I Caved....

...and bought a doppler. 

I've always had mixed feelings about home dopplers, and went back and forth a lot at the beginning of this pregnancy about whether or not I was going to get one.  Ultimately I decided not to, as I was afraid it would stress me out if I couldn't find a heartbeat. 

Well, that all changed this week.  For some reason I felt compelled to order one.  I started feeling like I needed something to reassure me during my occassional moments of panic in between appointments.  Up until now I've been able to have ultrasounds every couple weeks, which has helped keep me sane.  But now my appointments are going to start being every 4 weeks, and I started feeling like I just wouldn't be able to handle the wait.  So I ordered one, and it arrived yesterday. 

I had been tracking the shipping and knew that it was going to be waiting for me when I got home after work.  I was like a giddy school girl all day, just waiting for 4:00 to come.  I contemplated waiting until Jeff got home to try it, but I was like a kid with a new toy and couldn't stand seeing it sitting there in front of me and not play with it.  So I tried it, and it didn't take me long to find both heartbeats. 

For anyone considering getting a doppler, I highly recommend not trying it until after your doctor has used one on you.  I remembered where my OB had it placed when he found the heartbeats, so I immediately went to those same spots, and there they were!  The placement of the wand is so much lower on your belly than I would have thought - like, right at your pubic hair line to be blunt.  If I hadn't already seen it done by my doctor, I think I would have been searching up closer to my belly button, and then freaking out for not finding it.

We used it later last night after Jeff was home.  For some reason it took me a lot longer to find them the second time.  I don't think the doppler is measuring the correct heart rates though.  Maybe because they are still too small and the sound is too faint yet to get an accurate reading? 

I'm going to try and only use it once or twice a week for peace of mind.  I say that, but then I've already been getting excited today at the thought of checking again once I get home.  I'm afraid this may turn into a bad habit...
 

12/13 Week Update

All is well and quiet around here. 

We had our NT scan on Friday and it went well...I think.  I say that because we both kind of forgot to ask after the scan if everything was okay.  I assume the tech would have told us if something didn't look right.  From what little I know, the neck mesurement that popped up on the screen for Baby A appeared to be within normal limits (I think it was 1.6 and I've read anything under 3 is good).  She wasn't able to get a neck measurement on Baby B because of the way he/she was positioned. 

In all honestly, I really didn't care.  The only reason I chose to do this scan, was to have another ultrasound for reassurance that they were still there growing away, since my next OB appointment isn't until 16 weeks.  I know that's not what the purpose of this scan is for, but after having 3 losses I'll do anything I can to keep my sanity.

Most people wait until they are through their first trimester before they start announcing to the world they are expecting, and it's so hard to believe we're there now.  Our immediate families already know we are expecting, and I don't see any reason not to start telling our friends, coworkers, and extended family.  But it just seems so strange to think about actually saying the words out loud.  Maybe I'm afraid that sharing our news will all of a sudden jinx things.

Call us crazy, but we haven't told a soul we're expecting twins yet.  When we first found out we thought it would be fun to totally shock and surprise everyone around 20 weeks when we find out the genders.  After our scan Friday, I started to wane and thought maybe we should just tell people now.  But after Jeff and I discussed it more, we decided to wait.  I'm still not sure this is the right thing to do, but a part of me likes this being our own little secret (shared with blogging land of course!).  And we want to announce it in a fun way, which we haven't even come up with yet.  I hope our families don't get mad at us, and I hope we don't come across as trying to seek extra attention by essentially making two announcements.  But, I do love a good surprise.  And after having most pregnancy-related surprises stripped away from us simply because of miscarriages and infertility, this is our last great surprise we can hold onto. 

Without further ado, here's my 12 week bump photo from this weekend (which was actually taken at 13 weeks because I wanted to make sure we had a good scan first).

(Don't mind the hair, it was Sunday morning, give me a break!)

 

 







First OB Appt (11 weeks)

Yesterday was my first appointment with my new OB.  I had an almost-hour long appointment first with the nurse to go over my history, etc.  I think I made it pretty clear to her that I wasn't going to be walking out of there without some kind of confirmation that everything was still okay.  She said they usually won't even attempt to look for a heartbeat with the dopplar until 12 weeks, but at the same time understood my need for reassurance.

After waiting for a little while, the OB came in and we talked about my history and stuff for a few minutes.  Then he left so I could get undressed.  When he came back he immediately pulled out the dopplar and said he usually doesn't like to use it this early, as it might be very unlikely to hear a heartbeat at this point, but he would go ahead and give it a try for me.  He also said that he for sure wouldn't be able to tell if he was picking up two different heartbeats, or if it was the same one. 

