It Still Hurts!

I'm not gonna lie folks, pregnancy announcements still hurt.  Even though I'm currently pregnant, and am actually fairly optimistic about this pregnancy, it still cuts right through my heart when I hear a pregnancy announcement from a friend. 

I went out to lunch today with one of Jeff's friends (ok, they are my friends too now that we're married but you know how it is - he and Jeff were friends before Jeff and I started dating).  We work in the same building so we met up for lunch.  During our conversation, he told me they are expecting #2.  She told me last fall they were going to start trying so I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but I guess I wasn't the least bit prepared to hear that news today - from him.  It's put me in a funk for the rest of the afternoon. 

My first reaction was to say "Oh yay, we're expecting too!"  And then I remembered - I don't have that luxury of telling others early on that we're expecting, because there's no way to know how this is going to turn out and I can't get excited about it yet.  So I kept my mouth shut.  I immediately fast forwarded to July 1st (her due date) and thought of how I could very easily not be pregnant when their little one arrives, and already mentally started bracing myself for that.  How sick and twisted is that?  Unfortunately, that's how the mind of a recurrent miscarrier and infertile thinks.  It's messed up.  I've seen others write about how an infertile's mind never stops thinking like an infertile - even if they go on to have healthy babies, but today was really the first time I experienced that firsthand.  It's so hard to explain how it feels to be pregnant, but be so insanely jealous of others who are also pregnant at the same time. 

This couple's little girl was born at 24 weeks and, by many miracles and prayers, survived and is a happy and healthy 3 year old today.  So believe me, if anyone else out there deserves a happy and healthy pregnancy it's them.  I do wish them nothing but the best....but damn, my heart still hurts!  

I Was Wrong

This morning when I peed on a stick, two pink lines appeared.  I couldn't believe it, and I still am a little shocked.  My first reaction was to freak out (naturally) and start crying, thinking about all the bad ways this pregnancy could end.  I really don't think I can handle a third miscarriage.  Poor confused Jeff asked why I was crying and said "But I thought we wanted to get pregnant?"  He told me I need to think positive.  He's always the optimist.


So, now I need to start the progesterone suppositories.  I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor's office to get this filled and get some more instructions on how to use them.  I guess one reason I'm super paranoid about the outcome of this pregnancy is because my doctor just called me late yesterday to let me know my progesterone results from last week.  It was 11.5 (at 6dpo).  For those of you who aren't familiar with this, they want to see it over a 10 on a nonmedicated cycle, and over 15 on a medicated cycle.  So, that number basically confirmed I did ovulate, but the number wasn't as high as they want to see.  So now I feel panicked to start the progesterone ASAP (I called them 2 hours ago and no call back yet - grrrr!). 

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, but need some time to gather them.  If anyone has used progesterone (vaginal) suppositories, and has any suggestions/advice, I'll gladly take it.

Testing Tomorrow...

I'm planning on testing tomorrow (I'll be 12dpo) but I have a really strong feeling it's going to be negative.  The two times I've been pregnant I had an intuition leading up to testing that I was pregnant (I got a BFP at 11dpo both times).  This time, my intuition tells me I'm not.  And I'm lacking the one and only symptom I had those times before:  extreme thirst.  I know it sounds silly, but that's how I knew I was pregnant both times before - I was extremely thirsty for a couple days before I tested.  Right now I could care less if my water glass is empty.

I'm trying to brace for the lack of second line, but I know it's going to hurt.  I feel like we really made an effort this cycle and had really good timing, and I'm afraid it's all been for nothing and we'll have to do it all over again in a couple weeks.  I realize this is only our second cycle of trying again, but as each cycle goes by with a BFN, I get more and more scared that this might not ever happen again for us, or the means to get pregnant again might be a little more involved than simply popping 5 Clomid pills each cycle. 

I guess it's out of my control.  Part of me feels so strongly that I'm not pregnant that I don't want to even bother wasting a test.  But....I have to start progesterone suppositories as soon as I get a BFP, so I hate to wait to test and put off starting the progesterone that much longer.  So, either way I feel forced to test.  If it's negative, at least I can start mentally moving on from this cycle that much sooner.

Warning: Infertile Inside

Today I had my Clomid check (check for cysts and get progesterone drawn) with my Ob/Gyn.  I think every single pregnant lady or new mom with their baby decided to make an appointment on the same day as me.  Normally I'm fine with seeing the occassional pregnant patient in the office, as I know it's bound to happen in an Ob/Gyn's office.  But seriously, every.single.patient. today was knocked up.  Ouch. 

