I did last time, and I really liked this one a lot.  He explained things in a way that made sense, and I agree 100% with his approach.  His bedside manner was awesome.  I think with this clinic you never know who you're going to see, but I hope I get to work with this doctor a lot more - well, not too much more but you know what I mean ;) 

I'm so happy I made this move, as they are already doing so much more than my ob/gyn would have.  The words she said to me, "a RE wouldn't do anything differently than what I'm doing" still rings in my head.  Every time they ask me at this office if I want a copy of my records sent to my ob/gyn I always say no.  I'm not sure how to answer that because I still haven't decided if I'll eventually go back to her or not.

One thing I'm most excited about with this plan is ditching the BBT and OPKs.  I've always hated those stupid OPKs anyway, the damn things rarely gave me a positive.  Even though we're doing more as far as fertility treatments go, I feel there's going to be way less stress and pressure on my part.  I feel like all I have to do is show up for monitoring appointments, take the medications when they tell me to, have sex when they tell us to, and let them worry about the rest.  I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

One thing that was very strange for me yesterday was having the ultrasound done.  This was the same place I had to go to have the NT Scan done where we found out about our second loss.  It was the first ultrasound I've had where there was no baby to look at, only an empty ute.  Leading up to the ultrasound my nerves were a wreck with anticipation, as I'm use to bracing myself for the bad news of not seeing a heartbeat.  When I realized what I was doing and that I didn't have to worry about that this time, I almost had to laugh at myself for being so crazy.  

The RE did discuss using IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening for unexplained RPL.  (side note: he volunteered this information without me having to ask about it - what a novel idea!)  He said there are only a few clinics in the country that endorse this, and their particular clinic does not.  He explained the reasons why, reasons which I understand and respect.  If we still keep getting the same outcomes, however, this is something they will consider down the road. 
 
So for the first time in a long time I'm hopeful again.  I feel so great about this plan and already sense good things happening for us in the near future.  We'll get started as soon as my period shows it's face again, which with me who knows when that will be.  Surprisingly I'm okay with waiting for that to happen whenever it happens.  I'm looking forward to just enjoying the start of summer with Jeff over the next several weeks, sans fertility treatments.  I feel like our time will come eventually, and for once I'm patient enough to wait for it.       
 

I'm Back

Hi friends.  Just wanted to write a quick update that I'm back from my vacation (if you can call taking care of a 2-year-old and a 2-month-old a vacation, but more on that later).  I have lots to catch up on, both with work and the blogging world.  I promise I'll write more later, but wanted to let you know I'm alive and well. 

With that, I'll leave you with a photo of this sweet little face I got to stare at every day for the last 10 days:

She melted my heart with her smiles, and I miss her already ;(

Vacation Here I Come

Sort of.  It's not the sunny, tropical getaway with my husband that I'm longing for.  But I am getting away for a couple weeks.  And it is someplace warm and sunny.  Only it's with my mom. 

We're flying out this weekend to California to stay with my brother's wife and their two kids.  Why with them and not my brother you ask?  Because he's in the military and left for a 6 month deployment at the beginning of March....10 days after my little niece was born.  Yep, you heard me correctly.  They only got to spend 10 days together as a family of four before he had to head out ;( 

Since my SIL has been on maternity leave it hasn't been too big of a deal for them, but now she's back to work and needs some reinforcements to help with the kids, meals, cleaning, and walking their dog.  Her parents are there this week to help, and we'll be there for almost the next two, so hopefully by the time we leave they will all be back into a routine. 

So while I have visions of laying by the pool reading a book for the next two weeks, I'm sure the kiddos have completely different plans for us! 

As much as I'm looking forward to getting away for awhile (I'm loooong overdue for a break from life) I'm already homesick for Jeff (and I haven't even left yet).  This is the longest we'll have been away from each other since we started dating 6 years ago. 

