Dear Rachel:
I owe you an apology. I've had tears in my eyes ever since I read your comment this afternoon.
When I read about your second loss at 8w4d last week, I panicked. I read about someone else going through the exact thing I've been fearing will happen to me since I scheduled my first OB appointment, and I just wanted to run away from it. I now realize how childish, hurtful, and selfish I was, and I'm so sorry for that.
Since losing our two angels, I've searched high and low for a reason why this has happened to me. The only thing I've been able to come up with is that it's made me a more compassionate person. That it's enabled me to be able to help others who are going through the same things I am. I reached out to two other people (in real life) this year who have also had miscarriages, and I know in my heart that I helped them in some way. Sadly, after how I reacted to your most recent loss, I feel as though I'm back to square one and haven't learned anything from this afterall.
Instead of mentioning "some blogger who lost her baby at 8w4d" and writing about how I can't handle reading things like that, I should have told you how sorry I was. I should have asked fellow bloggers to keep you and your husband in their thoughts and prayers. I should have told you that I, too, know what it's like to lose two babies and understand what a horrible feeling it is.
With my losses, there have been people in my life who have done exactly what I did to you. Ran away. I'd tell them about my loss, and they would literally run away because they wanted to continue to live in their happy, carefree bubble where nothing bad happens. And it hurt. I realize that's exactly the same kind of person I have become with this pregnancy. I don't want to hear about the bad stories anymore. I want to live in my safe bubble and only hear about the stories with positive outcomes so that I can have hope. But living in my bubble is not fair to you, or anyone else. Life is not perfect. It's moments like that where we need to be human, and tell each other we are here for one another. That we're in this together.
I debated about whether or not to make this apology public, and decided blogging about infertility and miscarriages is about being open, honest, and keeping it real. And, therefore I wanted to tell you, publicy, that I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me, although I certainly understand if you don't or can't right now. I am so sorry for your losses, and I will say an extra prayer for you tonight that someday, soon, you will have your takehome baby.
Jenny
A very lovely and heartfelt appology. I know that you understand this pain and want to have a little happiness in your own current pregnancy. That is true for everyone. We all have been through so much that holding on to only good things for just a little while is okay.
ReplyDeleteI did just write a post similar however about how it hurts when people you trust avoid your pain...so I get that side too.
I think you realizing where you strayed says a lot about your character and I'm sure Rachel will see that too.
Wow, Jenny. I have no words. Thank you. However, when I read your post, I was not upset and I had no feelings of animosity towards you. At all. I never once thought about how you should have felt badly for me. Instead, I felt incredibly sad for you and the fact that you were, once again, reminded of what could be and what has been in the past. You didn't need another reminder of what could happen. I totally understood where you were coming from. I imagined what that would have been like- being faced with the reminder that you, once again, could lose your child. For the third time. I appreciate your apology, but please know that I did not read into that post as a stab at me and in no way did I expect condolences.
ReplyDeleteI also do not feel like you failed and are back at square one- not at all. Although you may have dealt with more bad news differently than how you wanted to, you dealt with it how you needed to. I am in no way upset or offended by that. I get it. If you need to live in a bubble so that you can make it through this sanely, do it. But, I do want to hear your story. Especially if it's a good one. We ladies need to hear the good news, that these pregnancy stories do end with good news and happy endings. I want to hear how things are going for you. I want to read about how things are progressing. However, I completely understand if you need a break from all of this, too. I guess what I'm saying is, I want you to do what you need to do to stay at peace and feel like you are emotionally where you need to be. I have learned through this journey that self-care is just as important as anything else. We need to learn how to take care of ourselves and do things that help us through this journey. And, if that means that you limit your exposure to internet stories, I think you should do that. I'm not offended or pissed. I get it.
Again, thank you for the public apology--like Alissa said above, your thoughtfulness says so much about what kind of person you are and what kind of heart you have. Your children are very lucky to have a mother like you.
Looking forward to hearing good news--
Love,
Rachel