And even that wouldn't be so bad, except I sat in the waiting room for 45 minutes before I finally got called back.  And in that time a dozen pregnant women were called back while I sat....and waited...and waited...and waited.  I felt like a leper.  I felt like I was low on the priority list just because I wasn't pregnant.  I can picture the receptionists conversation now:  "Who is that patient out there still waiting?  Oh, she's an infertile?  Well, she can wait then." 

I know that's not how it is at all.  There are 5 physicians in this practice so I'm sure I was just the lucky one who's doctor was running behind.  But still, it made me feel really crappy.  When I show up they should hang a sign on the door that reads:  'Warning: Infertile Inside, Pregnant Women Enter at Your Own Risk.'  

The other thing that stung today was the conversation I had with Dr. C.  We were talking about how many cycles of Clomid we'll try, etc.  She said something to the effect of:  "Once we get you ovulating you seem to not have a problem getting pregnant - it's the staying pregnant part that is an issue now."

Gulp.  I know all this, believe me I do.  But it was the first time I've actually heard my doctor say it out loud to me.  Staying pregnant is an issue.  I guess I expected my doctor to be the optimistic one that would say having two miscarriages in a row was normal and something she saw all the time.  But no, it's an issue for my doctor just as much as it's an issue with me.  Sigh.

On a good note, I'm pretty sure I did finally ovulate last week (on CD17 nonetheless - that's good right?!).  I know I've said it before but I'm going to say it again, I'm in love with the 2WW (two week wait).  It's 1,000 times less stressful than waiting to ovulate.  I really do want to thank everyone for their comments on my Mid-Cycle Freakout post.  I helps so much to know I'm not crazy and that everyone else has felt that way at some point in their journey.  I feel so lucky to have "met" all of you.  This blogging community is so amazing. 

XOXO

Decorating

It's been a year and a half since we moved into our house, and we're finally getting around to putting things on our walls.  I've been eyeing these Holman Ledges from Pottery Barn for quite some time, and once some Christmas money was in hand from my generous grandparents, I hit the purchase button (ok you got me, so I ordered them on Cyber Monday and put them on the credit card, with the intent to pay it off once said cash was received).  Anyway, we hung them last weekend.  I wasn't really sure on how to arrange them (seriously, decorating is not my thing), but I think they turned out looking pretty good.  Now I just need to find some things to put on them, as they look a little silly naked... (please excuse the messy living room)

My other project that I've been meaning to tackle for the last 2 years, is getting our wedding photos framed and hung.  A few months ago, I found some good deals on frames I liked at Michael's and finally got that job finished.  I've seen some other blogs of people doing photo collages on their walls, and was trying to do something similar. 

That's all I've done for now.  I have a couple other wall-hanging projects in mind, but talking Jeff into doing what I want might be an issue, as it would involve a ladder and a staircase - not a good combination!  Maybe I'll hire that one done?

Mid-Cycle Freakout

Today is CD16.  This is usually the time every cycle where I start to have slight panic attacks, get frustrated with my body, and start to lose hope that I will ever a) ovulate, b) get pregnant again, and c) stay pregnant.

Every cycle once I coast right past CD14 (you know, the day when "normal" people ovulate) I start questioning everything:
 

• What if the Clomid doesn't work this cycle and I don't ovulate? 
• Why is my doctor still dinking around with 50mg, shouldn't we be moving me up to 100mg? 
• Am I doing the right thing by continuing to treat with my OB/GYN instead of a RE? 
• If I was treating with an RE instead, would he be doing anything differently? 
• What if we don't get pregnant this cycle?  That means the number of Clomid cycles we can do is diminishing, and what if we have to move on to injectibles with a RE? 
• Will Jeff or myself be able to give me shots if it comes down to that?
• Does ovulating later than "normal" mean my eggs are a poorer quality?  Is this the reason for my miscarriages?  Is there even such a thing?  If there is, then maybe I don't want to get pregnant this cycle afterall.
• What if we get burned out of having sex and miss my fertile window, simply because it takes me so long to ovulate and we get sick of doing it by then?
• What if I don't get pregnant again with Clomid alone?  What if someday it comes down to IVF?  Will that be a huge waste of money if I can't even stay pregnant?
• Why does this have to be so hard?

I know I sound like a raging lunatic.  But honestly, every single one of these thoughts ran through my head (multiple times) last night as I tried to go to sleep. 

Someone please have me committed. 

At least then I wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff.

