Too Much to Ask For?

I'll just start this post off by saying I'm a little mad.  This is basically going to be nothing but a vent. 

We have season tickets for our college football team, and every home game we tailgate with a few friends.  The first home game this year I was just 8 weeks pregnant, but we decided to throw caution to the wind and go ahead and tell them we were expecting.  And besides, I'm a bit of a lush and we knew it was going to be obvious anyway the second I refused a beer.  So naturally, get a few women together, and the first two games it was all baby talk.  How were we going to decorate the nursery?  Were we going to find out the gender?  Did we have any names picked out yet?

And then I miscarried.

This Saturday was the first game since the miscarriage.  We made sure our friends had known about the miscarriage ahead of time so there wouldn't be the awkward - "where's your baby bump?" moment.  One of the girls had called me this week to see how I was doing, and asked me about it again when we first met up (before the other couple had arrived yet).  Then our other friends showed up.  And the wife did not awknowledge the miscarriage at all.  I did not get one simple "I'm sorry" out of her. 

As the morning went on, I kept waiting for her to say something, and my blood pressure continued to rise with every minute that passed with her not saying anything.  When we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, I instantly started venting to Jeff.  All he could say was "well, some people just don't know what to say in situations like that."

Really?

Is that really an acceptable excuse?  Is it really okay for a 30-something year old woman (who has a child herself and should be able to guess what the pain of losing a child would feel like) to just not say anything to another woman who experienced a loss?  I understand it's an uncomfortable situation, but in my opinion that is not a good enough excuse to not say anything.  Those of us who have lost do no expect much.  We don't expect flowers, cards, gifts.  All we ask is for an "I'm sorry."  A simple acknowledgement of a life that was lost.  Is that really too much to ask?

I'm sure many of you have experienced the same thing, and I would love to hear your experiences and how you dealt with them. 

Welcome ICLWers!

Hello fellow bloggers!  I've only participated on ICLW once, and it was several months ago, so excuse me if I'm a little rusty.  After our second loss I felt compelled to participate again and try to reach out to others that may be going through the same things I am. 

A quick background:  I'm 30 and my husband is 37.  We have been together for over 5 years, and married for 2.  We started TTC a year and a half ago, and a handful of fertility drugs and two miscarriages later, we are right back to where we started.  I always suspected I would have some trouble conceiving, but never in a million years dreamed it would take this long, or that we would face not one, but two, losses. 

Where we stand today:  our second loss was just a couple weeks ago.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in two weeks and at that time we'll be discussing in more detail having testing done for RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss). 

I look forward to "meeting" some new people and following your journeys!

Doing Well

I have to say I'm doing suprisingly well.  I almost feel guilty for admitting that.  For some reason this loss hasn't hit me as hard as the first one.  Maybe it's because I've been through it before and know what to expect?  Maybe it's because I was half-way bracing myself for this outcome throughout this whole pregnancy?  Maybe it's because I simply hate feeling sad and depressed, and have therefore refused to let myself feel that way?  Maybe it's because it's been confirmed twice now that we can get pregnant, and after the first loss I was worried it would be the one and only time we would even get pregnant? Whatever the reasons may be, I'm just grateful that I have been able to stay so strong about this. 

I went back to work today.  I ended up taking all of last week off, which, miscarriage or not, was a much needed break.  I made the mistake of going back to work 2 days after my D&C the first time, and cried the entire day.  I think being thrown back into the real world so quickly was way too hard for me, and so with this loss I decided to give myself that time and slowly ease back into the world.  It feels good to be back though.  It's nice to get back into a routine and have life feel normal again.

One thing I do know is I will not let infertility and pregnancy loss beat me.  I'm ready to fight this battle, no matter how long it takes and how hard I have to fight.  Bring it on suckers, because I will not let you win.  You can beat me down all you want, but I'm just going to get up that much stronger each time, ready to fight that much harder.

Goodbye Again

This week we had to say goodbye again.  We've lost yet another baby.  We went in for our NT Scan yesterday, and discovered there was no heartbeat.  The baby was only measuring 7w6d, and I was suppose to be 12w.  I was devastated, and started bawling right then and there.  I couldn't believe my worst nightmare was coming true right before my very eyes.  What was suppose to be a fun, exciting appointment where we were going to watch our little one and get some great photos to take home turned into one of the worst days of my life. 

My doctor was on call and was, thankfully, able to still call me last night around 5:30.  I told her I wanted a D&C again, and she agreed that would be the best thing to do.  She was able to get it scheduled for this morning.  In that respect, I'm just thankful for the quick response and that we were able to start putting this behind us sooner rather than later.

As of tonight, I'm doing okay.  I think somehow I'm more accepting of it this time, or maybe I'm just still numb from it all.  I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things about both miscarriages that bothers me a lot, is the fact that my body takes so long to recognize it.  I've been walking around for the last 4 weeks thinking all was well, and it wasn't.  My boobs were still sore and big, I was still pretty exhausted on a daily basis, and I was even starting to get a little bump. 

