28 Week Update (and other ramblings)

I'm almost two weeks late in posting this.  Sorry!  Time seems to have started moving faster and is getting away from me.  We have about 8 weeks to go, which is so crazy to think about.  It's getting down to crunch time, and we have so much left to do! 

First, my 28 week bump photo:

 

 

When I look in the mirror I don't think I look that big.  And then I see a photo of myself and it all makes sense - the reason for my aching back, swollen feet, and general feeling of exhaustion.  This carrying two babies thing is starting to take it's toll on me! 

 

Once again, everything went great at my 28 week appointment last Monday.  Baby boy finally seems to have outgrown his sister, with an estimated weight of 3 lb, 1oz.  Sister was estimated at 2 lb, 13 oz.  I walked out of there thinking, "weird, I have 6 pounds of baby in there and I still feel great!"  Yeah, I spoke too soon because that all seems to have gone downhill over the last week.  No major complaints, but I'm just generally feeling more uncomfortable and tired.  I no longer walk - I waddle :)

 

In other news:

 

Nursery

 

We did it.  We repainted.  Or I should say Jeff repainted this weekend.  We just couldn't stand the baby blue hue the paint was taking on and found another paint that was a more definite grey that we were looking for.  I know those of you who commented thought it looked grey, but what I bet you will think differently when you see this comparison (the darker blocks is the new color):

 

 

So now that the painting is done and finally the color we want, we could get both cribs set up!

 

Still working on bedding and other furniture, so that's as far we have gotten so far.

Work

I just accepted a new position at work this week.  It's a supervisory position that, of course, entails more responsiblity.  Not the best timing to be starting a new position, but that can't be helped.  I've basically been doing the same job for 6 years, so I'm very nervous about doing something new and different.  There will be a bit of a learning curve, but I know I have it in me to succeed.  I also feel like I will have people working alongside and above me who will all be great mentors to lean on.  And hey - with two babies on the way, more money is definitely a huge motiviation to take this on.

Daycare

Sore subject.  Move on!  Seriously though, this has been a hot topic and source of disagreement in our household for a few weeks.  Long story short, I feel more comfortable sending them to a center (which will have better hours, more security, and will be more reliable).  Jeff wants to send them to an in-home and his only argument for that is it's cheaper.  Despite his objection, I went ahead and put a deposit down at a center in order to secure spots for them.  To please Jeff, I'm still going to look for in-homes, but felt like I needed them to have a spot somewhere in order to take some stress off me, and not put so much pressure on our search.  I still think it's going to be difficult to find an good in-home with two openings, but I guess you never know. 

I'd like to say I'll be back before Christmas, but since that's only 5 days away (how did that happen?!) I know that's probably unlikely.  So, I will wish you all Happy Holidays now!  Stay safe if you are traveling and enjoy your time with family and friends!

 



Seeing Gray....Or Blue?

Well, I'm 26 weeks pregnant and we decided it was time to start on the nursery this weekend.  I know there are people out there who start in on decorating the nursery as soon as they find out they are pregnant, but that certainly was not going to be me.  Heck, if I could I'd wait until these babies are actually born, but I know that probably wouldn't be the smartest idea either.  So, a couple weeks past viability I finally felt comfortable enough to get this thing started. 

So, are you ready for the long drama?

We had tossed around a few ideas for how to do the room.  Let me just say, trying to figure out how to decorate a room for both a boy and a girl is hard.  Like, really hard.  At first we were going to do a jungle theme - and somewhere along the way decided we weren't in love with that idea.  Not to mention I was stressing out about how uncreative I am and wasn't sure I was up to the challenge of doing a themed room and having it come out cute.  So, in the end we finally decided to paint the walls gray, figuring whatever girl and boy bedding we find would go well with that color.

Ok, back to the drama.

Gray.  If I hear that word one more time I think I'll shoot myself.  Last week was spent scouring Pinterest and Goo.gle Images for gray nursery ideas and paint colors, and running around to various stores getting paint samples to see how they would look on the wall.  We painted the samples on over our currently beige wall, and everything came out....blue.  Off to the store for more samples, put them on the wall, and.....blue.  WTF?!  We finally figured out the beige was coming through, turning the colors into something they weren't.  We were trying to avoid priming, but decided it was inevitable if we wanted the paint color to turn out right. 

Jeff's mom, bless her heart, had decided to come to our place for Thanksgiving this year and stay through the weekend so she and Jeff could paint (neither of them wanted me around all the paint fumes, which was probably the right thing to do).  So they got the walls primed Friday, and Saturday morning we painted the samples back on the wall.  What a difference!  The colors actually looked gray, and matched the paper swatches this time.  Right away all 3 of us zeroed in on one color and immediately decided that was the one.  It was Benjamin Moore's Coventry Gray. So, off to the hardware store to buy a gallon of paint.

Here's where the drama continues.  BM has 3 lines of paint, and only their high end line (i.e. their $67 a gallon line) carries the satin finish, which is what we (and doesn't everyone else?) wanted.  Jeff was not happy.  At all.  Jeff can be, shall we say, a little tight with money.  I have to say I can't blame him in this case though.  $35 for a gallon of paint?  A normal amount we were expecting to spend.  $67?  Holy moly, that's unreasonable!  After arguing talking it over, we decided we already had the color we liked picked out and didn't feel like starting all over again with trying to find one we liked.  So, we forked over the dough and headed back home for Jeff and his mom to get to work:

(notice the window sill? he needed to calm his nerves after all that)

 

Finally getting some color on the wall!  Looks so pretty going on doesn't it?

 

Pretty gray walls:

 

 

Or is it baby blue?

 



Gah!  Now that it's all on and dried, it's giving off more of a baby blue hue - although still sometimes gray depending on what light it's in.  It's not exactly what we had in mind, but what can we do at this point?  We've already spent $67 on a gallon of paint, plus primer, plus who knows how much in samples.  It's too late to do it all over again.  I really think the beige ceiling, beige carpet, light brown woodwork, and light brown dresser (that we may end up not using afterall) is making it have the blue tint.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that once we get our dark cribs in there, with some cute bedding and fun stuff on the walls, that it will look much better. 

Needless to say, what was suppose to be a fun experience, turned out to be pretty stressful all the way through to the end.  I sure hope the rest of the decorating is smooth-sailing from here on out....

So what do you think?  Is is gray?  Or is it blue?

24 Weeks....

....and all is well on the homefront.  I can't believe I've made it to viability.  And I also can't believe how fast this pregnancy seems to have gone so far.  Even though we have so much to do, I'd be okay with it continuing to fly by.  Not because I'm not enjoying pregnancy, but because I'm starting to get anxious to meet these little ones and see what they look like and what their personalities are like.  Not too anxious though - I'll gladly wait until they are nice and fully baked. 

How are the babies doing?

Great!  The ultrasound this week showed everything was as it should be.  Baby A (our girl) is estimated to weigh 1 lb, 11 oz and Baby B (our boy) is estimated to be 1 lb, 8 oz.  Fluids, placentas, and all that other stuff looks good.  Right now Baby A is head down and Baby B is breech, but that can always change before delivery.  Whether I have a vaginal delivery or C-section all depends on their position at the time of birth.  It mostly depends on if Baby A is head down or breech.  As much as I don't like the thought of pushing 2 babies out of my hoo-ha, I think I'd much rather avoid a C-section if at all possible.  Either way, I just want them to get here safe and healthy no matter how that happens.

