After each of my losses I find myself going through this period of...entitlement. I feel like being able to have anything I want is the only trade-off from losing a baby that pacifies me. Like, if I can't have a baby, then I'm entitled to this AND that.
Jeff is a pretty conservative spender. I wouldn't necessarily call him frugal, he just takes time (a really long time) to think about a purchase before going forward with it. Before meeting him, I was pretty much the opposite. If I saw something I wanted, I bought it. If I racked up a $300 credit card bill, it was no big deal. Fortunately (or unfortunately - however you want to look at it), since meeting Jeff I've changed my ways. I now find myself hating credit cards and only using them when absolutely necessary, and immediately paying off the balance. If I see something in a store that I really want, I walk away and tell myself to sleep on it and that it will still be there the next day if I decide it's something I really need. And most of the time I decide I can live without it.
But oh how my attitude changes after a miscarriage. I start asking myself what's the point in saving money if we don't have daycare, diapers, and formula to pay for? Might as well buy whatever makes me happy in the moment, right? I bought a few things while shopping with my mom last week, but for the most part I've refrained from purchasing several other things I want....thus far. I find myself starting to weaken, however, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.
I've also made many Star.buck's runs in the last week for $4 lattes. And I have been eating whatever carb-loaded foods I feel like eating. Unfortunately this has led to me gaining 3 pounds in the last week. Ugh. I really need to get back on track with my diet and exercise, it's just hard to find the motiviation right now.
I know these are just coping mechanisms, which is perfectly normal and understandable. I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with it either - there's much worse things I could be doing to cope besides spending money and eating junk food. I just find it interesting how strong this sense of "entitlement" becomes immediately after each loss.
I agree whole heartedly with divulging a little bit when needed. You have to survive somehow. I am so sorry for what you are having to go through right now- and from my eyes- I give you the A OKAY to give to yourself a little. :) You deserve it. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling and am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your going through this. I unfortunately can relate. When we found out I was having an ectopic, food and sleep became my best friend. Sending ((HUGS)) your way!!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you... I have done so much retail therapy since loosing Isaac, it's not even funny. I'd send it all back though, if I could just hold him once more.
ReplyDeleteYes comfort foods and retail therapy are just what I need too when coping with repeated loss. Soon I'll be having to stop all that because I'm getting FAT! I so understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteSo... when our beta turned out shitty last Friday, you know what I did Saturday? I bought a new iPhone.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, totally get it.
I still have some of that feeling. I have been doing whatever it takes to make me happy and many times that means money. Dinners, stuff for the house...whatever.
ReplyDeleteI think this is something we all do to an extent. I WISH my credit card had a $300 balance!
I don't think any of what you're treating yourself to is a bad thing (but maybe it's because I'm doing the same and misery loves company). I look at it this way -- it all provides a little hit of dopamine which is exactly what our sad hearts (and brains) need right now.
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I felt the same way after I lost my 3rd baby to miscarriage. It's so hard to deal with, and we do anything we can to try to fill the giant hole in our hearts. You're absolutely right that you spending a little extra money, and eating a few extra calories is a much better way to cope than some of the other ways. I am your newest follower, and I am excited to be here with you every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. Losing my babies has become an excuse for everything. I feel sad today...so I get to eat a lot of ice cream...or I can skip the gym...or whatever it is I feel I am entitled too because I miscarried. It's an awful feeling. And the farther I get from having miscarried, I question in my head...ok it's time to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on, right?
ReplyDeleteI've done the same things after both losses. Heck, I'm still doing it almost six months after the second one. Other than some travel, I can't even tell you what happened to most of the money that was in our baby fund account.
ReplyDeleteI can absolutely relate. It's hard to break away from this behavior and right the ship again, especially when it seems the world has moved on and you're still stuck in the same spot (minus money and plus a few pounds). Ugh. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I've enjoyed more than my share of Starbucks lately, too. We were fortunate to take a fabulous vacation last year as we were healing from our loss. This year isn't an option as we are saving our pennies for adoption.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you.
Yes! I am frugal too. But I find that I prepare myself for a BFN by looking around for a purchase I've denied myself and saying "when I get that BFN I'm going to get that *whatever*, damnit." When I had my miscarriage in December, I took some Christmas gift money in hand and went out looking for something, anything that would make me feel better, but I came up empty. I still have the money in my purse...but I'm spending it on ME, when I can figure out what I want.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. After my second miscarriage, we planned a "trip of a lifetime" to Scotland. I didn't save ANY money on that trip. We spent the night in a castle. We ate at fancy restaurants every night. We stopped at ATMs and got out all the money we needed without fretting over the international fees. Because what did we need that savings for anymore? If I couldn't have a maternity leave, I was going to have a bad-ass vacation. And I don't regret a second of it.
ReplyDeleteSince my last loss, I have bought myself 4 pairs of jeans. It's not the same amount of money, but it still feels like a splurge on myself.
I never had a BFP but after one of my "this is THE ONE" failed IUI, I bought a really expensive pair of hiking boots. I think it was the most expensive pair of shoes I've ever owned. Sooooo worth it though. Instead of thinking of how disappointing it was (again) I get a kick out of going to the register and finding out the boots were 20% off of 50% off. Score!
ReplyDeleteI am so like this, pretty much every cycle that doesn't end in a bfp as a matter of fact...which has been every month for 2 and half years. The plus side is I have a great makeup collection and not that bad of a wardrobe because for 2 and half years I've been going on monthly mini retail therapy spending sprees.
ReplyDeleteAs long as it's not seriously affecting your budget, I totally encourage this behavior. You DO deserve to treat yourself after a loss, without a doubt.
I remember that feeling after my miscarriages. I ate whatever I wanted, I bought myself new clothes... after the second and third ones, we went even went on weekend getaways (those were so necessary). But you're right, it is normal and it's a part of grief. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, for your losses, and everything.
ReplyDeleteI myself dealt with 4 years of infertility due to PCOS, and 3 miscarriages as well before having my son... it's hard. It really is. Best wishes to you on your journey (*hugs*)
I felt like this too after last month's failed IUI. I felt like, well, if I can't have what I want *out of life,* I can at least have what I want *for dinner.* Or *from this store.* I think it's probably a pretty common coping mechanism in what is a pretty consumer-centric culture, and I think you've done a great job of putting it into words.
ReplyDeleteI always do the same thing. The most extreme case being a trip to Aruba! :) But usually it amounts to mani/pedis, dinners out, and an occasional gadget. It probably isn't good, but it is what I need!
ReplyDeleteI think it's valid and as long as it doesn't get too unhealthy - go for it. And I recognize it all through tough times. Comfort food/drinks and therapy shopping is a girls best friend.. sometime you need it and also deserves it!
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