Can I just say there have been some very, very eerie reminders lately of my first pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant this time pretty much around the same time I found out the first time I was pregnant. So needless to say, being pregnant again at the same time this year stirs up some raw emotion in me - which is caused by the most random, stupidest things.
For example, Saturday afternoon Jeff and I were being total bums laying around watching TV and napping. The doorbell rang and my first thought was, "awe man, who is that going to be? I'm trying to nap here!" When I opened the door there was a little Girl Scout standing there selling cookies (woot! woot!). After I got my cookies (by the way, I'm loving this direct sale stuff this year) and shut the door, it hit me. I remembered last year on a Saturday morning shortly after I found out I was pregnant, sleeping on the couch while Jeff was at work, and a neighbor girl ringing the bell to take my cookie order.
And, speaking of these awesome cookies some more, one of my high school classmates posted on Face.book that his daughter was selling cookies again this year and to let him know if anyone wanted some. I had ordered from them last year, and he stopped by the afternoon of my D&C to drop them off (we had already made plans for him to stop by before we found out about the miscarriage, and what was I suppose to do? Call him up and say, oh I had my baby sucked out of me this morning, can you stop by another time? No, I sucked it up and still had him come - and I needed a box of Cararmal de lites to make me feel better anyway).
So, while I love Girl Scout cookie time and all their wonderful ooey-gooeyness, it brings up some bad memories for me.
Secondly, we got our taxes done last night (woot! woot! for a big return this year). We got our taxes done on Valentine's Day last year. I had just hit 8 weeks that day and remember coming home afterwards and taking our first belly shot. So, while I'm happy we can now afford to buy that pillow top king-size bed I've been dreaming about, getting our taxes done brings back a bad reminder of what should have been.
T-minus 1 week until my first appointment. Thank goodness I'm busy at work and the days are going by fast.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
7 Weeks
This is the start of week 7 (according to my calculations anyway). In the past, week 7 has always been when things seem to fall apart, unbeknownst to us. With the first pregnancy we found at at almost 10 weeks that the baby was only measuring 7w6d. With the second pregnancy, we found out at 12 weeks that the baby was only measuring 7w4d. So, entering the 7th week is obviously a little nerve-wracking this time around. But, I'm trying to stay positive. Regardless, it's hard to not constantly wonder what is going on in there now that we've reached this point.
In other news, I came *this* close to completing one of my Bucket List items this weekend. Last week I signed up to take a CPR class through the Red Cross. It was suppose to be tomorrow, but I received notice yesterday that the class has been cancelled. I'm disappointed. It took a lot of nerve for me to actually sign up, so it's a bit of a let-down. It doesn't look like another one is going to be offered in my area for at least the next couple months (unless I want to travel 20 miles and go at night, which I really don't want to do). I feel like CPR is something I should probably know how to do. I really want to learn it before we have kids in case, God forbid, something would ever happen. Hopefully I'll still have a chance to get this done before September. If not, I was watching a talk show the other day and they touched on CPR. They said if you aren't sure how fast to do chest compressions, simply sing the song "Stayin' Alive" to yourself, and do the compressions to the beat. Makes sense to me!
In other news, I came *this* close to completing one of my Bucket List items this weekend. Last week I signed up to take a CPR class through the Red Cross. It was suppose to be tomorrow, but I received notice yesterday that the class has been cancelled. I'm disappointed. It took a lot of nerve for me to actually sign up, so it's a bit of a let-down. It doesn't look like another one is going to be offered in my area for at least the next couple months (unless I want to travel 20 miles and go at night, which I really don't want to do). I feel like CPR is something I should probably know how to do. I really want to learn it before we have kids in case, God forbid, something would ever happen. Hopefully I'll still have a chance to get this done before September. If not, I was watching a talk show the other day and they touched on CPR. They said if you aren't sure how fast to do chest compressions, simply sing the song "Stayin' Alive" to yourself, and do the compressions to the beat. Makes sense to me!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I Apologize
Dear Rachel:
I owe you an apology. I've had tears in my eyes ever since I read your comment this afternoon.
When I read about your second loss at 8w4d last week, I panicked. I read about someone else going through the exact thing I've been fearing will happen to me since I scheduled my first OB appointment, and I just wanted to run away from it. I now realize how childish, hurtful, and selfish I was, and I'm so sorry for that.