How am I doing?

Good for the most part.  I've just started to see/feel some changes with my body this week that are a little alarming, and not things I was expecting this early on.  My belly is already measuring 30 weeks, so I guess I need to remember that those uncomfortable symptoms that start later on for most people are going to start happening to me earlier. 

My feet:  are starting to feel achy for most of the day, and I've noticed some swelling in my feet and ankles.  I went to the mall for a couple hours Friday afternoon and that about did me in.  My feet were so sore afterwards, and were even still really sore the next day.  I think it's time to find some more loose-fitting, comfortable shoes. 

My back:  not too bad yet.  If I'm up walking around for awhile (like my mall trip, or just cooking supper and doing dishes) my back starts to hurt.  I was expecting my back to be the first thing to go, but so far it's holding up okay.

My insides:  one word:  squished!  This is the first week I've been able to tell that I'm running out of room in there.  I can't eat (nor do I have the desire to) like I have been anymore.  I eat a normal amount of food for a meal and feel completely stuffed and miserable afterwards.  I've read in several places that the rule of thumb with twins is to gain the weight early (ideally aiming for 24 pounds by 24 weeks) for exactly this reason, and now I can see why!  Seeing the scale creep up over 25 pounds these last few months is a little scary, but I can now see it was all for good reason.  I'll be interested to see how much my weight gain slows down now that I can't stuff my face like I use to (although managing a bowl of ice cream every night hasn't been an issue yet ;) ).

Other than that I don't have much news to report.  Feeling a little overwelmed now by all the preparations we need to start making, but that will be an entirely new post....

The Nesting Has Begun

I think the nesting has started for us.  We were in full on organizing/purging/cleaning mode this weekend.  When we moved into our house 3 years ago, all of our totes and boxes of stuff we didn't immediately need got thrown in our basement storage room and pretty much hasn't been touched since.  When we have needed something, we had to spend the time looking through each tote until we found what we were looking for.  With the babies coming, we decided it's time to get all of our junk organized.  So we bought a set of storage shelves this weekend, and got to work.

Some during and after photos:

And the finished product - ta da!

It feels good to have this project finally tackled.  Now on to the next one!

Twin/Gender Reveal Party

It's a.....

Girl and Boy!!!

We were so excited last Monday when we found out we were having one of each.  Baby A is a girl and Baby B is a boy.  It's going to be so nice to now be able to refer to them as he or she, instead of it, or A or B. 

We had our party with our immediate families yesterday to share the big news that we were having twins, as well as their genders.  Needless to say, everyone was completely shocked.  Jeff and I were both taken aback a little bit by everyone's reaction....it was way more than we expected.  I expected quiet dumbfoundedness (is that a word?), and instead we got many tears - practically on the verge of sobbing.  I've only seen my dad cry two times in my whole life, and even he was crying pretty hard.  I think his reaction got my tears flowing the hardest.  Afterwards he jumped on the phone and started calling all of his friends....it was pretty cute :)

And guess what else?  We even received some baby gifts!  My mom and Jeff's sister had brought with them both a boy and girl gift, with the intention of returning whichever one we didn't need, and instead we kept them both, haha! 

(our loot)

 

 

Jeff's sister is letting us have their baby furniture, and they went ahead and brought down the changing table with them this weekend.  So we have one piece of furniture and the stuff pictured above in our house, which is a little surreal.  I still am having a hard time completely letting go and believing this is really going to happen.  But then I tell myself I'm not sure if I'm ever going to stop worrying and completely let my guard down so I suppose I should roll with it and start having fun. 

 

 

But seriously, how cute is it going to be to see the babes side-by-side in these little outfits?

 



:)

Half Baked

Wow, I can't believe I just wrote the title to this post.  Over the last 2 years, the thought of making it to the point of walking in for our anatomy scan seemed like a dream that was so far out of our reach.  But we made it.  We had our scan Monday, and it couldn't have been more perfect. 

As for the genders?  Well, you'll have to wait until next week :p 

Our twin/gender reveal party with our families is this weekend.  How we managed to keep this a secret for this long is beyond me.  But we did it, and I cannot wait to see their reactions.  So I promise party pics will be coming next week!

16 Weeks

As promised, my 16 week bump photo:

Ugh, I look pretty bad, but that was seriously about as good as it was going to get this week.  I'm blaming this all on Jeff's lack of photography skills. 

I had another appointment with my OB last week.  I had an ultrasound to check my cervix.  It measured 3.9 cm and was nice and closed.  Apparently they start to worry when it gets below 2cm, so this was great news.  I'll have it checked again at my 20 week u/s (which is also our anatomy scan - holy crap!).  They also did a quick check on the babies, and both hearts were still beating away. 

Other than that my appointment was pretty uneventful.  No bloodwork, no peeing in a cup, nothing. 

I've started to gain some energy back.  Like I mentioned in my previous post, I've been getting out and walking again, which has felt great.  And, I don't get completely out of breath like I did during 1st trimester.  My only issue now is trying to walk for more than 30 minutes without having to pee! 

I was getting some pretty bad headaches (some even turned into migraines) for the last few weeks.  I'm prone to migraines anyway, though not this frequently.  My OB said pregnancy can either make headaches/migraines worse or better, and apparently I'm one of the unlucky ones who gets them worse now.  Under the advice of some women I've talked to, I've started drinking caffeine again this week.  I start my day off with ~8 oz of Diet Coke and that has seemed to help.  Maybe the majority of the headaches were from caffeine withdrawal and I just never noticed it in the first trimester because I felt crappy anyway?  My OB also said I can take up to 1000mg (2 extra strength) of Tylenol - when the handout I received at my first appointment said I could only take 650mg.  So that seems to help knock them out when I feel one coming on as well. 

Other than that I've been doing pretty well.  I wake up every day so thankful that I've made it this far. 

A Lot On My Mind

I promise to have a 16 week bumpdate posted soon.  I have the bump photos taken, I just haven't had time to get them uploaded to the computer.  For right now though, I have a lot of random thoughts swirling around in my mind.  So, for today you get bullets. 

- I feel like we should start planning/making preparations for the babies, but at the same time it feels so early yet.  I can't believe I'm almost 17 weeks - where has the time gone?  We're going to Jeff's sister's this weekend and they have been saving their baby furniture for us.  So we may be bringing home a crib this weekend - which scares the living daylights out of me.   

- Daycare.  I'm not sure if in-home or a center is better.  (Warning:  I know absolutely nothing about either.  All of my thoughts are based off of stereotypes I've created in my head.)  I like with in-home you might get a little more personalized care, and it just seems.....cozier.  What bothers me about in-home is providers can take off 2 weeks during the year, and you still have to pay them - and find alternative care for that time.   This isn't a huge deal for us because I get 5 weeks vacation a year, but the principal behind it bothers me for some reason.  At least with a center if an aid takes vacation, there are others there for backup and they would likely never be closed (except maybe some extra time over the holidays).  I'm also not sure if we are going to be able to find an in-home provider that will even be able to take 2 babies at once, I guess it all depends on how many slots they would happen to have open.  In-home is going to be cheaper than a center, but in some ways I think it would be worth it because it just seems more dependable.  A new center close to our house is having an open house next week and we are planning on going.  I think I'll feel better about all this once I start gathering information. 

