I feel deceitful.
We came out to more friends of ours this weekend about our losses. This couple lives out of town and it's been a year since we've seen them (crazy how time flies). They came tailgating with us. When the morning started off I wasn't sure if I was going to share our losses with them or not. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it from them, I just wasn't sure if tailgating was the proper time to discuss such a huge topic. I figured if it came up, it came up, and if not, fine.
I will make a confession here: This couple already has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. So I was bracing myself for another pregnancy announcement. As she stepped out of their car, I held my breath, preparing to see a bump. I didn't see one and let out a huge sigh of relief. Then I found out she was drinking a cup of coffee with Bailey's in it. Another even bigger sigh of relief escaped me. Phew, I dodged another pregnancy announcement bullet.
Over the course of the morning the subject of our nieces and nephews came up. For some reason the time just felt right to me, and I basically blurted out to her "I've had two miscarriage this year." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I've had one too." So, we talked (and cried) about our losses, and our husbands even joined in on the conversation. It felt so freeing to just let it all out and be open and honest about what is such a taboo subject.
One thing I have found is when the subject of miscarriages come up, the conversation inevitably leads to infertility. About how there are other couples we know that can't even get pregnant. There are other men out there who have to stick shots in their wives' butts in order to have a chance at getting pregnant. There are other couples we know that may never have kids at all because they've been doing treatments for a long time and they aren't working.
This is how the conversation turned this weekend and I didn't say anything. I stayed silent. I didn't speak up about our own infertility. I never do. Why? I'm not sure. I told Jeff later that I feel so guilty for only telling people the half-truth. I have no problem being 100% open about our losses, but for some reason I'm so scared to admit we are dealing with infertility also. Both miscarriage and infertility are taboo topics in our society, but why is one more easier to admit to than the other? I am a "face of infertility" and should be representing this community, but I don't.
I simply remain silent.
This brought tears to my eyes. I feel exactly the same as you do...but we don't even really talk about our losses either. I do to my friends but MH doesn't...it's a hard thing. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt seems easier to admit a loss because you hear about miscarriages more than you hear about infertilty. And people like to talk about their baby even when it was as small as a grape.
ReplyDeleteInfertility is something that can cause guilt and the feeling of being incompetant at something you should be able to do. It's something that people see as shameful, even though it shouldn't be. So more often than not, it is not talked about.
I wish more of us could open up, but it takes being at a certain point in your journey to feel comfortable. You will talk about it when you are ready.
MissConception