Goodbye 2011...Hello 2012

I hope everyone had a great time over the holidays.  Honestly, I'm so glad the holidays are over and 2011 is behind us.  2011 has officially gone down as the worst year of my life.  2012 has to be better.  I know you're probably sick of seeing New Year's Resolutions posts, but felt like I should still put down something in writing.  I've seen this 'survey' on a few different blogs and thought I would borrow it.  Here goes: 

1. What did you do in 2011 you never did before?

Cleaned up after a tornado.  Jeff’s mom lost her house in a tornado in April.  I never imagined myself or anyone I know would be put in the position of losing a home in a natural disaster.  She has since bought a house that needed some work, fixed it up and turned it into a pretty nice and cozy home.  In the end I think she’s better off now than she was before, but it was definitely a hard road for her this year to get to where she is.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I can’t remember making any resolutions for 2011.  Aside from the usual ones (eating better, exercising more, yada yada yada) I’ve never been big on New Year’s resolutions.

For 2012:  I suppose to just try and be a better person overall.  Be more patient, less judgmental, and be present and happy with where I am in life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but I do have a niece due in February.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

None, we stayed pretty close to home this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A child.  And patience.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

January 14^th – the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time

September 26^th – our due date with our first pregnancy.  It’s also our wedding anniversary…I thought for sure that was a sign that everything was going to be okay with the pregnancy.  

March 1^st – the day of my first D&C,

Sadly, the dates relating to our second pregnancy don’t stick with me.  I tried to not get attached in case something bad happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I would say my biggest achievement was emotionally pulling myself through those days following the miscarriages.  I found out I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was. 

9. What was your biggest failure?

My body failing me and having two miscarriages

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Aside from infertility and two miscarriages, it’s been a pretty healthy year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought our house a year and a half ago and have been working to fill it up ever since.  I'd say the thing I'm most excited about that we bought are some floating shelves for our living room wall.  We just got them hung this weekend and it makes the room feel much more lived-in.  Now I need to buy stuff to put on the shelves!

12. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, lol.

13. What did you get really excited about?

I got really excited about starting the year off finding out we were expecting the first time.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2011?

“Dirt Road Anthem” by Jason Aldean – for some reason this song takes me back to my high school days and makes me miss the innocence I had back then.  What teenager ever thinks life will be so hard when they grow up?

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or Sadder: Sadder, I wish so badly our babies were still with us.

Thinner or Fatter: Fatter.  Getting pregnant twice only to miscarry several weeks later both times has really screwed with my body.  I’ve already lost almost 10 pounds by following a lower-carb diet.  I hope to lose a little more before getting pregnant again (which will hopefully be soon), and continue to eat healthy and exercise throughout my next pregnancy.

Richer or poorer:  I would say either about the same or richer.  We refinanced our mortgage this year (yes, only a year after we bought our house) and got a 3.875% interest rate.  So that has saved us some money in payments every month. 

16. What do you wish you'd done more of:

Spent more quality time with Jeff (i.e. not sitting in front of the TV).  I feel like so much of 2011 was spent in limbo, waiting.  I never wanted to make plans too far in advance when not knowing if I would be pregnant, or would need to be close to home for monitoring appointments on my Clomid cycles.  I wish we had just lived life to the fullest and let TTC take a backseat.

17. What do you wish you had done less of:

Stressing out about my PCOS and getting pregnant.  We were able to get pregnant twice without trying too hard, and looking back it seems stupid that I let myself get to stressed out about it.  I’ve learned things in life will happen when they are suppose to, and most things are out of our control.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent the first half of the long weekend with Jeff’s family, and the second half with mine.  Sadly, I didn’t really enjoy myself at Christmas this year.  I’m at the point in my life now where I want us to have our own kids to spend Christmas with.  I can’t wait to start our own traditions.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Whitney is the first show that pops into my head that we both really enjoy.  Modern Family and The Middle are a couple of our favorites also.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

I really love Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series, and look forward to each new novel to see what new things are in store for Stephanie.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
I really enjoyed all of the new country music this year.  A lot of great songs came out this year.  "Pumped Up Kicks" is another fun song from 2011.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Gosh, we hardly ever go to movies.  We do rent a lot but I can’t think of a favorite.  Sorry, I’m not a movie buff!

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I turned 30 (*gasp*) this year.  Jeff and I went out to eat at Red Lobster, and that’s about it.  I’m too old to party it up like I use to ;)

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not having the first miscarriage and having a 3 month old baby with us right now.

25. What kept you sane?

Jeff.  One of the biggest things he has taught me is patience (even though I haven’t mastered it yet).  When life throws us curveballs, he is able to stay calm, and make me realize that everything in life will end up working out just fine. 

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Never take your loved ones for granted.