- Maternity clothes shopping.  Over-freaking-welming.

- I always envisioned that I would be a super active, healthy, and fit pregnant person who would walk 3-4 miles a day without fail.  Yeah, that's not happening.  In the beginning I was too worried about miscarriage/tired/concerned about aggravating the SCH that I didn't exercise.  Oh, and the fact that it was almost 100 degrees here for most of my first trimester.  I've already gained close to 10 pounds, which feels like it's too much.  I asked my OB how much total weight I should aim to gain and he said 35.  Eeek!  I'm almost 1/3 of the way to that and still have a long ways to go.  Now that the weather is nice and cooler, and I'm more relaxed and comfortable with this pregnancy, I'm going to start trying to exercise every day - even if it's only a 30 minute walk around our neighborhood.  I don't feel like my diet is horrible, but I could definitely make improvements.  I've been trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, but it's hard to fit it all in.

- I have a new possible job opportunity on the horizon.  It's a different position within my same department.  It would mean more money, but also more responsiblity.  I'm not sure if taking on a new position right now is the best idea, but we could definitely use more cash once these babies get here.  I figure I'll apply for it and whatever is meant to be will be.   

I hope you are all having a great fall so far!  It's finally down into the 60s/low 70s here and I'm loving it.  This weekend it might even be cool enough to break out a hooded sweatshirt for the first time, and I can't wait :)

I Caved....

...and bought a doppler. 

I've always had mixed feelings about home dopplers, and went back and forth a lot at the beginning of this pregnancy about whether or not I was going to get one.  Ultimately I decided not to, as I was afraid it would stress me out if I couldn't find a heartbeat. 

Well, that all changed this week.  For some reason I felt compelled to order one.  I started feeling like I needed something to reassure me during my occassional moments of panic in between appointments.  Up until now I've been able to have ultrasounds every couple weeks, which has helped keep me sane.  But now my appointments are going to start being every 4 weeks, and I started feeling like I just wouldn't be able to handle the wait.  So I ordered one, and it arrived yesterday. 

I had been tracking the shipping and knew that it was going to be waiting for me when I got home after work.  I was like a giddy school girl all day, just waiting for 4:00 to come.  I contemplated waiting until Jeff got home to try it, but I was like a kid with a new toy and couldn't stand seeing it sitting there in front of me and not play with it.  So I tried it, and it didn't take me long to find both heartbeats. 

For anyone considering getting a doppler, I highly recommend not trying it until after your doctor has used one on you.  I remembered where my OB had it placed when he found the heartbeats, so I immediately went to those same spots, and there they were!  The placement of the wand is so much lower on your belly than I would have thought - like, right at your pubic hair line to be blunt.  If I hadn't already seen it done by my doctor, I think I would have been searching up closer to my belly button, and then freaking out for not finding it.

We used it later last night after Jeff was home.  For some reason it took me a lot longer to find them the second time.  I don't think the doppler is measuring the correct heart rates though.  Maybe because they are still too small and the sound is too faint yet to get an accurate reading? 

I'm going to try and only use it once or twice a week for peace of mind.  I say that, but then I've already been getting excited today at the thought of checking again once I get home.  I'm afraid this may turn into a bad habit...
 

12/13 Week Update

All is well and quiet around here. 

We had our NT scan on Friday and it went well...I think.  I say that because we both kind of forgot to ask after the scan if everything was okay.  I assume the tech would have told us if something didn't look right.  From what little I know, the neck mesurement that popped up on the screen for Baby A appeared to be within normal limits (I think it was 1.6 and I've read anything under 3 is good).  She wasn't able to get a neck measurement on Baby B because of the way he/she was positioned. 

In all honestly, I really didn't care.  The only reason I chose to do this scan, was to have another ultrasound for reassurance that they were still there growing away, since my next OB appointment isn't until 16 weeks.  I know that's not what the purpose of this scan is for, but after having 3 losses I'll do anything I can to keep my sanity.

Most people wait until they are through their first trimester before they start announcing to the world they are expecting, and it's so hard to believe we're there now.  Our immediate families already know we are expecting, and I don't see any reason not to start telling our friends, coworkers, and extended family.  But it just seems so strange to think about actually saying the words out loud.  Maybe I'm afraid that sharing our news will all of a sudden jinx things.

Call us crazy, but we haven't told a soul we're expecting twins yet.  When we first found out we thought it would be fun to totally shock and surprise everyone around 20 weeks when we find out the genders.  After our scan Friday, I started to wane and thought maybe we should just tell people now.  But after Jeff and I discussed it more, we decided to wait.  I'm still not sure this is the right thing to do, but a part of me likes this being our own little secret (shared with blogging land of course!).  And we want to announce it in a fun way, which we haven't even come up with yet.  I hope our families don't get mad at us, and I hope we don't come across as trying to seek extra attention by essentially making two announcements.  But, I do love a good surprise.  And after having most pregnancy-related surprises stripped away from us simply because of miscarriages and infertility, this is our last great surprise we can hold onto. 

Without further ado, here's my 12 week bump photo from this weekend (which was actually taken at 13 weeks because I wanted to make sure we had a good scan first).

(Don't mind the hair, it was Sunday morning, give me a break!)

 

 







First OB Appt (11 weeks)

Yesterday was my first appointment with my new OB.  I had an almost-hour long appointment first with the nurse to go over my history, etc.  I think I made it pretty clear to her that I wasn't going to be walking out of there without some kind of confirmation that everything was still okay.  She said they usually won't even attempt to look for a heartbeat with the dopplar until 12 weeks, but at the same time understood my need for reassurance.

After waiting for a little while, the OB came in and we talked about my history and stuff for a few minutes.  Then he left so I could get undressed.  When he came back he immediately pulled out the dopplar and said he usually doesn't like to use it this early, as it might be very unlikely to hear a heartbeat at this point, but he would go ahead and give it a try for me.  He also said that he for sure wouldn't be able to tell if he was picking up two different heartbeats, or if it was the same one. 

So he gave it a try, and we immediately heard the fast 'thump, thump, thump' of a heartbeat!  He was only able to capture it for a few seconds before it disappeared.  He then moved it around and found a spot where my heartbeat was coming through, to show me the difference at how much slower mine was.  He then moved it around for what felt like 2 more minutes, and then found a heartbeat again (the second time was in a different spot than the first so I'm telling myself we picked it up from each one). 

I'm so relieved he gave the dopplar a try, and I'm happy the little ones pulled through for me to tell me they were still there. 

However....

While I anticipated walking out of there feeling awesome if I had a good appointment, instead I feel really indifferent about it all and I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's because I didn't actually see anything with my own eyes it's still hard to believe there are two babies in there growing away like they should.  Maybe it's because I know we still have many more hurdles and milestones to cross before I can let myself truly relax and get excited.  Or maybe it's because I keep expecting to receive bad news and when I don't, I simply don't know how to react...