So he gave it a try, and we immediately heard the fast 'thump, thump, thump' of a heartbeat!  He was only able to capture it for a few seconds before it disappeared.  He then moved it around and found a spot where my heartbeat was coming through, to show me the difference at how much slower mine was.  He then moved it around for what felt like 2 more minutes, and then found a heartbeat again (the second time was in a different spot than the first so I'm telling myself we picked it up from each one). 

I'm so relieved he gave the dopplar a try, and I'm happy the little ones pulled through for me to tell me they were still there. 

However....

While I anticipated walking out of there feeling awesome if I had a good appointment, instead I feel really indifferent about it all and I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's because I didn't actually see anything with my own eyes it's still hard to believe there are two babies in there growing away like they should.  Maybe it's because I know we still have many more hurdles and milestones to cross before I can let myself truly relax and get excited.  Or maybe it's because I keep expecting to receive bad news and when I don't, I simply don't know how to react...

My 10 Week Non-Update

I feel bad that I haven't written anything in awhile.  I think, like so many others, once I become pregnant I don't want to write or talk about it because I'm afraid I'll jinx something.  So I remain quiet and try to get through each day and week until my next appointment.  But....I thought since it's been a couple weeks I should say hello!

I call this my non-update because I really don't have much new to report.  I have my first OB appointment on Monday.  And this will be with a new OB, since I've kicked my old one to the curb.  The RE I met with last time had said even though I've had 3 losses, they have been early and wouldn't necessarily qualify me for needing to see a high risk OB.  However, when I went to make the appointment, the receptionist thought that, for that reason as well as the fact that I'm pregnant with twins, I should see a MFM and scheduled me with one anyway.  These are all within the same facility, and this girl normally works in OB but had been filling in at the RE's side that day, so I trusted she knew what she was doing.  Getting an appointment with a MFM without having to jump through any hurdles?  I'll take it!  She said he also sees regular OB patients too, so it shouldn't be an issue.  Don't most people with twins see a MFM at some point anyway?   

So yeah, I have no idea what to expect at this appointment.  I have an initial appointment at 8:00 with the nurse to go over my history, and then with the actual doctor at 9:00.  I don't want to tell them how to do their jobs, but I really want to tell the nurse to check for heartbeats first thing, otherwise there's no point in sitting through a 2-hour long appointment if there's no reason to.  Surely they won't let me leave without confirming heartbeats are still present, right?  And...will they be able to find them with a dopplar at 11 weeks, or will I need another u/s?  Like I said, I have no idea what to expect and the unknown scares me a little.  Oh, and I'm going to this appointment alone.  Ballsy of me?  Probably.  But it's getting hard for Jeff to miss so much work for these appointments, and I really want to put on my big girl pants and be able to handle whatever news comes my way by myself.    

But, I'm hopeful that there will be a reason to stick around for a long appointment.

I still feel like all my symptoms are hanging around.  I didn't want to take the time to find a symptom check-in template, so here's my makeshift one: 

Thirst
One of my first pregnancy symptoms has always been extreme thirst, and that hasn't faded with time like it has all the other times before.  I still wake up in the morning, or middle of the night, with extreme cotton mouth.  I have to guzzle water all day like it's going out of style, and it still doesn't feel like I get enough. 

Bathroom Trips
I'm still making regular visits to the bathroom to pee during the day, and waking in the middle of the night to go too.  Again, getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom never acoompanied my other pregnancies, so I feel like this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Nausea
The nausea seems to still be hanging around.  It's never been horrible, and never all day, but I do still experience it occasionally.  It seems like it disappears on the weekends, and reappears during weekdays.  I'm sure this can be attributed to the fact that I get to sleep way more on the weekends, and don't do much.  Needless to say, weekends have been the worst emotionally for me, because when I'm feeling good, I worry.

Fatigue
Fatigue is definitely something that's hit me hard (and again, never really had this with the other pregnancies).  I take a nap almost every day after work, and still have no problems sleeping at night.  Most days I feel like I could collapse on my desk and take a nap as well. 

Boobs
They're still big!  I can't say they have really been too sore, but they have definitely grown.  One thing I remember from the other 3 times, is my boobs would always "deflate" prior to us finding out the bad news.  It always worried me, but at the time I tried to tell myself that it was normal.  So thankfully this time they're still spilling out over my bra, which is very reassuring.

Bump
Still haven't seen this :(  But, from what I've read that's okay.  Even with twins it doesn't sound like most people have a prominant bump at 10 weeks anyway.  I definitely have a pouch, which gets bigger and smaller as the bloat comes and goes.  But nothing definite yet.  It's so hard to believe everything is okay when you can't physically see a sign of it yet.  But I keep reminding myself that this is normal, and there's plenty of time for me to turn into a house over the next 30 weeks or so :)

So, that's all I know for now.  I'll update you as soon as I can after my appointment Monday.  Please pray I get good news. 

