Friday, March 9, 2012


I find it interesting how many people assume that you haven't had trouble conceiving.  I was talking with a coworker (who I have been pretty open with about my miscarriages) today and she made some comments that threw me off a little bit.  I don't know how we got on the subject, but she started talking about how she couldn't imagine having to give herself injections, take her temperature every day before she gets up, and time intercourse at the right time in order to get pregnant like some people do.  I wanted to say, "But that's pretty much what I had to do to get pregnant!"  But I didn't.  Once again, I remained silent.

You may remember this post where I talk about struggling with being able to be open and honest about our losses, but still can't bring myself to admit the other side of it.  The infertility side, and what it took for us to get pregnant in the first place.

And then I got to thinking, why does everyone make the assumption that people don't have trouble getting pregnant?  Just because I've been pregnant doesn't mean it didn't take a little extra effort to get there.  It's amazing how infertility doesn't even cross the minds of the majortiy of the population, but yet there are so many out there struggling with it.  Thinking about this also made me sad, because I realized I'm guilty of the exact same thing.

I thought about the friends I talked about in that same post, who miscarried with their second pregnancy.  They already had one healthy child, and so I made the assumption that they don't have trouble getting pregnant.  I assumed that their miscarriage was a fluke, and soon they will be announcing their next, healthy, pregnancy. 

I also thought about these friends, and how insanely jealous I instantly became when I found out they were expecting, even though I knew it was wrong of me because of the hardships they faced with the pre-term birth of their daughter.  I assumed they easily got pregnant this time, but how do I really know that? 

I guess when you are an infertile, you do feel isolated and that you are the only one dealing with it.  It's easy to assume that everyone else who has children had them handed to them.  But the reality is a fairly large percentage of them likely had some struggles along the way. 

This coworker, along with others, have made similar comments after finding out about one of our miscarriages.  "Well at least you don't have any trouble getting pregnant."  In a way, I mockingly laugh inside when I hear that from someone.  Like, I know something you don't know, ha ha ha ha ha.  I'm sure some day I'll come clean, as I feel the pressure to more and more.  I'm sure once we meet with the RE and get some things figure out and get a plan in place, I'll feel like I'm at a place then to possibly come out about our infertility.  But, until then I'll just pretend to others like I'm normal and fertile.  You know, just like everyone else is....

*A funny side note.  Here's a clip of our conversation today:
Coworker:  What does basil temperature even mean?  Do you have to stick it up your butt??
Me:  Haha, no. 

I thought all the infertiles out there would find this funny :)


  1. I guess this is what makes us all too human. We get so entangled in our own problems that we forget that there might just be someone else out there that is going through something akin to what we are.

  2. The problem comes down to the fact that most people struggling to get pregnant don't ever tell people. We all tend to keep it to ourselves so our population has no voice. As you said, it is uncomfortable and personal. So if no one says it, everyone thinks the issue isn't an issue. What a mess. I have told most everyone I'm close to, but have not come out publicly.

  3. I feel like the second I started telling people we were seeing an RE and having trouble, so many people would tell me about themselves. I am so open about it, but have to remember not everyone else is!
    And yes, that butt comment made me chuckle...and yes, I will probably think about it again tomorrow morning when I go to temp!

  4. I was the same way. I totally kept it a secret because it is personal and uncomfortable and humiliating. And, I didn't want to make others uncomfortable. After Maggie, people asked when/if I would have kids again and I decided then to tell people. Everyone at work knows, all of my facebook friends know. And seriously-there is a weight off my shoulders of not having to act secretive about appointments and I can talk (and make jokes) about it openly. People that care about you want to know and people that get uncomfortable with it just don't say anything--including insensitive comments or questions. For me, it was a win-win. But, it took me quite a while to get there.
    When do you go to the doctor?

    1. I haven't made an appt. with the RE yet. I have a flup visit with my ob/gyn in 2 weeks, and thought I'd wait until after then.