Monday, February 27, 2012


I have one word to sum up this weekend:  Sad.  I was pretty miserable doing nothing but sitting around the house all weekend crying, but at the same time I wanted to do nothing else but that.  If I would have let myself, I think I could have cried for hours and hours and still had tears left.  The tears and sobbing would just come out of nowhere and it took all I had to make myself stop.  I found myself getting frustrated with Jeff for not doing something to make me feel better.  And then I would feel guilty for getting upset with him because I knew I was in a place where nothing anybody did or said would make me feel better anyway. 

I know the majority of this is from my hormones being completely messed up right now, and I will feel better with time, but I sure wish this feeling would hurry up and pass quickly.  I have so many thoughts circling in my head right now, that it seems bullets are appropriate to lay it all out there. 

  • What happens if we can't ever have children?  Can we be happy with it being just the two of us?  If we don't ever have kids, what will we do to fill the weeks, months, years to feel like we're still living a full life?  As the years go by will we start to be resentful towards each other?  I know it sounds cliche, but it's true that these losses have brought us so much closer.  Right now I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever.  But will it always be that way if we keep getting hit repeatedly with these hard blows? 

  • As much as I'm hurting for myself, I'm hurting even more for Jeff.  He would be the best daddy and it kills me that I can't give him that. 

  • 2011 was such a horrible year and I had so much hope for 2012.  Now, as quickly as the year started, all hope for a 2012 baby is already gone. In fact, the likelihood of us having a baby even a year from now is pretty slim.  I'm already dreading the holidays this year, it will be our 3rd Christmas since TTC where we're empty-handed.

  • I'm anxious to meet with a RE and hopefully starting testing and getting some answers.  At the same time I'm not.  I don't have the strength for it yet. 

  • As much as part of me wants to hurry up and try again, a bigger part of me does not.  I'm scared to death of being pregnant again and having this all taken away a 4th time.  I'm not sure how many more times I can go through this, and not having any kind of guarantee that the next pregnancy will be viable scares the crap out of me.



  1. ((HUGS)) my heart goes out to you and your husband during this time.

  2. I know how you feel since I'm at that stage where I don't know if I'll ever conceive again myself. I hope that you get some good news soon and that your marriage continues to grow stronger. Sending you happy thoughts and hugs.

  3. All those feelings are so understandable. I have had most, if not all of them myself. It's like looking in a mirror. I too am terrified to be pregnant again, to chance losing another baby.
    What you are doing is exactly what you should be doing I think. Crying, asking's part of healing and finding your strength again.
    In my opinion, you still have a good chance. Since there has been recurrent pregnancy loss, I am inclined to think there is a hormonal, uterine, or chromosomal issue. If that is the case, they can probably find it with the right testing. It seems daunting, but you need it for your own sanity. When you are ready, go see an RE and ask what they can do.
    I hope you are feelling better hon.

  4. I just want to reach through my computer screen and give you a hug. I'm so sorry you're going through this AGAIN, my greatest fear moving forward was losing another baby and I can only imagine how you feel going through this for the 3rd time. My heart aches for you as I remember how devastating those first few weeks were. I hope you find it in your hearts to continue to move forward, but I also hope you find some answers as to why this keeps happening and hopefully find a way to prevent it in the future.

    Hugs and prayers.

  5. Geez I could have written this myself. So sad, I'm so sorry again for your losses.

    Did you have any testing done to determine the cause of any of the miscarriages? I didn't see you mention it in your prior posts if you did. Just curious because I know your story is similar to mine.


    1. I had RPL bloodwork done after our 2nd loss to check for autoimmune and blood clotting disorders, but those came back normal. I had D&C's with all 3 losses and my doctor always sent the tissue for testing. The first two didn't show anything abnormal (still waiting on results of third). However, I'm really starting to question what kind of testing she actually had done. I'm starting to think it wasn't an in-depth chromosome analysis like I assumed. I'm going to ask that at my follow up appointment.

  6. Hang in there. I know its scary. One day at a time. I am having secondary RPL with 3 losses last year and like you have nothing coming back abnormal on tests. I feel like if nothing wrong then there is nothing to "fix" for next time. Looking forward to following your blog.