Since losing our two angels, I've searched high and low for a reason why this has happened to me. The only thing I've been able to come up with is that it's made me a more compassionate person. That it's enabled me to be able to help others who are going through the same things I am. I reached out to two other people (in real life) this year who have also had miscarriages, and I know in my heart that I helped them in some way. Sadly, after how I reacted to your most recent loss, I feel as though I'm back to square one and haven't learned anything from this afterall.
Instead of mentioning "some blogger who lost her baby at 8w4d" and writing about how I can't handle reading things like that, I should have told you how sorry I was. I should have asked fellow bloggers to keep you and your husband in their thoughts and prayers. I should have told you that I, too, know what it's like to lose two babies and understand what a horrible feeling it is.
With my losses, there have been people in my life who have done exactly what I did to you. Ran away. I'd tell them about my loss, and they would literally run away because they wanted to continue to live in their happy, carefree bubble where nothing bad happens. And it hurt. I realize that's exactly the same kind of person I have become with this pregnancy. I don't want to hear about the bad stories anymore. I want to live in my safe bubble and only hear about the stories with positive outcomes so that I can have hope. But living in my bubble is not fair to you, or anyone else. Life is not perfect. It's moments like that where we need to be human, and tell each other we are here for one another. That we're in this together.
I debated about whether or not to make this apology public, and decided blogging about infertility and miscarriages is about being open, honest, and keeping it real. And, therefore I wanted to tell you, publicy, that I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me, although I certainly understand if you don't or can't right now. I am so sorry for your losses, and I will say an extra prayer for you tonight that someday, soon, you will have your takehome baby.
Jenny
I owe you an apology. I've had tears in my eyes ever since I read your comment this afternoon.
When I read about your second loss at 8w4d last week, I panicked. I read about someone else going through the exact thing I've been fearing will happen to me since I scheduled my first OB appointment, and I just wanted to run away from it. I now realize how childish, hurtful, and selfish I was, and I'm so sorry for that.
Since losing our two angels, I've searched high and low for a reason why this has happened to me. The only thing I've been able to come up with is that it's made me a more compassionate person. That it's enabled me to be able to help others who are going through the same things I am. I reached out to two other people (in real life) this year who have also had miscarriages, and I know in my heart that I helped them in some way. Sadly, after how I reacted to your most recent loss, I feel as though I'm back to square one and haven't learned anything from this afterall.
Instead of mentioning "some blogger who lost her baby at 8w4d" and writing about how I can't handle reading things like that, I should have told you how sorry I was. I should have asked fellow bloggers to keep you and your husband in their thoughts and prayers. I should have told you that I, too, know what it's like to lose two babies and understand what a horrible feeling it is.
With my losses, there have been people in my life who have done exactly what I did to you. Ran away. I'd tell them about my loss, and they would literally run away because they wanted to continue to live in their happy, carefree bubble where nothing bad happens. And it hurt. I realize that's exactly the same kind of person I have become with this pregnancy. I don't want to hear about the bad stories anymore. I want to live in my safe bubble and only hear about the stories with positive outcomes so that I can have hope. But living in my bubble is not fair to you, or anyone else. Life is not perfect. It's moments like that where we need to be human, and tell each other we are here for one another. That we're in this together.
I debated about whether or not to make this apology public, and decided blogging about infertility and miscarriages is about being open, honest, and keeping it real. And, therefore I wanted to tell you, publicy, that I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me, although I certainly understand if you don't or can't right now. I am so sorry for your losses, and I will say an extra prayer for you tonight that someday, soon, you will have your takehome baby.
Jenny
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Stepping Back
I'm thinking about taking a step back for a while from both blogging and some TTC message boards I hang out on. Since finding out I'm pregnant again, I've had my positive and negative days, although I'm trying very hard to have more positive ones than negative. This weekend my mom and Jeff kind of ganged up on me and told me I need to think more positive about this pregnancy, and they are right. Today driving in to work I was feeling pretty good. I was thinking to myself, there is no reason for this not to work out. Our first two losses were basically chalked up to bad luck, my RPL testing showed I have no autoimmune or blood clotting disorders that will affect anything, I actually ovulated close to a "normal" time this cycle, and I'm on progesterone supplements and Metformin. Basically, I feel like I have everything going for me this time around. So, based on that I was feeling positive.