Where do we go from here?  My doctor said they normally don't do testing until you've had 3 miscarriages, but said she completely understands if we're ready to take that next step now.  As soon as Jeff and I found out yesterday we already had decided we wanted testing before moving forward.  So after my levels drop back to zero, we'll do that testing.  Then, assuming nothing is found with that, next pregnancy I'll be on progesterone suppositories up until about 12 weeks.  She said that low progesterone could be what's causing this, but of course now there is no way to know for sure now.  She also said the supplements might not help anything, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try them.  So, all things considered, I'm glad we at least have a plan in place moving forward.

I'm going to spend the next few months working on improving myself.  I'm not happy at all with the weight I've let myself creep back up to.  So I plan on making some changes with my diet and exercise and just spend this time focusing on getting healthier, which certainly can't hurt if/when I get pregnant again.

I still can't believe all these labels I now find myself in.  Infertile.  Recurrent miscarriage.  Ugh, when will it finally be our turn to get what we want and be happy??

All Ours!

Several months ago I was watching an episode of Teen Mom (sorry, I'm embarrassed to say it's one of my guilty pleasures) and there was a scene where the teen mom brought her baby home from the hospital.  They got home, sat down, and she looked to her mom and said "What should I do with him now?"  And her mom responded, "You can do whatever you want with him - he's all yours!"  I just remember thinking that was a really neat thought and a neat way of looking at having a new baby.  Now that I'm pregnant, I have found myself thinking that same thing a lot.

For example, we have the NT scan next Monday, and then another OB appointment on Wednesday.  I keep thinking if all goes well, it would be fun for Jeff and I to celebrate by going shopping and purchasing our first item for the baby.  And then I find myself stopping and saying to myself, "But wait, are we allowed to do that?  Is it okay for us to start buying stuff for the baby now, or is it still too early?"  And then I think back to that Teen Mom episode and remind myself, it's our baby, we can do whatever we want!

And the same thing goes for the baby's room.  I keep thinking that after we find out the gender we will start decorating the baby's room.  And then I stop and think, "Well maybe starting that at 20 weeks is too soon?  It it stupid to start decorating that early?  Maybe we should wait until after the first of the year, is that a more appropriate time to start that?"  And then I remember, it's our baby, we can do whatever we want!

I don't know, it's just a really strange feeling.  Thinking about these things seems to put it all in perspective.  We are going to be parents to this child, and everything regarding the care of him/her is going to be our responsiblity.  And as scary as that thought is sometimes, it's also a great feeling to know that we are going to be able to care for him/her however we feel best.  We are going to be able to do whatever fun things we've alway dreamed about doing with him/her.  And why?  Because he/she will be all ours!

Update on NT Scan

I guess I ended up creating a lot of unnecessary drama last week over our scheduled NT scan.  It turns out Jeff won't be able to get off work next week, so we ended up rescheduling for the following week.  It will now be October 3rd.  I feel much better about this.  Not so much because of what the date of 9/26 means for us, but mostly because I would have been 11w0d on the 26th, which I thought seemed a bit early to do the scan.  Now I'll be 12w0d.  I can't wait to see our little one again!

Double Digits

I'm 10 weeks pregnant today.  This is a huge milestone for me, as we found out about the miscarriage at 9w6d last time.  As each day and week passes, I start to feel a little more confident that this will be our takehome baby.  Our next prenatal appointment isn't for a couple more weeks, but our NT scan is a week from today. 

At first I really didn't want to do the screening.  Mostly because I just didn't want to face any decisions that could come our way depending on the results, and mostly because I'm almost certain I wouldn't terminate based on results of possible further diagnostic testing.  However, Jeff was all for the screening.  He's pretty confident that everything will be fine and just wants that peace of mind.  And if something does come up, he'd rather be able to prepare sooner rather than later.  So, mostly for the sake of Jeff, I agreed to do the screening. 

I had to call my ob/gyn's office last week to get the appointment set up.  It needs to be done at another facility, and the nurse said she had to fax some information over and they would then let her know when the appointment would be, and she would call me back and let me know.  When she called back and told me it's scheduled for 9/26, my heart stopped.  9/26 is Jeff and I's wedding anniversary.  9/26 also would have been our due date if our little one before hadn't left us so soon.  I feel like our anniversary will forever be tainted by our loss, and I really don't want to add one more negative thing to it.  However, after expelling my panic attack on the message board I regularly post on, the ladies there gave me so much encouragement.  One awesome lady in particular said it was our angel baby's way of being a part it and looking out for his/her brother or sister.  I still cry as I type those words.  

So, I'm stepping outside of my box and being positive for once.  I really do feel in my heart like everything is fine, and will continue to be fine, and I just need to hold onto that.