Surviving

I have one word to sum up this weekend:  Sad.  I was pretty miserable doing nothing but sitting around the house all weekend crying, but at the same time I wanted to do nothing else but that.  If I would have let myself, I think I could have cried for hours and hours and still had tears left.  The tears and sobbing would just come out of nowhere and it took all I had to make myself stop.  I found myself getting frustrated with Jeff for not doing something to make me feel better.  And then I would feel guilty for getting upset with him because I knew I was in a place where nothing anybody did or said would make me feel better anyway. 

I know the majority of this is from my hormones being completely messed up right now, and I will feel better with time, but I sure wish this feeling would hurry up and pass quickly.  I have so many thoughts circling in my head right now, that it seems bullets are appropriate to lay it all out there. 

• What happens if we can't ever have children?  Can we be happy with it being just the two of us?  If we don't ever have kids, what will we do to fill the weeks, months, years to feel like we're still living a full life?  As the years go by will we start to be resentful towards each other?  I know it sounds cliche, but it's true that these losses have brought us so much closer.  Right now I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever.  But will it always be that way if we keep getting hit repeatedly with these hard blows? 

• As much as I'm hurting for myself, I'm hurting even more for Jeff.  He would be the best daddy and it kills me that I can't give him that. 

• 2011 was such a horrible year and I had so much hope for 2012.  Now, as quickly as the year started, all hope for a 2012 baby is already gone. In fact, the likelihood of us having a baby even a year from now is pretty slim.  I'm already dreading the holidays this year, it will be our 3rd Christmas since TTC where we're empty-handed.

• I'm anxious to meet with a RE and hopefully starting testing and getting some answers.  At the same time I'm not.  I don't have the strength for it yet. 

• As much as part of me wants to hurry up and try again, a bigger part of me does not.  I'm scared to death of being pregnant again and having this all taken away a 4th time.  I'm not sure how many more times I can go through this, and not having any kind of guarantee that the next pregnancy will be viable scares the crap out of me.

 

Just What The Doctor Ordered

I think I found the perfect Rx for getting through the heartache of miscarriage:  spending time with my mama.

My mom was in town yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and prior to all this, we had plans to go out to lunch and spend the afternoon together.  After finding out about this miscarriage, I was a little hesitant to go through with our afternoon plans, as I was afraid I would be bawling my eyes out the entire time and walking around in a depressed haze.  But I decided to follow through - and I'm so glad I did.

Not only did she let me cry on her shoulder when we first saw each other, but she also gave me the encouragment I needed to stand up for myself and seek out a second opinion and demand more extensive testing.  Taking me out for lunch, some retail therapy, and a Shamrock Shake didn't hurt either. 

And you know what else I did yesterday?  I laughed.  A lot.  My mom and I have always had a really great relationship, but it's been awhile since I've been able I really had a fun time with my mom.  So like I said, it was exactly what I needed.  I'm so grateful to still have my mom in my life, as I know so many others who have lost parents early in life.  I'm so thankful I have a mom who has always been open and honest with me - about anything.  I know she'll be there for me no matter what. 

So thanks mom, I love ya.    

And I also want to thank every one of you who have commented in the last couple days.  I'm amazed at the outpouring of support I have received from so many.  I'm so thankful for this community, even though I hate there are so many of us who struggle with infertility and pregnancy & baby loss.  I intend on checking out each and every one of your blogs and learning your stories also over the weekend.  I look forward to supporting all of you in the future the way you have supported me this week. 

Goodbye Angel #3

We didn't get good news at our appointment today.  There was no heartbeat and it was measuring 2 weeks behind.  I'm devastated.  I'm not ready to give up this fight yet, but I really don't know how much more I can take. 

My doctor feels like we're doing everything possible, and there's just no explanation for it.  After 3 losses I'm starting to find that to be a pretty tough pill to swallow.  I feel like I need  more answers than what we've gotten so far.  She said we can do chromosonal testing on both Jeff and I to see if there are any issues there.  However, if there is something chromosonal/genetically wrong with us, nothing can be done to change it.   She said issues with the uterus itself can sometimes cause miscarriage, but mine appears to be find to her and she really doesn't think that's an issue. 

