Surviving

I have one word to sum up this weekend:  Sad.  I was pretty miserable doing nothing but sitting around the house all weekend crying, but at the same time I wanted to do nothing else but that.  If I would have let myself, I think I could have cried for hours and hours and still had tears left.  The tears and sobbing would just come out of nowhere and it took all I had to make myself stop.  I found myself getting frustrated with Jeff for not doing something to make me feel better.  And then I would feel guilty for getting upset with him because I knew I was in a place where nothing anybody did or said would make me feel better anyway. 

I know the majority of this is from my hormones being completely messed up right now, and I will feel better with time, but I sure wish this feeling would hurry up and pass quickly.  I have so many thoughts circling in my head right now, that it seems bullets are appropriate to lay it all out there. 

• What happens if we can't ever have children?  Can we be happy with it being just the two of us?  If we don't ever have kids, what will we do to fill the weeks, months, years to feel like we're still living a full life?  As the years go by will we start to be resentful towards each other?  I know it sounds cliche, but it's true that these losses have brought us so much closer.  Right now I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever.  But will it always be that way if we keep getting hit repeatedly with these hard blows? 

• As much as I'm hurting for myself, I'm hurting even more for Jeff.  He would be the best daddy and it kills me that I can't give him that. 

• 2011 was such a horrible year and I had so much hope for 2012.  Now, as quickly as the year started, all hope for a 2012 baby is already gone. In fact, the likelihood of us having a baby even a year from now is pretty slim.  I'm already dreading the holidays this year, it will be our 3rd Christmas since TTC where we're empty-handed.

• I'm anxious to meet with a RE and hopefully starting testing and getting some answers.  At the same time I'm not.  I don't have the strength for it yet. 

• As much as part of me wants to hurry up and try again, a bigger part of me does not.  I'm scared to death of being pregnant again and having this all taken away a 4th time.  I'm not sure how many more times I can go through this, and not having any kind of guarantee that the next pregnancy will be viable scares the crap out of me.