My 10 Week Non-Update

I feel bad that I haven't written anything in awhile.  I think, like so many others, once I become pregnant I don't want to write or talk about it because I'm afraid I'll jinx something.  So I remain quiet and try to get through each day and week until my next appointment.  But....I thought since it's been a couple weeks I should say hello!

I call this my non-update because I really don't have much new to report.  I have my first OB appointment on Monday.  And this will be with a new OB, since I've kicked my old one to the curb.  The RE I met with last time had said even though I've had 3 losses, they have been early and wouldn't necessarily qualify me for needing to see a high risk OB.  However, when I went to make the appointment, the receptionist thought that, for that reason as well as the fact that I'm pregnant with twins, I should see a MFM and scheduled me with one anyway.  These are all within the same facility, and this girl normally works in OB but had been filling in at the RE's side that day, so I trusted she knew what she was doing.  Getting an appointment with a MFM without having to jump through any hurdles?  I'll take it!  She said he also sees regular OB patients too, so it shouldn't be an issue.  Don't most people with twins see a MFM at some point anyway?   

So yeah, I have no idea what to expect at this appointment.  I have an initial appointment at 8:00 with the nurse to go over my history, and then with the actual doctor at 9:00.  I don't want to tell them how to do their jobs, but I really want to tell the nurse to check for heartbeats first thing, otherwise there's no point in sitting through a 2-hour long appointment if there's no reason to.  Surely they won't let me leave without confirming heartbeats are still present, right?  And...will they be able to find them with a dopplar at 11 weeks, or will I need another u/s?  Like I said, I have no idea what to expect and the unknown scares me a little.  Oh, and I'm going to this appointment alone.  Ballsy of me?  Probably.  But it's getting hard for Jeff to miss so much work for these appointments, and I really want to put on my big girl pants and be able to handle whatever news comes my way by myself.    

But, I'm hopeful that there will be a reason to stick around for a long appointment.

I still feel like all my symptoms are hanging around.  I didn't want to take the time to find a symptom check-in template, so here's my makeshift one: 

Thirst
One of my first pregnancy symptoms has always been extreme thirst, and that hasn't faded with time like it has all the other times before.  I still wake up in the morning, or middle of the night, with extreme cotton mouth.  I have to guzzle water all day like it's going out of style, and it still doesn't feel like I get enough. 

Bathroom Trips
I'm still making regular visits to the bathroom to pee during the day, and waking in the middle of the night to go too.  Again, getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom never acoompanied my other pregnancies, so I feel like this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Nausea
The nausea seems to still be hanging around.  It's never been horrible, and never all day, but I do still experience it occasionally.  It seems like it disappears on the weekends, and reappears during weekdays.  I'm sure this can be attributed to the fact that I get to sleep way more on the weekends, and don't do much.  Needless to say, weekends have been the worst emotionally for me, because when I'm feeling good, I worry.

Fatigue
Fatigue is definitely something that's hit me hard (and again, never really had this with the other pregnancies).  I take a nap almost every day after work, and still have no problems sleeping at night.  Most days I feel like I could collapse on my desk and take a nap as well. 

Boobs
They're still big!  I can't say they have really been too sore, but they have definitely grown.  One thing I remember from the other 3 times, is my boobs would always "deflate" prior to us finding out the bad news.  It always worried me, but at the time I tried to tell myself that it was normal.  So thankfully this time they're still spilling out over my bra, which is very reassuring.

Bump
Still haven't seen this :(  But, from what I've read that's okay.  Even with twins it doesn't sound like most people have a prominant bump at 10 weeks anyway.  I definitely have a pouch, which gets bigger and smaller as the bloat comes and goes.  But nothing definite yet.  It's so hard to believe everything is okay when you can't physically see a sign of it yet.  But I keep reminding myself that this is normal, and there's plenty of time for me to turn into a house over the next 30 weeks or so :)

So, that's all I know for now.  I'll update you as soon as I can after my appointment Monday.  Please pray I get good news. 

2nd Ultrasound (8w4d)

I'm not gonna lie, I've been a tad bit nervous for the last week or so about our ultrasound today.  I was on a high for the first few days following our first u/s, and then the doubt and worry started to creep back in.  They mostly would creep in during my moments of feeling well (i.e. no nausea), which seems to happen more often lately. 

However, luckily the neausea kicked back in for a couple hours last night, and after feeling myself up for the 100th time I decided my boobs are way bigger than they have ever been.  So even though I was still nervous walking in today, I did have quite a bit of confidence that things were still trekking along like they should be. 

And today, the babes did not disappoint.

Babe A is measuring 8w5d with a heart rate of 180bpm and Babe B is measuring 8w6d with a heart rate of 177bpm.  And, they actually are starting to look like babies!  They have little tiny arm and leg buds, we could see their spines, and the dark spots on their heads are the brains forming. 

It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life.  Babe B was even showing off and wiggling around for us a little bit :) 

I know we still have many more milestones to reach before we bring these babies home safe and healthy.  But today I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I can actually let go of my fear and start enjoying this pregnancy and letting myself get excited. 

1st Ultrasound

I'll just cut right to it.  We saw TWO beautiful heartbeats at our ultrasound this morning!  Both are measuring right on track for 7 weeks, and both had a heartrate of 142 bpm (little stinkers are already acting exactly alike!).  She said the yolk sac was sacs were measuring good (I'm not sure why this matters, but she said it did).  I do have a small hematoma, which they said could cause some bleeding.  They said it's not big enough to be a cause for concern.  Maybe that explains the spotting I had last week? 

I, of course, immediately started crying when the tech told us the news.  I was so entranced staring at the screen, I didn't look at Jeff too much, but I could hear him sniffling beside me as well.  It was a beautiful moment :) 

Obviously, it's still early and we have a long way to go.  We've been to the the point of seeing a heartbeat twice before.  But I do feel like we did so much differently this cycle, and everything up to this point has been close to perfect that, for right now, I'm optimistic.  We're going to take this one appointment at a a time and try not to think too far ahead (but we all know how easy it is to daydream and let your mind wander). 

I have another ultrasound next Thursday and we'll go from there. 

Without further ado, meet our babies:

Spilling The Beans

When I found out I was pregnant again this time, I decided pretty quickly that we weren't going to tell ANYONE until we made it through the first trimester (or close to it).  And by anyone, I mean our immediate families (since those are the only ones we've ever told early on before).  It wasn't because I didn't want to have to un-tell, we've always received great support in those times.  It was more for a variety of other reasons.

- I don't like getting everyone's hopes up, only to later disappoint them.

- I don't like everyone getting excited about it, when I'm still very unsure of how things are going to turn out.

- I don't like people asking me how I feel.  At this point I'm trying to block out the fact that I'm even pregnant just to help keep me calm, and people constantly bringing attention to it isn't going to help.

- This last one is really stupid.  I still dream of being able to make some grand announcement at 13 weeks that we are expecting.  Yes, after 3 miscarriages I'm still holding on to the dream of that moment.  I long for that moment so badly.  It makes me so sad and angry that it has been ripped away from me 3 times now.  For once, just once, I would love to be a "normal" person and do a cute announcement. 