So, I don't know what to do.  My doctor wants to keep doing what we're doing and hope for the best.  I feel like I need more than that.  I don't know if such a thing as egg quality really exists, but I can't help wondering if my PCOS is affecting the eggs themselves, and therefore things just aren't right from the start?  Would moving on to injectibles instead of dinking around with Clomid give us a better result, and reduce our chance for miscarriage somehow?  She doesn't think so.  If we were to seek a second opinion - would we go back to the RE we consulted with a year ago?  Is there some other type of doctor who specializes in things like RPL? 

Obviously, Jeff and I have a lot of things to talk about and a lot of decisions to make.  We went ahead and scheduled a D&C for this Friday.  So first we'll get through that and take things one step at a time from there.  God, I really don't want to be going through this again.  I wish someone could just put me to sleep and wake me up in a month when the hardest part of this, emotionally and physically, is over with. 

"Bring Back That Eerie Feeling"

Can I just say there have been some very, very eerie reminders lately of my first pregnancy.  I found out I was pregnant this time pretty much around the same time I found out the first time I was pregnant.  So needless to say, being pregnant again at the same time this year stirs up some raw emotion in me - which is caused by the most random, stupidest things.

For example, Saturday afternoon Jeff and I were being total bums laying around watching TV and napping.  The doorbell rang and my first thought was, "awe man, who is that going to be?  I'm trying to nap here!"  When I opened the door there was a little Girl Scout standing there selling cookies (woot! woot!).  After I got my cookies (by the way, I'm loving this direct sale stuff this year) and shut the door, it hit me.  I remembered last year on a Saturday morning shortly after I found out I was pregnant, sleeping on the couch while Jeff was at work, and a neighbor girl ringing the bell to take my cookie order. 

And, speaking of these awesome cookies some more, one of my high school classmates posted on Face.book that his daughter was selling cookies again this year and to let him know if anyone wanted some.  I had ordered from them last year, and he stopped by the afternoon of my D&C to drop them off (we had already made plans for him to stop by before we found out about the miscarriage, and what was I suppose to do?  Call him up and say, oh I had my baby sucked out of me this morning, can you stop by another time?  No, I sucked it up and still had him come - and I needed a box of Cararmal de lites to make me feel better anyway).

So, while I love Girl Scout cookie time and all their wonderful ooey-gooeyness, it brings up some bad memories for me.

Secondly, we got our taxes done last night (woot! woot! for a big return this year).  We got our taxes done on Valentine's Day last year.  I had just hit 8 weeks that day and remember coming home afterwards and taking our first belly shot.  So, while I'm happy we can now afford to buy that pillow top king-size bed I've been dreaming about, getting our taxes done brings back a bad reminder of what should have been. 

T-minus 1 week until my first appointment.  Thank goodness I'm busy at work and the days are going by fast. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

7 Weeks

This is the start of week 7 (according to my calculations anyway).  In the past, week 7 has always been when things seem to fall apart, unbeknownst to us.  With the first pregnancy we found at at almost 10 weeks that the baby was only measuring 7w6d.  With the second pregnancy, we found out at 12 weeks that the baby was only measuring 7w4d.  So, entering the 7th week is obviously a little nerve-wracking this time around.  But, I'm trying to stay positive.  Regardless, it's hard to not constantly wonder what is going on in there now that we've reached this point.     

In other news, I came *this* close to completing one of my Bucket List items this weekend.  Last week I signed up to take a CPR class through the Red Cross.  It was suppose to be tomorrow, but I received notice yesterday that the class has been cancelled.  I'm disappointed.  It took a lot of nerve for me to actually sign up, so it's a bit of a let-down.  It doesn't look like another one is going to be offered in my area for at least the next couple months (unless I want to travel 20 miles and go at night, which I really don't want to do).  I feel like CPR is something I should probably know how to do.  I really want to learn it before we have kids in case, God forbid, something would ever happen.  Hopefully I'll still have a chance to get this done before September.  If not, I was watching a talk show the other day and they touched on CPR.  They said if you aren't sure how fast to do chest compressions, simply sing the song "Stayin' Alive" to yourself, and do the compressions to the beat.  Makes sense to me!