Then I got to work and opened up my list of blogs I follow. There was an update from one who went in for her first OB appointment yesterday when she was 8w4d, and there was no heartbeat.
At my first appointment on the 21st I will be 8w4d. Needless to say, all kinds of horrible thoughts of the same thing happening to me flooded my mind. And that's when I decided I need to stay away from all this. Yes, I want to be here to support everyone I have come to know and care about, but for my own sanity and peace of mind I feel like I need to stay away for awhile, as seeing things like this does not put me an a good mental state.
So that is my stance today, although I'm sure I will still find myself lurking to keep up on everyone (I know it's going to be hard to stay away). Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to update with good news, and be in a better place emotionally to be ready for all this interwebz stuff again.
Then I got to work and opened up my list of blogs I follow. There was an update from one who went in for her first OB appointment yesterday when she was 8w4d, and there was no heartbeat.
At my first appointment on the 21st I will be 8w4d. Needless to say, all kinds of horrible thoughts of the same thing happening to me flooded my mind. And that's when I decided I need to stay away from all this. Yes, I want to be here to support everyone I have come to know and care about, but for my own sanity and peace of mind I feel like I need to stay away for awhile, as seeing things like this does not put me an a good mental state.
So that is my stance today, although I'm sure I will still find myself lurking to keep up on everyone (I know it's going to be hard to stay away). Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to update with good news, and be in a better place emotionally to be ready for all this interwebz stuff again.
Friday, January 27, 2012
It Still Hurts!
I'm not gonna lie folks, pregnancy announcements still hurt. Even though I'm currently pregnant, and am actually fairly optimistic about this pregnancy, it still cuts right through my heart when I hear a pregnancy announcement from a friend.
I went out to lunch today with one of Jeff's friends (ok, they are my friends too now that we're married but you know how it is - he and Jeff were friends before Jeff and I started dating). We work in the same building so we met up for lunch. During our conversation, he told me they are expecting #2. She told me last fall they were going to start trying so I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but I guess I wasn't the least bit prepared to hear that news today - from him. It's put me in a funk for the rest of the afternoon.
My first reaction was to say "Oh yay, we're expecting too!" And then I remembered - I don't have that luxury of telling others early on that we're expecting, because there's no way to know how this is going to turn out and I can't get excited about it yet. So I kept my mouth shut. I immediately fast forwarded to July 1st (her due date) and thought of how I could very easily not be pregnant when their little one arrives, and already mentally started bracing myself for that. How sick and twisted is that? Unfortunately, that's how the mind of a recurrent miscarrier and infertile thinks. It's messed up. I've seen others write about how an infertile's mind never stops thinking like an infertile - even if they go on to have healthy babies, but today was really the first time I experienced that firsthand. It's so hard to explain how it feels to be pregnant, but be so insanely jealous of others who are also pregnant at the same time.
This couple's little girl was born at 24 weeks and, by many miracles and prayers, survived and is a happy and healthy 3 year old today. So believe me, if anyone else out there deserves a happy and healthy pregnancy it's them. I do wish them nothing but the best....but damn, my heart still hurts!
I went out to lunch today with one of Jeff's friends (ok, they are my friends too now that we're married but you know how it is - he and Jeff were friends before Jeff and I started dating). We work in the same building so we met up for lunch. During our conversation, he told me they are expecting #2. She told me last fall they were going to start trying so I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but I guess I wasn't the least bit prepared to hear that news today - from him. It's put me in a funk for the rest of the afternoon.
My first reaction was to say "Oh yay, we're expecting too!" And then I remembered - I don't have that luxury of telling others early on that we're expecting, because there's no way to know how this is going to turn out and I can't get excited about it yet. So I kept my mouth shut. I immediately fast forwarded to July 1st (her due date) and thought of how I could very easily not be pregnant when their little one arrives, and already mentally started bracing myself for that. How sick and twisted is that? Unfortunately, that's how the mind of a recurrent miscarrier and infertile thinks. It's messed up. I've seen others write about how an infertile's mind never stops thinking like an infertile - even if they go on to have healthy babies, but today was really the first time I experienced that firsthand. It's so hard to explain how it feels to be pregnant, but be so insanely jealous of others who are also pregnant at the same time.
