"Bring Back That Eerie Feeling"

Can I just say there have been some very, very eerie reminders lately of my first pregnancy.  I found out I was pregnant this time pretty much around the same time I found out the first time I was pregnant.  So needless to say, being pregnant again at the same time this year stirs up some raw emotion in me - which is caused by the most random, stupidest things.

For example, Saturday afternoon Jeff and I were being total bums laying around watching TV and napping.  The doorbell rang and my first thought was, "awe man, who is that going to be?  I'm trying to nap here!"  When I opened the door there was a little Girl Scout standing there selling cookies (woot! woot!).  After I got my cookies (by the way, I'm loving this direct sale stuff this year) and shut the door, it hit me.  I remembered last year on a Saturday morning shortly after I found out I was pregnant, sleeping on the couch while Jeff was at work, and a neighbor girl ringing the bell to take my cookie order. 

And, speaking of these awesome cookies some more, one of my high school classmates posted on Face.book that his daughter was selling cookies again this year and to let him know if anyone wanted some.  I had ordered from them last year, and he stopped by the afternoon of my D&C to drop them off (we had already made plans for him to stop by before we found out about the miscarriage, and what was I suppose to do?  Call him up and say, oh I had my baby sucked out of me this morning, can you stop by another time?  No, I sucked it up and still had him come - and I needed a box of Cararmal de lites to make me feel better anyway).

So, while I love Girl Scout cookie time and all their wonderful ooey-gooeyness, it brings up some bad memories for me.

Secondly, we got our taxes done last night (woot! woot! for a big return this year).  We got our taxes done on Valentine's Day last year.  I had just hit 8 weeks that day and remember coming home afterwards and taking our first belly shot.  So, while I'm happy we can now afford to buy that pillow top king-size bed I've been dreaming about, getting our taxes done brings back a bad reminder of what should have been. 

T-minus 1 week until my first appointment.  Thank goodness I'm busy at work and the days are going by fast. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Stepping Back

I'm thinking about taking a step back for a while from both blogging and some TTC message boards I hang out on.  Since finding out I'm pregnant again, I've had my positive and negative days, although I'm trying very hard to have more positive ones than negative.  This weekend my mom and Jeff kind of ganged up on me and told me I need to think more positive about this pregnancy, and they are right.  Today driving in to work I was feeling pretty good.  I was thinking to myself, there is no reason for this not to work out.  Our first two losses were basically chalked up to bad luck, my RPL testing showed I have no autoimmune or blood clotting disorders that will affect anything, I actually ovulated close to a "normal" time this cycle, and I'm on progesterone supplements and Metformin.  Basically, I feel like I have everything going for me this time around.  So, based on that I was feeling positive.

Then I got to work and opened up my list of blogs I follow.  There was an update from one who went in for her first OB appointment yesterday when she was 8w4d, and there was no heartbeat. 

At my first appointment on the 21st I will be 8w4d.  Needless to say, all kinds of horrible thoughts of the same thing happening to me flooded my mind.  And that's when I decided I need to stay away from all this.  Yes, I want to be here to support everyone I have come to know and care about, but for my own sanity and peace of mind I feel like I need to stay away for awhile, as seeing things like this does not put me an a good mental state. 

So that is my stance today, although I'm sure I will still find myself lurking to keep up on everyone (I know it's going to be hard to stay away).  Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to update with good news, and be in a better place emotionally to be ready for all this interwebz stuff again.

I Was Wrong

This morning when I peed on a stick, two pink lines appeared.  I couldn't believe it, and I still am a little shocked.  My first reaction was to freak out (naturally) and start crying, thinking about all the bad ways this pregnancy could end.  I really don't think I can handle a third miscarriage.  Poor confused Jeff asked why I was crying and said "But I thought we wanted to get pregnant?"  He told me I need to think positive.  He's always the optimist.


So, now I need to start the progesterone suppositories.  I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor's office to get this filled and get some more instructions on how to use them.  I guess one reason I'm super paranoid about the outcome of this pregnancy is because my doctor just called me late yesterday to let me know my progesterone results from last week.  It was 11.5 (at 6dpo).  For those of you who aren't familiar with this, they want to see it over a 10 on a nonmedicated cycle, and over 15 on a medicated cycle.  So, that number basically confirmed I did ovulate, but the number wasn't as high as they want to see.  So now I feel panicked to start the progesterone ASAP (I called them 2 hours ago and no call back yet - grrrr!). 

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, but need some time to gather them.  If anyone has used progesterone (vaginal) suppositories, and has any suggestions/advice, I'll gladly take it.

All Ours!