With that being said, I ended up spilling the beans to my mom this week.  She had a doctor's appointment up here yesterday morning, and came up Tuesday night to spend the night at our place.  We had spent last weekend with my parents (my sister-in-law was back in the state with my niece and nephew and we went to her parents' house to see them).  We are going to spend this next weekend with my parents again (my dad's side is getting together).  When I refuse a beer, it's pretty obvious what's going on so I figured after last weekend my parents had a pretty good suspicion I was knocked up.  If I did the same thing again this weekend, it was going to be really obvious.  I know some would say, let people think what they want but it doesn't mean you have to fess up.  The problem is, I knew spending many hours of alone time with my mom was going to be really awkward if I didn't say anything.  And, I hate lying to my mom.  I've never been able to keep things from her (this is the girl who crawled into her parents' bed the morning after her first night of drinking in high school to beg her mom for anything - anything - to make the vomit and headache to go away). 

So, I told her.  And she said she already knew (how do mothers know these things?!). 

I'm not sure how I feel about telling her.  I enjoyed Jeff and I being the only ones to know and having our own little secret from the rest of the world.  But, she's my mom and it's good to know I have one extra person to turn to for support if I have any freakout moments.     

Speaking of, in an update to the spotting I wrote about Monday, it ended up stopping by Monday afternoon and I haven't had anything since.  So hopefully it was nothing, and I'm honestly not too worried about it (which doesn't mean I still don't dread going to the bathroom for fear of what I'll find). 

6 Weeks

Here is what I intended to write today regarding my symptoms:

So I'm entering the 6th week now.  The day I found out I was pregnant again, I told Jeff I really hope I'm puking my guts out this entire pregnancy because then I would at least feel like everything was okay. 

Well, it seems as though my wish has been granted, sort of.  I haven't come to the point of actually vomiting yet, but definitely haven't felt well for several days now.  I recently read of morning sickness being similar to a hangover.  I think that analogy is spot on.  If you've ever been unfortunate enough to go over your alcohol limit you know what I'm talking about.  You feel nauseous and on the verge of wanting to run to the bathroom, but at the same time you feel like a hot, greasy cheeseburger will for sure make you feel better.  And then after consuming said cheeseburger, you still feel like crap. 

This is something I haven't experienced with any of my other 3 pregnancies (or if I did I know it wasn't this early, or this strong) so that definitely helps calm my nerves a little. 

My boobs are sore and have doubled in size already (okay, not literally, but pretty darn close). 

I really, truly have a good feeling about this and I hope I'm not jinxing things by saying that.  Surely, surely, the universe won't make us go through this a 4th time, right?  I feel like our bad luck HAS to run out at some point.  I'm just trying to remain positive and not overthink things. 

.
.
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So that's what I was thinking...until I woke up this morning to brown spotting.  It's very, very minimal, but it's there.  So all the positive thinking I've been doing for the last 2 weeks has pretty much flown out the window.  I know it's common, and it probably doesn't mean anything is wrong.  But it still annoys me.  Can't I ever have a smooth-sailing pregnancy??  
 

Movie Review: Magic Mike

Saturday night a girlfriend and I went to see Magic Mike.  I was caught somewhere between really wanting to see it, and being a little skeptical.  Don't get me wrong, Chan.ning Tatum makes for some good eye candy, but the more movies I see him in, the more I think he's not that great of an actor.  So walking into the theater, I wasn't sure what to expect. 

But I have to say, it ended up being a really good movie.  It was so much fun.  Seeing it on the big screen made me feel like I was in the middle of a male strip club (with hot strippers, not the nasty greasy ones) with my girlfriends. 

Channing's acting didn't annoy me so much in this movie as it has in others.  And the dancing?  Oh boy, the dancing (and stripping) was out of this world.  I told Jeff he needs to watch it and take some notes on how to girate his hips like that, haha! 

So yeah, if you're looking for a silly good time, I highly recommend it.


In the words of Camp.bell's soup, it was "mmm mmm good." 

Beta #2

1561

More than doubled. 


I don't have anything to overanalyze compare these numbers too, because my ob/gyn never ran betas.  Maybe my betas would have always looked good in the beginning, or maybe not.  There's no way I'll ever know.  But, this reassures me for now.  I feel like this will help me stay calm and relaxed until our first ultrasound, which is 2 weeks from next Monday.   

I have to say though, after reading some of your comments, I'm a little worried I have a small army growing in there.....

Beta #1

Yes, you saw that right.  I have a beta to report.  I was a little confused in this post about my dates, and later realized that this past Friday would be 12dpo, not 11.  So I tested, and it was positive.

Jeff had a 20 year (I feel like I sound like I married an ol' geezer when I say that!) class reunion Saturday, so we left Friday afternoon to head to his hometown for the weekend.  And, because nothing is ever easy for me, I started having some brown spotting and mild cramping that lasted all weekend.  Part of me kept telling myself it was just little one snuggling in, and of course part of me was worried.  Luckily, it stopped Sunday and I could relax a little more. 

Needless to say, after that I wasn't too confident going in for my beta yesterday. 

I was told to call this morning to get my result.  After looking at this chart I was thinking my number would be somewhere between 100-200 (at 15dpo).  I realize the numbers can vary quite a bit, and it's the doubling time that matters more than the actual number.  But still, I kept telling myself anything over 100 I would be okay with, and something closer to 200 would make me relax a little more.  So I was shocked when the nurse told me the number.

621

"Oh my God!" were the exact words out of my mouth when she said that.  That was nowhere near what I was expecting to hear.  Again, I know one number doesn't mean anything, and it's the doubling that counts, but that number gave me a lot of reassurance.  We still have a long way to go, but it helps to know that as of today, everything is good. 

Second beta draw is tomorrow and I should have the results Thursday morning. 

 

Rainbows

I've been meaning to post this all week, and just haven't found the time.  After many weeks with no rain (our poor grass is brown and crunchy), we finally got a mini-storm last Saturday evening.  It didn't last long, but it was enough of a storm that I was able to get that cozy feel that comes along with a good storm.  Just as it was ending, we decided to run out and rent a movie for the night.  As we got back in the car with our movie and were pulling out of the parking lot, we saw this in front of us:

 (do you see it?)

My mind and heart immediately went to Alissa and her sweet angels.  You see, they are always giving her signs, in the form of rainbows, that they are still around.  So I couldn't help but think of her. 

And they were still there when we got home.

We decided to walk down to the pond in our neighboorhood to feed the ducks.  Unfortunately, they ran away from Jeff as soon as he started walking toward them.

(awe, he looks so lonely)



But we still got to enjoy another awesome view.

Have a great weekend :)

My New Friends

Warning:  there might be a little TMI in this post.  Proceed with caution....


These little guys are starting to grow on me. 

I was prescribed by my RE to take Prometrium during the 2WW.  They are an oral pill, but I'm instructed to take them vaginally.  During my last pregnancy, my ob/gyn had me on progesterone suppositories, and let me just say the difference between the two is like night at day. 

There is no lying down for 30 minutes after inserting these (read:  no getting up at 5:30am, walking out to the kitchen, taking a suppository out of the fridge, going to the bathroom to insert it, washing my hands, and going back to bed and lying wide awake for 30 minutes waiting for my second alarm to go off).  Nope, I just insert one of these bad boys twice a day and and go on my merry way.  They are way less messy and don't cause irritation.  I have a tiny bit of pinkish/orange leakage, but nothing a pantiliner can't handle. 