So, I'm not sure how much I'll be around over the next couple weeks.  Obviously they have internet access (it's only California, not the stone age) but I'm not sure how much I'll log on.  But I will be thinking about you all and hopefully lurking, even if I'm not posting or commenting.  I do want to give two shout outs off the top of my head before I go:

Good luck to Alissa at MissConception on her FET next week! 

Good luck to Maria at Every Day Is A Country Song on her long-awaited IUI! 

Well Hello There Mr. RE

We had our appointment with the RE today.  It went well, although not too much was discussed in detail at this point.

- both of us had blood drawn for karyotyping (to check for choromosome abnormalities)
- he increased my Metformin dose from 500mg to 1500mg (I knew my ob/gyn didn't have the dose right)
- we go back in a month to get those results and discuss things further.  At that time I'll also have SIS (saline infusion sonogram) done to check for uterine abnormalities and possible scarring from the D&Cs.

So yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  We didn't really get any more answers today, but I didn't figure we would either.  I could tell he didn't want to get into the "what-ifs" until we get the results of those things, so therefore I didn't ask.  But I got the impression that he doesn't really see a reason why this is happening either.  I did ask him a little about egg quality.  He said egg quality does tend to be a little lower in women with PCOS but nobody really knows why, and this may or may not be a reason for miscarriage. 

Basically, to me it all sounds like a game of roulette.

Obviously I don't want anything major to be wrong with either one of us, but I'm already slightly discouraged that there likely isn't a reason for this.  As of now I have no idea what route we're going to take when it comes to TTC again.  Maybe he'll think more aggressive treatments will help, and maybe he won't.  Either way, I'm already dreading it...

Thank You Michelle

I rarely watch an episode of the Dug.gers, but after hearing that the season finale this week was going to be about their recent miscarriage, I felt compelled to watch.  So I recorded it, and finally worked up the courage to play it yesterday. 

And I have to say, I didn't shed as many tears as I thought I would.  Instead, the episode brought me so much peace within myself.  Yes, watching their ultrasound where they learned the horrific news that their baby no longer had a heartbeat was heart-wrenching.  It bought me back to all 3 of our ultrasounds where we found out the same news.  I felt like I was on that table with Michelle experiencing what she was experiencing right there with her.  (And I have to give her props for handling that moment with so much more grace than I ever have).

But the way she later spoke about her strong faith helped me to confirm what I already believed.  I have to say I've let my religion slip a little over the years.  Once I moved away from home, I haven't been able to find a church that I like, or one where I feel like I belong.  Even though I don't regularly attend church, however, I've never stopped believing in God.  Strangely our losses have made my faith stronger, while a lot of times people in these situations lose sight of it.  I've always believed we will be reuinted with our babies again someday.  So it brings me so much comfort that someone like Michelle, who has studied the bible way more than I have, believes the same thing. 

There is a lot of controversy out there over them choosing to make this time in their life public and air it on TV.  I'll admit I have differing opinions on them and their choices.  However, every time I do watch them, all I see is kindness, compassion, and love.  I think they are doing a great job in raising their children to be good, honest people who will be a positive contribution to society.    

What I don't understand is why people are okay with watching, say, some extravagant wedding of a Kar.dash.ian, whose marriage is only going to last .5 seconds, but they are not okay with someone sharing their real life experience of a miscarriage.  I'm sure the majority of those people who view it as wrong are those who haven't experienced it themselves.  The only reason they shy away from it, it because they don't want to face the reality that it could happen to them. 

So for that, I say thank you Michelle.  Thank you for having the courage to share your story.  I know it could not have been easy for you.  I could see that it wasn't easy for you.  I could see the pain in your eyes when you spoke to the camera.  Thank you for making those of us who have gone through a similar experience feel a little less alone.  Thank you for bringing the subject of miscarraige out into the open.  And thank you for teaching us more about your faith and reaffirming what I already knew to be true, but also find myself questioning at times.