Goodbye Again

This week we had to say goodbye again.  We've lost yet another baby.  We went in for our NT Scan yesterday, and discovered there was no heartbeat.  The baby was only measuring 7w6d, and I was suppose to be 12w.  I was devastated, and started bawling right then and there.  I couldn't believe my worst nightmare was coming true right before my very eyes.  What was suppose to be a fun, exciting appointment where we were going to watch our little one and get some great photos to take home turned into one of the worst days of my life. 

My doctor was on call and was, thankfully, able to still call me last night around 5:30.  I told her I wanted a D&C again, and she agreed that would be the best thing to do.  She was able to get it scheduled for this morning.  In that respect, I'm just thankful for the quick response and that we were able to start putting this behind us sooner rather than later.

As of tonight, I'm doing okay.  I think somehow I'm more accepting of it this time, or maybe I'm just still numb from it all.  I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things about both miscarriages that bothers me a lot, is the fact that my body takes so long to recognize it.  I've been walking around for the last 4 weeks thinking all was well, and it wasn't.  My boobs were still sore and big, I was still pretty exhausted on a daily basis, and I was even starting to get a little bump. 

Where do we go from here?  My doctor said they normally don't do testing until you've had 3 miscarriages, but said she completely understands if we're ready to take that next step now.  As soon as Jeff and I found out yesterday we already had decided we wanted testing before moving forward.  So after my levels drop back to zero, we'll do that testing.  Then, assuming nothing is found with that, next pregnancy I'll be on progesterone suppositories up until about 12 weeks.  She said that low progesterone could be what's causing this, but of course now there is no way to know for sure now.  She also said the supplements might not help anything, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try them.  So, all things considered, I'm glad we at least have a plan in place moving forward.

I'm going to spend the next few months working on improving myself.  I'm not happy at all with the weight I've let myself creep back up to.  So I plan on making some changes with my diet and exercise and just spend this time focusing on getting healthier, which certainly can't hurt if/when I get pregnant again.

I still can't believe all these labels I now find myself in.  Infertile.  Recurrent miscarriage.  Ugh, when will it finally be our turn to get what we want and be happy??