When I found out I was pregnant again this time, I decided pretty quickly that we weren't going to tell ANYONE until we made it through the first trimester (or close to it). And by anyone, I mean our immediate families (since those are the only ones we've ever told early on before). It wasn't because I didn't want to have to un-tell, we've always received great support in those times. It was more for a variety of other reasons.
- I don't like getting everyone's hopes up, only to later disappoint them.
- I don't like everyone getting excited about it, when I'm still very unsure of how things are going to turn out.
- I don't like people asking me how I feel. At this point I'm trying to block out the fact that I'm even pregnant just to help keep me calm, and people constantly bringing attention to it isn't going to help.
- This last one is really stupid. I still dream of being able to make some grand announcement at 13 weeks that we are expecting. Yes, after 3 miscarriages I'm still holding on to the dream of that moment. I long for that moment so badly. It makes me so sad and angry that it has been ripped away from me 3 times now. For once, just once, I would love to be a "normal" person and do a cute announcement.
With that being said, I ended up spilling the beans to my mom this week. She had a doctor's appointment up here yesterday morning, and came up Tuesday night to spend the night at our place. We had spent last weekend with my parents (my sister-in-law was back in the state with my niece and nephew and we went to her parents' house to see them). We are going to spend this next weekend with my parents again (my dad's side is getting together). When I refuse a beer, it's pretty obvious what's going on so I figured after last weekend my parents had a pretty good suspicion I was knocked up. If I did the same thing again this weekend, it was going to be really obvious. I know some would say, let people think what they want but it doesn't mean you have to fess up. The problem is, I knew spending many hours of alone time with my mom was going to be really awkward if I didn't say anything. And, I hate lying to my mom. I've never been able to keep things from her (this is the girl who crawled into her parents' bed the morning after her first night of drinking in high school to beg her mom for anything - anything - to make the vomit and headache to go away).
So, I told her. And she said she already knew (how do mothers know these things?!).
I'm not sure how I feel about telling her. I enjoyed Jeff and I being the only ones to know and having our own little secret from the rest of the world. But, she's my mom and it's good to know I have one extra person to turn to for support if I have any freakout moments.
Speaking of, in an update to the spotting I wrote about Monday, it ended up stopping by Monday afternoon and I haven't had anything since. So hopefully it was nothing, and I'm honestly not too worried about it (which doesn't mean I still don't dread going to the bathroom for fear of what I'll find).