It almost seems too easy.  I'm not sure if a suppository is more effective than Prometrium, and Google is failing to give me an answer.  My RE said they basically work the same, and since this is easier, it's what they go with.  I assume my RE knows what he's doing so I'm going to trust him and not worry about it. 

They must be working, as my boobs (ok, it's just my nipples and not the entire boob if you want the honest truth) have been sore ever since I started taking them.  So my body must be absorbing them like it should. 

I know I said I don't care either way what the outcome of this cycle is (and I really don't), but this 2WW still seems to be dragging by.  I still have over a week to go before I can test.  I was planning on testing next Saturday (at 12dpo) but now Jeff is talking about possibly going home for his high school class reunion next weekend.  Which means I'd either have to test at his mom's house, or wait until Monday (14dpo).  Since I really don't want to pee on a stick outside of the comfort of my own bathroom, at this point I'm leaning towards holding off until Monday (or seeing what a Friday morning test produces....because you know, I'm impatient like that).   

Have a great weekend!

Ready, Aim, Trigger

When I went in Tuesday (CD10) this week, I didn't have any follicles over 10mm, and was already getting discouraged thinking this cycle might end up being a bust.  They incresed my dosage of Follistim and had me come back today for another ultrasound.  It looks like my ovaries decided to kick it into gear and start making some things happen.

My follicle sizes today were: 1@18mm, 1@15mm, 3@14mm, and 1@12mm

The RE I met with said she was a little nervous about letting me trigger, but thinks it will be okay and gave me the go ahead (as long as I wanted to) to trigger tonight.  She said the smaller ones could catch up and end up containing a mature egg, but she doesn't think they will....though she said she has seen crazier things happen (followed by some stories of patients she's worked with, which freaked me out a little). 

I was a little surprised to hear we were at the point of triggering already today, only because I've seen most people say follicles need to be between 18-20mm to trigger.  I guess the fact that I have one at 18mm is how they decide it's time?

I'm not going to lie.  I'm nervous.  I'm nervous about being pregnant again and all the emotions that come with it.  Part of me wants to put a halt to all of this right now in order to avoid those impending fears.  But at the same time, I know I'll never fully be ready.  Whether it's 3 months from now or a year from now, I'll always be scared of the what if's.  So I figure now is as good of a time as any.  I've already gone through doing the injections, so I might as well see this cycle through and see what happens and hope for the best. 

And honestly, if it doesn't work out this cycle, I'm 100% okay with that too.

   
 

How Far We've Come

Last night was my first date with this guy:

What's the ice cream topping doing there you ask?  That was my reward afterwards :)

And it went good!  Jeff ended up giving me the shot.  I could have done it myself, but he really wanted to for some reason.  And hey, I'm not going to argue with a husband that actually wants to be involved in this process.  I think the whole experience ended up being a bit more traumatic for him than me.  It was a piece of cake for me, but he said it made him a little woozy (this is the guy who practically went white when he was told he was going to have to give blood for our karyotyping).  I have to say it felt really weird staring at my belly while my husband stuck a needle in it...it was a very surreal moment.  We do another injection tonight, and then I go in tomorrow for an ultrasound to see where I stand.

Warning:  I'm about to get really cheesy and sentimental.


I'm so thankful I have Jeff by my side throughout all of this.  I can honestly say I never expected him to be as supportive as he has been.  When I first got my PCOS diagnosis, I remember feeling overwelmingly alone.  I felt like this was my hurdle to try and get over all by myself.  My biggest fear was Jeff leaving me if I couldn't give him the kids he's always wanted.  And now looking back, I see how silly I was. 

Granted, I don't think at first he realized what me having PCOS really meant (hell, even I didn't fully understand it either at that point).  And yes, our first loss didn't hit him as hard as it hit me.  But now, after all we've been through since, he gets it.  And he's still standing beside me, holding my hand the entire time. 

I'm not going to say I'm happy we've had three miscarriages, but in a weird/f*cked up way I am thankful for them.  I can say for certain our relationship would not be as strong today as it would have been had they not happened.  I feel like if we can get through what we've been through, we will have no problems handling whatever else life has in store for us.  It's such an awesome feeling knowing you are always going to have somebody by your side, no matter what. 

So thank you, Jeff.  Thanks for being my rock.  I love you.

Let's Get This Party Started

Guess what today is?  Cycle Day 3!  I had my baseline ultrasound today and everything looked good, so I'm on track to start Clomid tonight.  I'll take that for 5 days, then Follistim for the following 2 days, and then go back for another ultrasound to see how things are developing and go from there.   

I won't lie and say I don't have any reservations about this.  Of course it feels good to be back to trying, and all the hope it brings.  At the same time trying again means the possiblity of getting pregnant again, which means the possiblity of another miscarriage.  As scary as it is to think about going through that a fourth time, I can't let that stop us from trying.  I have to push those thoughts and "what if's" aside and focus on the positive and what we're doing at this moment.  

We're doing things differently this time, and I can't help but feel good about that.  I feel like we're in great hands, and if we do suffer another loss, I know these people will be there to pick us right back up again.  They are on our side and won't give up on us.      

Yay :)

Happy Birthday To Me!

I'll let you all in on a little secret:  my birthday was over the weekend :)

I'm too old to get wild and crazy like I use to, but Jeff and I did try out a new restaurant for dinner.  We had the most amazing sushi.  This was Jeff's first real sushi experience, so I was a little nervous that he would hate it.  But he loved it!  I'm so proud of him for trying it, and so excited he liked it.  This restaurant was really neat too, I think it may be our new favorite place (there was a reason I put 'trying new things' on our bucket list).

For your viewing pleasure:

(it was so yummy I forgot to take a picture until after we started digging in)

Oh, and here's the kicker.  Guess who was sitting at the table next to us?  My old ob/gyn!  We all remember her right?  So, needless to say, that made my dinner a little less enjoyable.  But after one glass of wine I didn't think much more about it.  I'm not sure she even saw me or recognized me.  And if she did, she probably doesn't have a clue I've "broken up" with her.  Still, it made dinner a bit awkward.

Mmmmm....sushi.  My mouth is watering still thinking about it today......

I'm Ready

Before I get into talking about myself, I want to ask you all to take a moment to send some thoughts (and prayers if you're the praying type) to Maria and her husband.  They found out this week they are miscarrying for the 7th time.  My heart hurts for them.  I've never met her in person, but I can tell she has a very kind and compassionate soul, and it makes me so sad and angry that she has to go through this yet again.  I don't think I'll ever understand why this has to happen.....



Aside from that, here's where my head has been this week.

Monday I woke up to a temp rise and here were my thoughts. 

'Huh, I must have ovulated.  Yay for my body half-way cooperating.  <ensue panic>  Holy crap!  That means we'll be starting this rollercoaster all over again in just a couple weeks.  I'm not ready for this yet.  It's too soon.  I thought I'd have several more weeks before I had to start thinking about this stuff again.  What about my summer plans of enjoying ice cold beverages with Jeff?'

Then Tuesday morning I woke up and my temp had dropped back down to where it has been for the last month. 

'Damn you, stupid body for playing tricks on me.'    

