Monday, October 24, 2011

Too Much to Ask For?

I'll just start this post off by saying I'm a little mad.  This is basically going to be nothing but a vent. 

We have season tickets for our college football team, and every home game we tailgate with a few friends.  The first home game this year I was just 8 weeks pregnant, but we decided to throw caution to the wind and go ahead and tell them we were expecting.  And besides, I'm a bit of a lush and we knew it was going to be obvious anyway the second I refused a beer.  So naturally, get a few women together, and the first two games it was all baby talk.  How were we going to decorate the nursery?  Were we going to find out the gender?  Did we have any names picked out yet?

And then I miscarried.

This Saturday was the first game since the miscarriage.  We made sure our friends had known about the miscarriage ahead of time so there wouldn't be the awkward - "where's your baby bump?" moment.  One of the girls had called me this week to see how I was doing, and asked me about it again when we first met up (before the other couple had arrived yet).  Then our other friends showed up.  And the wife did not awknowledge the miscarriage at all.  I did not get one simple "I'm sorry" out of her. 

As the morning went on, I kept waiting for her to say something, and my blood pressure continued to rise with every minute that passed with her not saying anything.  When we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, I instantly started venting to Jeff.  All he could say was "well, some people just don't know what to say in situations like that."


Is that really an acceptable excuse?  Is it really okay for a 30-something year old woman (who has a child herself and should be able to guess what the pain of losing a child would feel like) to just not say anything to another woman who experienced a loss?  I understand it's an uncomfortable situation, but in my opinion that is not a good enough excuse to not say anything.  Those of us who have lost do no expect much.  We don't expect flowers, cards, gifts.  All we ask is for an "I'm sorry."  A simple acknowledgement of a life that was lost.  Is that really too much to ask?

I'm sure many of you have experienced the same thing, and I would love to hear your experiences and how you dealt with them. 


  1. It feels impossible to not take their lack or acknowledgement as personal. It's really about them and their inability to bring up an uncomfortable topic. When in reality, we just want them to acknowledge the most traumatic event in our life. That was one if the hardest aspects to understand in my healing process.....and it still is. I vow to never ignor tough subjects because most people want validation...just like you and me! Xoxo. It gets easier.

  2. I'm so sorry that she didn't even acknowledge by asking how you were doing...that is so frustrating and hurtful. Hugs!!!

  3. I am so very sorry! I think that was very insensitive but your hubby could be right. Maybe she really didn't know what to say or felt like it would upset you if she brought it up. I can see why you are so very mad and I don't blame you at all. I've never really been in that situation but I know the pain. Huge hugs! Hi from ICLW!
    By the way, I featured your blog tonight! Good luck in the future!

  4. Im sorry! I think its very rude... I have a friend who i STILL havent heard from since my miscarriage over 3 months ago. I thought we were pretty good friends but I must have been wrong as she didnt even send me a text or anything (she lives 4 hours away) her partner did and everyone else but nope not her. Your husband may be right.. but i still dont think its hard to say. "Im sorry" I will never forget that she didnt even acknowledge what happened to me.. or even ask if I was ok and I doubt you will forget it as well! Its so hurtful! :(

  5. Jenny, I'm so sorry for your loss and for your friend's lack of acknowledgement of it. I echo what creatingarainbow said about that. I'm glad it sounds like your Dr. is supportive of going ahead and doing RPL testing now. I hope that she orders a comprehensive panel. I know that I had a lot of questions about what should be tested when we started the RPL testing process this past summer. If you are looking for resources, Whitney posted a fantastic Survival Guide to Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Testing here: (((Hugs)))

  6. I'm so sorry Jenny. It's NOT acceptable and people suck so much sometimes after a loss! I AM sorry and even though you don't know me I hope it helps you a bit to know I'm thinking of you

  7. I'm sorry for your loss.
    It is a sad excuse that people don't know what to say and even though "I'm sorry" doesn't make it better, it is better than ignoring it. Still, it seems not everyone has learned that. *hugs*

  8. I'm sorry for your loss :( I think sometimes people don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Maybe she thought if she brought it up you it would upset you. Either way, I'm sure it hurts to feel ignored when you are going through such a hard time. Hugs!

  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree, there is no excuse for how this woman acted. It totally sucks.
    What I have found through miscarriage and also the death of my young brother is that people who've never had anything bad happen...a lot of times they don't get it (some do, some don't). They just don't understand the pain you are going through, and I am not offering this up as an excuse because there is no excuse for someone not to be kind and decent.
    But how I have dealt with it is to be very appreciative of the people who do care/acknowledge things, and I say to myself of those who don't "They don't know any better. But bad things happen to everyone sooner or at some point they will know." (Not that I'm wishing bad things to happen to people...just that they end up having some compassion for others at some point in their life, you know?) And then I think how grateful I am to know that people who have had a loss need acknowledgement of that loss...I am no longer one of those people that hurts others because I don't know what to say or even that something SHOULD be said.
    Anyway, don't know if any of this helps, but that's how I deal with it, since you asked...
    Hugs during this tough time...again, I'm so sorry you are going through this...

  10. I completely get it. I miscarried yesterday and am still in a tremendous amount of physical pain. My husband notified our friends. One has yet to call us back to check on us. My best friend sent me a text and I said that I would call when I was ready to talk. Just got off the phone with her. Spent 90 min talking about her one year old daughter and all the things she was doing for Thanksgiving and the nice two mile run she took this morning. I can barely get off the couch due to uterine pain and am an avid runner. I hated hearing that. She never asked how I was doing in the entire call. I need to find better friends because that made me feel worse. Thankfully I have the best husband around. I completely understand how avoidance can seem so rude.