Thursday, January 5, 2012

Mid-Cycle Freakout

Today is CD16.  This is usually the time every cycle where I start to have slight panic attacks, get frustrated with my body, and start to lose hope that I will ever a) ovulate, b) get pregnant again, and c) stay pregnant.

Every cycle once I coast right past CD14 (you know, the day when "normal" people ovulate) I start questioning everything:
  • What if the Clomid doesn't work this cycle and I don't ovulate? 
  • Why is my doctor still dinking around with 50mg, shouldn't we be moving me up to 100mg? 
  • Am I doing the right thing by continuing to treat with my OB/GYN instead of a RE? 
  • If I was treating with an RE instead, would he be doing anything differently? 
  • What if we don't get pregnant this cycle?  That means the number of Clomid cycles we can do is diminishing, and what if we have to move on to injectibles with a RE? 
  • Will Jeff or myself be able to give me shots if it comes down to that?
  • Does ovulating later than "normal" mean my eggs are a poorer quality?  Is this the reason for my miscarriages?  Is there even such a thing?  If there is, then maybe I don't want to get pregnant this cycle afterall.
  • What if we get burned out of having sex and miss my fertile window, simply because it takes me so long to ovulate and we get sick of doing it by then?
  • What if I don't get pregnant again with Clomid alone?  What if someday it comes down to IVF?  Will that be a huge waste of money if I can't even stay pregnant?
  • Why does this have to be so hard?

I know I sound like a raging lunatic.  But honestly, every single one of these thoughts ran through my head (multiple times) last night as I tried to go to sleep. 

Someone please have me committed. 

At least then I wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff.


  1. Oh, the mind of an infertile. Don't worry - it's completely normal. In seeing an RE, they would do mid-cycle monitoring appts while on clomid (you should ask your regular dr to do this as well). At least then you would know if you are responding to clomid.

  2. Yeah, like Heather said, freak outs are par for the infertile course. But that doesn't make it any easier to live in your own head when your mentally spinning your wheels. (((Hugs))). You'll get through it.

  3. I freaked out every single cycle about one thing or another. Hang in there....

    Ditto on what Heather suggested to get your doc to monitor you while on clomid to make sure it's doing what it should be doing!

    Good luck!!

  4. I swear I probably wrote 12 posts like that last year.

    Hugs on getting through this week... and the tww to follow...

  5. Hi there! I am a new follower and in the same boat with the whole clomid thing, and all the questions! I have asked myself all of those exact questions, it drives me crazy! I do think you should ask to have an ultra sound to check your follicles and see if you are responding to clomid, my first month (5omg) my biggest follicle was a 9! which is not big enough at all! my second cycle (100mg) my biggest was a 17 So talk with your Dr. about monitoring how your follies are growing it will at least let you know if you need to be bumped up to 100mg!
    Sending lots of good luck to you this week!

  6. All those things are valid and understandable questions and frustrations. This is what IF does to us.
    Be patient with yourself and do things that make you happy right now. It's the only way you will stay sane.
    Pamper yourself!!!