I was in a horrible mood all day.  My shoulders and back were tense and I was just overall feeling very stressed. 

And then I realized something. 

This feeling I was experiencing was disappointment.

Which can only mean one thing.  I AM ready afterall. 

All it took was having that hope so quickly taken back away from me to realize how much I do truly want this.  Yes, it's a little bit scary.  But I'm excited for what our future holds.

And with that, my temp has gone back up and stayed up for the last 2 days now.  So who knows what's going on with my wonky body.  Time will only tell.  Until then, I'll do my best to be patient. 

Hopeful Optimism

I actually feel hopeful and optimistic for once. 

We had our follow-up appointment with the RE yesterday, and things could not have gone any better.  I had a SIS (saline infusion sonogram) done and my uterus looks perfect.  Our karyotyping came back normal on both of us.  So this puts our recurrent losses as unexplained, and likely just a random chromosome issue. 

So what's our plan from here?  Next cycle we are going to do Clomid again, but add in injectibles (Follitism) and a trigger.  The RE wants to try to increase the number of follicles/eggs, as a way to increase the odds of at least one of them being healthy and sticking around.  Ideally they want to see 2 mature follicle, and I'm going to be monitored very closely as they don't want to risk having high order multiples.  I'll also be on progesterone during the 2 week wait. 

I'm so happy, and excited about this plan.  All along I kept thinking in the back of my mind that injectibles were the next step I was hoping to take, but at the same time was also nervous about going there.  But after a quick training session on how to do the injections, it doesn't seem like it's going to be that big of a deal.  I'll be using the Follitism Pen, and the needle is way shorter than I anticipated.

I saw a different RE than I did last time, and I really liked this one a lot.  He explained things in a way that made sense, and I agree 100% with his approach.  His bedside manner was awesome.  I think with this clinic you never know who you're going to see, but I hope I get to work with this doctor a lot more - well, not too much more but you know what I mean ;) 

I'm so happy I made this move, as they are already doing so much more than my ob/gyn would have.  The words she said to me, "a RE wouldn't do anything differently than what I'm doing" still rings in my head.  Every time they ask me at this office if I want a copy of my records sent to my ob/gyn I always say no.  I'm not sure how to answer that because I still haven't decided if I'll eventually go back to her or not.

One thing I'm most excited about with this plan is ditching the BBT and OPKs.  I've always hated those stupid OPKs anyway, the damn things rarely gave me a positive.  Even though we're doing more as far as fertility treatments go, I feel there's going to be way less stress and pressure on my part.  I feel like all I have to do is show up for monitoring appointments, take the medications when they tell me to, have sex when they tell us to, and let them worry about the rest.  I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

One thing that was very strange for me yesterday was having the ultrasound done.  This was the same place I had to go to have the NT Scan done where we found out about our second loss.  It was the first ultrasound I've had where there was no baby to look at, only an empty ute.  Leading up to the ultrasound my nerves were a wreck with anticipation, as I'm use to bracing myself for the bad news of not seeing a heartbeat.  When I realized what I was doing and that I didn't have to worry about that this time, I almost had to laugh at myself for being so crazy.  

The RE did discuss using IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening for unexplained RPL.  (side note: he volunteered this information without me having to ask about it - what a novel idea!)  He said there are only a few clinics in the country that endorse this, and their particular clinic does not.  He explained the reasons why, reasons which I understand and respect.  If we still keep getting the same outcomes, however, this is something they will consider down the road. 
 
So for the first time in a long time I'm hopeful again.  I feel so great about this plan and already sense good things happening for us in the near future.  We'll get started as soon as my period shows it's face again, which with me who knows when that will be.  Surprisingly I'm okay with waiting for that to happen whenever it happens.  I'm looking forward to just enjoying the start of summer with Jeff over the next several weeks, sans fertility treatments.  I feel like our time will come eventually, and for once I'm patient enough to wait for it.       
 

I'm Back

Hi friends.  Just wanted to write a quick update that I'm back from my vacation (if you can call taking care of a 2-year-old and a 2-month-old a vacation, but more on that later).  I have lots to catch up on, both with work and the blogging world.  I promise I'll write more later, but wanted to let you know I'm alive and well. 

With that, I'll leave you with a photo of this sweet little face I got to stare at every day for the last 10 days:

She melted my heart with her smiles, and I miss her already ;(

Vacation Here I Come

Sort of.  It's not the sunny, tropical getaway with my husband that I'm longing for.  But I am getting away for a couple weeks.  And it is someplace warm and sunny.  Only it's with my mom. 

We're flying out this weekend to California to stay with my brother's wife and their two kids.  Why with them and not my brother you ask?  Because he's in the military and left for a 6 month deployment at the beginning of March....10 days after my little niece was born.  Yep, you heard me correctly.  They only got to spend 10 days together as a family of four before he had to head out ;( 

Since my SIL has been on maternity leave it hasn't been too big of a deal for them, but now she's back to work and needs some reinforcements to help with the kids, meals, cleaning, and walking their dog.  Her parents are there this week to help, and we'll be there for almost the next two, so hopefully by the time we leave they will all be back into a routine. 

So while I have visions of laying by the pool reading a book for the next two weeks, I'm sure the kiddos have completely different plans for us! 

As much as I'm looking forward to getting away for awhile (I'm loooong overdue for a break from life) I'm already homesick for Jeff (and I haven't even left yet).  This is the longest we'll have been away from each other since we started dating 6 years ago. 

So, I'm not sure how much I'll be around over the next couple weeks.  Obviously they have internet access (it's only California, not the stone age) but I'm not sure how much I'll log on.  But I will be thinking about you all and hopefully lurking, even if I'm not posting or commenting.  I do want to give two shout outs off the top of my head before I go:

Good luck to Alissa at MissConception on her FET next week! 

Good luck to Maria at Every Day Is A Country Song on her long-awaited IUI! 

Well Hello There Mr. RE

We had our appointment with the RE today.  It went well, although not too much was discussed in detail at this point.

- both of us had blood drawn for karyotyping (to check for choromosome abnormalities)
- he increased my Metformin dose from 500mg to 1500mg (I knew my ob/gyn didn't have the dose right)
- we go back in a month to get those results and discuss things further.  At that time I'll also have SIS (saline infusion sonogram) done to check for uterine abnormalities and possible scarring from the D&Cs.

So yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  We didn't really get any more answers today, but I didn't figure we would either.  I could tell he didn't want to get into the "what-ifs" until we get the results of those things, so therefore I didn't ask.  But I got the impression that he doesn't really see a reason why this is happening either.  I did ask him a little about egg quality.  He said egg quality does tend to be a little lower in women with PCOS but nobody really knows why, and this may or may not be a reason for miscarriage. 

Basically, to me it all sounds like a game of roulette.

Obviously I don't want anything major to be wrong with either one of us, but I'm already slightly discouraged that there likely isn't a reason for this.  As of now I have no idea what route we're going to take when it comes to TTC again.  Maybe he'll think more aggressive treatments will help, and maybe he won't.  Either way, I'm already dreading it...

Thank You Michelle

I rarely watch an episode of the Dug.gers, but after hearing that the season finale this week was going to be about their recent miscarriage, I felt compelled to watch.  So I recorded it, and finally worked up the courage to play it yesterday. 