2nd Ultrasound (8w4d)

I'm not gonna lie, I've been a tad bit nervous for the last week or so about our ultrasound today.  I was on a high for the first few days following our first u/s, and then the doubt and worry started to creep back in.  They mostly would creep in during my moments of feeling well (i.e. no nausea), which seems to happen more often lately. 

However, luckily the neausea kicked back in for a couple hours last night, and after feeling myself up for the 100th time I decided my boobs are way bigger than they have ever been.  So even though I was still nervous walking in today, I did have quite a bit of confidence that things were still trekking along like they should be. 

And today, the babes did not disappoint.

Babe A is measuring 8w5d with a heart rate of 180bpm and Babe B is measuring 8w6d with a heart rate of 177bpm.  And, they actually are starting to look like babies!  They have little tiny arm and leg buds, we could see their spines, and the dark spots on their heads are the brains forming. 

It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life.  Babe B was even showing off and wiggling around for us a little bit :) 

I know we still have many more milestones to reach before we bring these babies home safe and healthy.  But today I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I can actually let go of my fear and start enjoying this pregnancy and letting myself get excited. 

1st Ultrasound

I'll just cut right to it.  We saw TWO beautiful heartbeats at our ultrasound this morning!  Both are measuring right on track for 7 weeks, and both had a heartrate of 142 bpm (little stinkers are already acting exactly alike!).  She said the yolk sac was sacs were measuring good (I'm not sure why this matters, but she said it did).  I do have a small hematoma, which they said could cause some bleeding.  They said it's not big enough to be a cause for concern.  Maybe that explains the spotting I had last week? 

I, of course, immediately started crying when the tech told us the news.  I was so entranced staring at the screen, I didn't look at Jeff too much, but I could hear him sniffling beside me as well.  It was a beautiful moment :) 

Obviously, it's still early and we have a long way to go.  We've been to the the point of seeing a heartbeat twice before.  But I do feel like we did so much differently this cycle, and everything up to this point has been close to perfect that, for right now, I'm optimistic.  We're going to take this one appointment at a a time and try not to think too far ahead (but we all know how easy it is to daydream and let your mind wander). 

I have another ultrasound next Thursday and we'll go from there. 

Without further ado, meet our babies:

Spilling The Beans

When I found out I was pregnant again this time, I decided pretty quickly that we weren't going to tell ANYONE until we made it through the first trimester (or close to it).  And by anyone, I mean our immediate families (since those are the only ones we've ever told early on before).  It wasn't because I didn't want to have to un-tell, we've always received great support in those times.  It was more for a variety of other reasons.

- I don't like getting everyone's hopes up, only to later disappoint them.

- I don't like everyone getting excited about it, when I'm still very unsure of how things are going to turn out.

- I don't like people asking me how I feel.  At this point I'm trying to block out the fact that I'm even pregnant just to help keep me calm, and people constantly bringing attention to it isn't going to help.

- This last one is really stupid.  I still dream of being able to make some grand announcement at 13 weeks that we are expecting.  Yes, after 3 miscarriages I'm still holding on to the dream of that moment.  I long for that moment so badly.  It makes me so sad and angry that it has been ripped away from me 3 times now.  For once, just once, I would love to be a "normal" person and do a cute announcement. 

With that being said, I ended up spilling the beans to my mom this week.  She had a doctor's appointment up here yesterday morning, and came up Tuesday night to spend the night at our place.  We had spent last weekend with my parents (my sister-in-law was back in the state with my niece and nephew and we went to her parents' house to see them).  We are going to spend this next weekend with my parents again (my dad's side is getting together).  When I refuse a beer, it's pretty obvious what's going on so I figured after last weekend my parents had a pretty good suspicion I was knocked up.  If I did the same thing again this weekend, it was going to be really obvious.  I know some would say, let people think what they want but it doesn't mean you have to fess up.  The problem is, I knew spending many hours of alone time with my mom was going to be really awkward if I didn't say anything.  And, I hate lying to my mom.  I've never been able to keep things from her (this is the girl who crawled into her parents' bed the morning after her first night of drinking in high school to beg her mom for anything - anything - to make the vomit and headache to go away). 

So, I told her.  And she said she already knew (how do mothers know these things?!). 

I'm not sure how I feel about telling her.  I enjoyed Jeff and I being the only ones to know and having our own little secret from the rest of the world.  But, she's my mom and it's good to know I have one extra person to turn to for support if I have any freakout moments.     

Speaking of, in an update to the spotting I wrote about Monday, it ended up stopping by Monday afternoon and I haven't had anything since.  So hopefully it was nothing, and I'm honestly not too worried about it (which doesn't mean I still don't dread going to the bathroom for fear of what I'll find).