This couple's little girl was born at 24 weeks and, by many miracles and prayers, survived and is a happy and healthy 3 year old today. So believe me, if anyone else out there deserves a happy and healthy pregnancy it's them. I do wish them nothing but the best....but damn, my heart still hurts!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I Was Wrong
This morning when I peed on a stick, two pink lines appeared. I couldn't believe it, and I still am a little shocked. My first reaction was to freak out (naturally) and start crying, thinking about all the bad ways this pregnancy could end. I really don't think I can handle a third miscarriage. Poor confused Jeff asked why I was crying and said "But I thought we wanted to get pregnant?" He told me I need to think positive. He's always the optimist.
So, now I need to start the progesterone suppositories. I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor's office to get this filled and get some more instructions on how to use them. I guess one reason I'm super paranoid about the outcome of this pregnancy is because my doctor just called me late yesterday to let me know my progesterone results from last week. It was 11.5 (at 6dpo). For those of you who aren't familiar with this, they want to see it over a 10 on a nonmedicated cycle, and over 15 on a medicated cycle. So, that number basically confirmed I did ovulate, but the number wasn't as high as they want to see. So now I feel panicked to start the progesterone ASAP (I called them 2 hours ago and no call back yet - grrrr!).
I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, but need some time to gather them. If anyone has used progesterone (vaginal) suppositories, and has any suggestions/advice, I'll gladly take it.
So, now I need to start the progesterone suppositories. I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor's office to get this filled and get some more instructions on how to use them. I guess one reason I'm super paranoid about the outcome of this pregnancy is because my doctor just called me late yesterday to let me know my progesterone results from last week. It was 11.5 (at 6dpo). For those of you who aren't familiar with this, they want to see it over a 10 on a nonmedicated cycle, and over 15 on a medicated cycle. So, that number basically confirmed I did ovulate, but the number wasn't as high as they want to see. So now I feel panicked to start the progesterone ASAP (I called them 2 hours ago and no call back yet - grrrr!).
I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, but need some time to gather them. If anyone has used progesterone (vaginal) suppositories, and has any suggestions/advice, I'll gladly take it.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Testing Tomorrow...
I'm planning on testing tomorrow (I'll be 12dpo) but I have a really strong feeling it's going to be negative. The two times I've been pregnant I had an intuition leading up to testing that I was pregnant (I got a BFP at 11dpo both times). This time, my intuition tells me I'm not. And I'm lacking the one and only symptom I had those times before: extreme thirst. I know it sounds silly, but that's how I knew I was pregnant both times before - I was extremely thirsty for a couple days before I tested. Right now I could care less if my water glass is empty.
I'm trying to brace for the lack of second line, but I know it's going to hurt. I feel like we really made an effort this cycle and had really good timing, and I'm afraid it's all been for nothing and we'll have to do it all over again in a couple weeks. I realize this is only our second cycle of trying again, but as each cycle goes by with a BFN, I get more and more scared that this might not ever happen again for us, or the means to get pregnant again might be a little more involved than simply popping 5 Clomid pills each cycle.
I guess it's out of my control. Part of me feels so strongly that I'm not pregnant that I don't want to even bother wasting a test. But....I have to start progesterone suppositories as soon as I get a BFP, so I hate to wait to test and put off starting the progesterone that much longer. So, either way I feel forced to test. If it's negative, at least I can start mentally moving on from this cycle that much sooner.
I'm trying to brace for the lack of second line, but I know it's going to hurt. I feel like we really made an effort this cycle and had really good timing, and I'm afraid it's all been for nothing and we'll have to do it all over again in a couple weeks. I realize this is only our second cycle of trying again, but as each cycle goes by with a BFN, I get more and more scared that this might not ever happen again for us, or the means to get pregnant again might be a little more involved than simply popping 5 Clomid pills each cycle.
I guess it's out of my control. Part of me feels so strongly that I'm not pregnant that I don't want to even bother wasting a test. But....I have to start progesterone suppositories as soon as I get a BFP, so I hate to wait to test and put off starting the progesterone that much longer. So, either way I feel forced to test. If it's negative, at least I can start mentally moving on from this cycle that much sooner.
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