And I have to say, I didn't shed as many tears as I thought I would.  Instead, the episode brought me so much peace within myself.  Yes, watching their ultrasound where they learned the horrific news that their baby no longer had a heartbeat was heart-wrenching.  It bought me back to all 3 of our ultrasounds where we found out the same news.  I felt like I was on that table with Michelle experiencing what she was experiencing right there with her.  (And I have to give her props for handling that moment with so much more grace than I ever have).

But the way she later spoke about her strong faith helped me to confirm what I already believed.  I have to say I've let my religion slip a little over the years.  Once I moved away from home, I haven't been able to find a church that I like, or one where I feel like I belong.  Even though I don't regularly attend church, however, I've never stopped believing in God.  Strangely our losses have made my faith stronger, while a lot of times people in these situations lose sight of it.  I've always believed we will be reuinted with our babies again someday.  So it brings me so much comfort that someone like Michelle, who has studied the bible way more than I have, believes the same thing. 

There is a lot of controversy out there over them choosing to make this time in their life public and air it on TV.  I'll admit I have differing opinions on them and their choices.  However, every time I do watch them, all I see is kindness, compassion, and love.  I think they are doing a great job in raising their children to be good, honest people who will be a positive contribution to society.    

What I don't understand is why people are okay with watching, say, some extravagant wedding of a Kar.dash.ian, whose marriage is only going to last .5 seconds, but they are not okay with someone sharing their real life experience of a miscarriage.  I'm sure the majority of those people who view it as wrong are those who haven't experienced it themselves.  The only reason they shy away from it, it because they don't want to face the reality that it could happen to them. 

So for that, I say thank you Michelle.  Thank you for having the courage to share your story.  I know it could not have been easy for you.  I could see that it wasn't easy for you.  I could see the pain in your eyes when you spoke to the camera.  Thank you for making those of us who have gone through a similar experience feel a little less alone.  Thank you for bringing the subject of miscarraige out into the open.  And thank you for teaching us more about your faith and reaffirming what I already knew to be true, but also find myself questioning at times.  

One More Thing

One more thing I forgot to put in yesterday's post (which is weird because it's the thing that most upsets me).  I also asked Dr. C if the tissue after every D&C was tested for chromosome issues.  She said it was not.  It was just looking for anything abnormal.  But, you know, if this happens again that can certainly be something we can get done if we'd like.

What??!!!

You mean this could have, and should have, been offered to us after every loss and it wasn't?!  I can understand maybe not having it done the first time, but it for sure should have been done after that.  Regardless, we should have been given that right to decide.

This was towards the end of my appointment (you know, when I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get the heck out of there) so I just let it go.  Not much I could do at that point anyway.

I went ahead and made the RE appointment (April 5th).  When I called my ob/gyn's office today to have them forward my records, here's how the conversation went:

Office:  Did Dr. C refer you there?
Me:  No.
Office:  Okaaaay.....so you didn't talk to her about this then?
Me.  I brought it up to her yesterday, but she didn't seem receptive to the idea, so I just made the appintment myself.

Are you freaking kidding me?  Stop acting like your office can dictate who goes where to see which doctor.  If I want to seek out another opinion elsewhere, that is my right as a patient.  You cannot tell me where I can and can't go.  Both Jeff and my dad made the comment last night that maybe I should just seek out a new ob/gyn regardless.  I'm starting to think maybe they are right.  The last two days with this office has left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Please God, let me get better service and care than this with the RE.  If I'm told at our first appointment that I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to, I don't know what I'll do.....

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments.  Just when I start to think I"m going bat sh!t crazy, your words remind me that I'm not.  It reminds me this is a big deal that should be taken seriously. 

Scared, But Moving On

I had my follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn this morning.  I was a nervous wreck going into it, as I was prepared to tell her I wanted to seek further testing and treatment with a RE.  I was worried about how she would react, but hopeful she would understand where I was coming from, and I even thought perhaps she would suggest this herself.  Just as I feared, when I suggested that maybe seeing a RE would be beneficial, she didn't take the bait. 

She doesn't think a RE would do anything differently than what she's doing.

She thinks seeing a RE would be beneficial if I wasn't ovulating, but since I respond to Clomid and don't have trouble getting pregnant, she doesn't think it would be necessary.

She's willing to do chromosomal analysis for Jeff and I, as well as a HSG.  However, she said if either of these things show something wrong, there's nothing that can be done about it anyway.  First, I don't believe that an issue with my uterus can't be fixed.  Most things can....right?  And yes I realize nothing can be done about our genetics.  However if, God forbid, blood tests show that either one of us has a chromosome issue, we'd much rather know about it now instead of going through this same cycle of getting pregnant and miscarrying over and over again.  Why would be put ourselves through that if we didn't have to?

She threw out other ideas of things to try:  Femera instead of Clomid, throwing baby aspirin in the mix even though I don't have clotting disorders.  She suggests these things but then stares at me like I'm suppose to be the one to decide what we do.  You're the doctor.  You need to tell me what do to.

As soon as I could see the conversation wasn't going to swing the way I wanted it to, I shut down.  I put up a wall, nodded my head, and said okay we'd think about it.  I wish I had the guts to just tell her we'll be going to a RE anyway, but by that point I didn't care.  I just wanted to get out of there so I could start crying (which you can bet I did as soon as I got to my car). 

I hate to bash my doctor, because up until she now she really has been great.  I've been through a lot with her in the 8 years I've been going to her.  I trust her.  I know it sounds stupid, but when I fantasize about having a baby, she's always been included in my fantasy as the one to deliver him/her.  So stepping away from her not only scares me, but also makes me sad.  I assume once I do achieve a successful pregnancy, I will be go back to her, but who knows where this new road is going to lead us in the future. 

I don't question her knowledge per say.  She is probably right for the most part, we may find she isn't doing anything different than a RE would do.  But what bothers me is she doesn't seem to be supportive of a second opinion.  She can't admit that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know it all.  And that maybe us seeing a specialist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

The other thing that has always bothered me, the thing I thought of while sitting in the room half naked for 35 minutes today waiting for her to see me, is I always feel like I'm not the priority in that office.  I feel like when I go there for a prenatal appointment, I get brought right back to the room, and I hardly have to wait for my doctor to come in.  But when I'm there for a Clomid check, or D&C follow-up appointment, I always have to wait a really long time.  It just makes me feel even that much more left behind.  Like the pregnant ladies are the important ones, and those who can't have a baby are on the bottom of the totem pole.  I'm ready to go to a doctor who's #1 priority all day every day is their patients' fertility.  Where we're all equally in first place instead of last.   

For some stupid, silly reason I wanted her blessing.  And I didn't get it.  And that upsets me.  But, I have to take this next step, with or without her blessing, because I know in my heart it's what is best for us. 

I'm so exhausted from the last year.  I feel like I have had to be my own advocate for so much.  I felt like I had to spend my time searching the internet to try and find an answer to our problems.  I'm just tired, and ready to put this in the hands of someone else.  I want to throw it all on a RE and tell him to take care of it.  Tell him to figure out what's wrong and what we need to do.  Have him make a plan for us.  Tell me what I need to do and where I need to be, and I'll do it.  I just can't think about it anymore...