I Apologize

Dear Rachel:

I owe you an apology.  I've had tears in my eyes ever since I read your comment this afternoon.

When I read about your second loss at 8w4d last week, I panicked.  I read about someone else going through the exact thing I've been fearing will happen to me since I scheduled my first OB appointment, and I just wanted to run away from it.  I now realize how childish, hurtful, and selfish I was, and I'm so sorry for that.

Since losing our two angels, I've searched high and low for a reason why this has happened to me.  The only thing I've been able to come up with is that it's made me a more compassionate person.  That it's enabled me to be able to help others who are going through the same things I am.  I reached out to two other people (in real life) this year who have also had miscarriages, and I know in my heart that I helped them in some way.  Sadly, after how I reacted to your most recent loss, I feel as though I'm back to square one and haven't learned anything from this afterall.

Instead of mentioning "some blogger who lost her baby at 8w4d" and writing about how I can't handle reading things like that, I should have told you how sorry I was.  I should have asked fellow bloggers to keep you and your husband in their thoughts and prayers.  I should have told you that I, too, know what it's like to lose two babies and understand what a horrible feeling it is.

With my losses, there have been people in my life who have done exactly what I did to you.  Ran away.  I'd tell them about my loss, and they would literally run away because they wanted to continue to live in their happy, carefree bubble where nothing bad happens.  And it hurt.  I realize that's exactly the same kind of person I have become with this pregnancy.  I don't want to hear about the bad stories anymore.  I want to live in my safe bubble and only hear about the stories with positive outcomes so that I can have hope.  But living in my bubble is not fair to you, or anyone else.  Life is not perfect.  It's moments like that where we need to be human, and tell each other we are here for one another.  That we're in this together. 

I debated about whether or not to make this apology public, and decided blogging about infertility and miscarriages is about being open, honest, and keeping it real.  And, therefore I wanted to tell you, publicy, that I'm sorry.  I hope you can forgive me, although I certainly understand if you don't or can't right now.  I am so sorry for your losses, and I will say an extra prayer for you tonight that someday, soon, you will have your takehome baby.

Jenny
 

Stepping Back

I'm thinking about taking a step back for a while from both blogging and some TTC message boards I hang out on.  Since finding out I'm pregnant again, I've had my positive and negative days, although I'm trying very hard to have more positive ones than negative.  This weekend my mom and Jeff kind of ganged up on me and told me I need to think more positive about this pregnancy, and they are right.  Today driving in to work I was feeling pretty good.  I was thinking to myself, there is no reason for this not to work out.  Our first two losses were basically chalked up to bad luck, my RPL testing showed I have no autoimmune or blood clotting disorders that will affect anything, I actually ovulated close to a "normal" time this cycle, and I'm on progesterone supplements and Metformin.  Basically, I feel like I have everything going for me this time around.  So, based on that I was feeling positive.

Then I got to work and opened up my list of blogs I follow.  There was an update from one who went in for her first OB appointment yesterday when she was 8w4d, and there was no heartbeat. 

At my first appointment on the 21st I will be 8w4d.  Needless to say, all kinds of horrible thoughts of the same thing happening to me flooded my mind.  And that's when I decided I need to stay away from all this.  Yes, I want to be here to support everyone I have come to know and care about, but for my own sanity and peace of mind I feel like I need to stay away for awhile, as seeing things like this does not put me an a good mental state. 

So that is my stance today, although I'm sure I will still find myself lurking to keep up on everyone (I know it's going to be hard to stay away).  Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to update with good news, and be in a better place emotionally to be ready for all this interwebz stuff again.