I'm thinking about taking a step back for a while from both blogging and some TTC message boards I hang out on. Since finding out I'm pregnant again, I've had my positive and negative days, although I'm trying very hard to have more positive ones than negative. This weekend my mom and Jeff kind of ganged up on me and told me I need to think more positive about this pregnancy, and they are right. Today driving in to work I was feeling pretty good. I was thinking to myself, there is no reason for this not to work out. Our first two losses were basically chalked up to bad luck, my RPL testing showed I have no autoimmune or blood clotting disorders that will affect anything, I actually ovulated close to a "normal" time this cycle, and I'm on progesterone supplements and Metformin. Basically, I feel like I have everything going for me this time around. So, based on that I was feeling positive.
Then I got to work and opened up my list of blogs I follow. There was an update from one who went in for her first OB appointment yesterday when she was 8w4d, and there was no heartbeat.
At my first appointment on the 21st I will be 8w4d. Needless to say, all kinds of horrible thoughts of the same thing happening to me flooded my mind. And that's when I decided I need to stay away from all this. Yes, I want to be here to support everyone I have come to know and care about, but for my own sanity and peace of mind I feel like I need to stay away for awhile, as seeing things like this does not put me an a good mental state.
So that is my stance today, although I'm sure I will still find myself lurking to keep up on everyone (I know it's going to be hard to stay away). Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to update with good news, and be in a better place emotionally to be ready for all this interwebz stuff again.
Sometimes we all need a break. Know that you'll still be prayed for though!
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing, first, don't let ANYONE tell you that you need to be more positive about your pregnancy, it's early and you have every right to be paranoid out of your mind. It's kind of a defense mechanism. Second, it DOES get easier. I don't know when you lost your other 2 but as you surpass milestones for the losses of the others you'll find some of the worry and anxiety finally releases it's grip and you'll gradually feel more comfortable and positive in your pregnancy. Today at 12 weeks I FINALLy am starting to feel my worry ease. I do not go through every day wondering if the baby is still alive like I was doing pretty much my entire pregnancy and that's because today is my last milestone I needed to surpass from my loss and I heard the heartbeat 2 days ago. I promise it does get easier, but it's not right away.
ReplyDeleteIt's totally understandable if you need to step away from the infertility blogs for awhile, I did the same thing. I found that after taking a 2 week break I needed to come back though, so I'm sure we'll be hearing from you again soon =)
Do what you need to do hon. You need to get to a healthy place and if that means stepping back for a bit, that's okay. Just know that we wish you the best and will be here when you feel stronger about this pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI've never commented here before, but I've been following your journey for awhile, since you started following mine. Although my heart is still incredibly heavy, I pray that your appointment has a different ending than mine. And, I hope that you are able to find some peace in this journey- whether it through taking a break from blogs or writing without posting. But, if you feel up to it, it would be great read your good news- it keeps the rest of us going and gives us hope for good news in our future.
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