Is there such thing as a Bad Blogger Award? If so, I should definitely be nominated. I guess I've been MIA for a few reasons, and most of them are pretty Debbie Downer-ish. I would like to keep this blog a little more upbeat, and thus I've decided I'm better off not writing about any of it. Well, today I've changed my mind. So if you want to keep your spirits up, I suggest you not read any further.
Over 4th of July weekend I received a text message from my brother's wife. It was a picture of my 2 year old nephew wearing a shirt that said "Big Brother". What was my first reaction? I broke down and starting bawling. Luckily, Jeff completely understood why I was so upset and let me cry on his shoulder for a good 15 minutes. Only after I was done crying was I able to muster up a "Congrats!" reply. Am I a bad sister? Probably. Can I help the way I feel? No. Am I going to apologize to anyone for the way I feel? No. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them and am excited to have another niece or nephew come February. But at the same time I can't help but be sad about our loss. I was suppose to be next and instead I'm still waiting....and waiting....and waiting. And what makes it that much harder for me, is they are seriously those people. You know who I'm talking about. The people that get knocked up the very first time they try. Yep, two children now....the very first time with each. While I'm still struggling, trying to get my stupid body to cooperate even with the help of Clomid.
I'm now in my second cycle of Clomid (50mg). I'm on CD17 with no ovulation in sight. The very first time I took Clomid back in October, I didn't ovulate until CD21, so I'm still trying to hold out hope. But I'm honestly getting really discouraged. I'm also torn between continuing treatment with my ob/gyn, or going back to the RE. I called the RE's office last week to try to speak to a nurse and get her opinion on what to do. However, I ended up playing phone tag over the course of a couple days and never did get to speak with one. That made me frustrated and even more upset so I just gave up. I guess my biggest concern is I'm not being monitored with ultrasound while on Clomid. I know, I know, in the IF world, that's a big no-no. However, when both my ob/gyn and RE told me it wasn't necessary, I guess I just decided to trust them and see what happens. But now that my body seems to be so uncooperative on Clomid, I'm really wishing I was being monitored because I want to see what my ovaries are up to. So I guess as of now (and I change my mind several times throughout the day so this plan could definitely change at any moment) here is my plan moving forward:
1. Give this cycle some more time to see if I ovulate. I have my CD21 check this Friday, where I could discuss either the possiblity of being monitored with her, or asking for a referral back to the RE. I really don't need a formal approval to go to the RE, but I just feel like I should be up front with her about how I feel and what I'm doing. The only problem with this you ask? I'm not actually seeing my own ob/gyn on Friday. She wasn't available so I'm seeing a different one. So....not sure how I'm going to pull off talking with Dr. C when I'm not actually going to see her. I figure I can have the doctor I am seeing relay this info onto Dr. C. (and maybe it wouldn't hurt to get a different ob/gyn's opinion anyway)?
2. If Dr. C. refuses to do monitoring, I'll make an appointment with the RE and demand they monitor me. Will they do it if I ask for it, even if that's not their normal protocol? I guess that would be a question I need answered before I decide to go back to them.
Ugh, this sucks. I just feel so lost and don't know what the right thing to do is. My biggest problem is I've reached the point where I've lost all patience for all of this. It's been 14 months since I've been off birth control, and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I want to make Jeff a dad so bad, and yet I'm so powerless to make that happen. Infertility sucks. You really can't understand how it feels until you've gone through it.
Sorry that was so long (see, if I'd write more often my posts wouldn't be so long!). If you made it this far, congrats to you!