Several months ago I was watching an episode of Teen Mom (sorry, I'm embarrassed to say it's one of my guilty pleasures) and there was a scene where the teen mom brought her baby home from the hospital.  They got home, sat down, and she looked to her mom and said "What should I do with him now?"  And her mom responded, "You can do whatever you want with him - he's all yours!"  I just remember thinking that was a really neat thought and a neat way of looking at having a new baby.  Now that I'm pregnant, I have found myself thinking that same thing a lot.

For example, we have the NT scan next Monday, and then another OB appointment on Wednesday.  I keep thinking if all goes well, it would be fun for Jeff and I to celebrate by going shopping and purchasing our first item for the baby.  And then I find myself stopping and saying to myself, "But wait, are we allowed to do that?  Is it okay for us to start buying stuff for the baby now, or is it still too early?"  And then I think back to that Teen Mom episode and remind myself, it's our baby, we can do whatever we want!

And the same thing goes for the baby's room.  I keep thinking that after we find out the gender we will start decorating the baby's room.  And then I stop and think, "Well maybe starting that at 20 weeks is too soon?  It it stupid to start decorating that early?  Maybe we should wait until after the first of the year, is that a more appropriate time to start that?"  And then I remember, it's our baby, we can do whatever we want!

I don't know, it's just a really strange feeling.  Thinking about these things seems to put it all in perspective.  We are going to be parents to this child, and everything regarding the care of him/her is going to be our responsiblity.  And as scary as that thought is sometimes, it's also a great feeling to know that we are going to be able to care for him/her however we feel best.  We are going to be able to do whatever fun things we've alway dreamed about doing with him/her.  And why?  Because he/she will be all ours!

Update on NT Scan

I guess I ended up creating a lot of unnecessary drama last week over our scheduled NT scan.  It turns out Jeff won't be able to get off work next week, so we ended up rescheduling for the following week.  It will now be October 3rd.  I feel much better about this.  Not so much because of what the date of 9/26 means for us, but mostly because I would have been 11w0d on the 26th, which I thought seemed a bit early to do the scan.  Now I'll be 12w0d.  I can't wait to see our little one again!

Double Digits

I'm 10 weeks pregnant today.  This is a huge milestone for me, as we found out about the miscarriage at 9w6d last time.  As each day and week passes, I start to feel a little more confident that this will be our takehome baby.  Our next prenatal appointment isn't for a couple more weeks, but our NT scan is a week from today. 

At first I really didn't want to do the screening.  Mostly because I just didn't want to face any decisions that could come our way depending on the results, and mostly because I'm almost certain I wouldn't terminate based on results of possible further diagnostic testing.  However, Jeff was all for the screening.  He's pretty confident that everything will be fine and just wants that peace of mind.  And if something does come up, he'd rather be able to prepare sooner rather than later.  So, mostly for the sake of Jeff, I agreed to do the screening. 

I had to call my ob/gyn's office last week to get the appointment set up.  It needs to be done at another facility, and the nurse said she had to fax some information over and they would then let her know when the appointment would be, and she would call me back and let me know.  When she called back and told me it's scheduled for 9/26, my heart stopped.  9/26 is Jeff and I's wedding anniversary.  9/26 also would have been our due date if our little one before hadn't left us so soon.  I feel like our anniversary will forever be tainted by our loss, and I really don't want to add one more negative thing to it.  However, after expelling my panic attack on the message board I regularly post on, the ladies there gave me so much encouragement.  One awesome lady in particular said it was our angel baby's way of being a part it and looking out for his/her brother or sister.  I still cry as I type those words.  

So, I'm stepping outside of my box and being positive for once.  I really do feel in my heart like everything is fine, and will continue to be fine, and I just need to hold onto that. 

Here We Go Again

Sorry I've been avoiding my blog again.  Not only were we away on vacation over the weekend, but I also had some news to share and wasn't sure how to break it gently to those out there that are having T-TTC.  Since there really isn't a gentle way, I'm just going to say it.  I'm pregnant.  Again. 

My BBT went up a little last Thursday at 11 dpo, so I decided to test and here is the result (sorry for the blurry pic):

I'm surprisingly pretty calm about it all this time around.  I think a lot of the reason is I don't want to get too attached this time, only to experience another loss.  I would say the best way to describe how Jeff and I are feeling right now is cautiously optimistic.  I'm for sure feeling more positive about it though and am not letting negative thoughts flood my mind.  Having anxiety and bad thoughts about what could happen isn't going to help anything, and therefore I'm simply letting go and letting whatever happens happen. 

Our first appointment is 3 weeks from today, which seems so far away.  Luckily, we have plenty to keep us busy so hopefully time will fly. 

This last weekend we went to Blue Harbor Resort in Sheboygan, WI with Jeff's sister, husband, and 4 kids.  It was right on Lake Michigan and was one of the most relaxing vacations I've been on.  Most of my time was spent sitting on the beach reading a book.  It doesn't get more relaxing than that.