Welcome ICLWers!

Hello all, and welcome to my blog.  I am a 30 year old with PCOS.  My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and together for 6.  We are trying to start the family we've always wanted, but finding it to be much harder than we ever thought.  In the last year I have been pregnant three times, and lost all three.  Not many people can say they have been pregnant three times in one year, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach that I can say that.

I started this blog in March of last year, shortly after my first miscarriage.  When I started it, I expected to blog about my journey through infertility for a few months, and then have it quickly turn into a pregnancy blog, and then write about raising our first child and our life in general.  I never in a million years dreamed I would be sitting here a year later, still writing about our struggle, with two more losses under our belt. 

My husband and I are at a bit of a stalling point now in our TTC journey.  My ob/gyn has basically chalked all three losses up to "bad luck" and wants us to just keep trying and doing what we've been doing (Clomid).  Neither one of us can accept that and feel like we need to have more testing done before moving forward.  I plan on making an appointment with a RE in the very near future to explore our options.

I look forward to meeting some new faces and getting to know you!

I Am a Face of Loss

After seeing some fellow bloggers share their story on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website, I got the courage to share my story, which has now been published.

When I discovered this site, it both comforted me and made me sad that there are so many women and couples out there suffering the loss of a child. 

If you would like to share your story, click here for the submission page.

Assumptions

I find it interesting how many people assume that you haven't had trouble conceiving.  I was talking with a coworker (who I have been pretty open with about my miscarriages) today and she made some comments that threw me off a little bit.  I don't know how we got on the subject, but she started talking about how she couldn't imagine having to give herself injections, take her temperature every day before she gets up, and time intercourse at the right time in order to get pregnant like some people do.  I wanted to say, "But that's pretty much what I had to do to get pregnant!"  But I didn't.  Once again, I remained silent.

You may remember this post where I talk about struggling with being able to be open and honest about our losses, but still can't bring myself to admit the other side of it.  The infertility side, and what it took for us to get pregnant in the first place.

And then I got to thinking, why does everyone make the assumption that people don't have trouble getting pregnant?  Just because I've been pregnant doesn't mean it didn't take a little extra effort to get there.  It's amazing how infertility doesn't even cross the minds of the majortiy of the population, but yet there are so many out there struggling with it.  Thinking about this also made me sad, because I realized I'm guilty of the exact same thing.

I thought about the friends I talked about in that same post, who miscarried with their second pregnancy.  They already had one healthy child, and so I made the assumption that they don't have trouble getting pregnant.  I assumed that their miscarriage was a fluke, and soon they will be announcing their next, healthy, pregnancy. 

I also thought about these friends, and how insanely jealous I instantly became when I found out they were expecting, even though I knew it was wrong of me because of the hardships they faced with the pre-term birth of their daughter.  I assumed they easily got pregnant this time, but how do I really know that? 

I guess when you are an infertile, you do feel isolated and that you are the only one dealing with it.  It's easy to assume that everyone else who has children had them handed to them.  But the reality is a fairly large percentage of them likely had some struggles along the way. 

This coworker, along with others, have made similar comments after finding out about one of our miscarriages.  "Well at least you don't have any trouble getting pregnant."  In a way, I mockingly laugh inside when I hear that from someone.  Like, I know something you don't know, ha ha ha ha ha.  I'm sure some day I'll come clean, as I feel the pressure to more and more.  I'm sure once we meet with the RE and get some things figure out and get a plan in place, I'll feel like I'm at a place then to possibly come out about our infertility.  But, until then I'll just pretend to others like I'm normal and fertile.  You know, just like everyone else is....

*A funny side note.  Here's a clip of our conversation today:
Coworker:  What does basil temperature even mean?  Do you have to stick it up your butt??
Me:  Haha, no. 

I thought all the infertiles out there would find this funny :)

Entitled

After each of my losses I find myself going through this period of...entitlement.  I feel like being able to have anything I want is the only trade-off from losing a baby that pacifies me.  Like, if I can't have a baby, then I'm entitled to this AND that.

Jeff is a pretty conservative spender.  I wouldn't necessarily call him frugal, he just takes time (a really long time) to think about a purchase before going forward with it.  Before meeting him, I was pretty much the opposite.  If I saw something I wanted, I bought it.  If I racked up a $300 credit card bill, it was no big deal.  Fortunately (or unfortunately - however you want to look at it), since meeting Jeff I've changed my ways.  I now find myself hating credit cards and only using them when absolutely necessary, and immediately paying off the balance.  If I see something in a store that I really want, I walk away and tell myself to sleep on it and that it will still be there the next day if I decide it's something I really need.  And most of the time I decide I can live without it. 

But oh how my attitude changes after a miscarriage.  I start asking myself what's the point in saving money if we don't have daycare, diapers, and formula to pay for?  Might as well buy whatever makes me happy in the moment, right?  I bought a few things while shopping with my mom last week, but for the most part I've refrained from purchasing several other things I want....thus far.  I find myself starting to weaken, however, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. 

I've also made many Star.buck's runs in the last week for $4 lattes.  And I have been eating whatever carb-loaded foods I feel like eating.  Unfortunately this has led to me gaining 3 pounds in the last week.  Ugh.  I really need to get back on track with my diet and exercise, it's just hard to find the motiviation right now.   

I know these are just coping mechanisms, which is perfectly normal and understandable.  I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with it either - there's much worse things I could be doing to cope besides spending money and eating junk food.  I just find it interesting how strong this sense of "entitlement" becomes immediately after each loss. 

Surviving

I have one word to sum up this weekend:  Sad.  I was pretty miserable doing nothing but sitting around the house all weekend crying, but at the same time I wanted to do nothing else but that.  If I would have let myself, I think I could have cried for hours and hours and still had tears left.  The tears and sobbing would just come out of nowhere and it took all I had to make myself stop.  I found myself getting frustrated with Jeff for not doing something to make me feel better.  And then I would feel guilty for getting upset with him because I knew I was in a place where nothing anybody did or said would make me feel better anyway. 

I know the majority of this is from my hormones being completely messed up right now, and I will feel better with time, but I sure wish this feeling would hurry up and pass quickly.  I have so many thoughts circling in my head right now, that it seems bullets are appropriate to lay it all out there. 

• What happens if we can't ever have children?  Can we be happy with it being just the two of us?  If we don't ever have kids, what will we do to fill the weeks, months, years to feel like we're still living a full life?  As the years go by will we start to be resentful towards each other?  I know it sounds cliche, but it's true that these losses have brought us so much closer.  Right now I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever.  But will it always be that way if we keep getting hit repeatedly with these hard blows? 

• As much as I'm hurting for myself, I'm hurting even more for Jeff.  He would be the best daddy and it kills me that I can't give him that. 

• 2011 was such a horrible year and I had so much hope for 2012.  Now, as quickly as the year started, all hope for a 2012 baby is already gone. In fact, the likelihood of us having a baby even a year from now is pretty slim.  I'm already dreading the holidays this year, it will be our 3rd Christmas since TTC where we're empty-handed.

• I'm anxious to meet with a RE and hopefully starting testing and getting some answers.  At the same time I'm not.  I don't have the strength for it yet. 

• As much as part of me wants to hurry up and try again, a bigger part of me does not.  I'm scared to death of being pregnant again and having this all taken away a 4th time.  I'm not sure how many more times I can go through this, and not having any kind of guarantee that the next pregnancy will be viable scares the crap out of me.

 

Just What The Doctor Ordered

I think I found the perfect Rx for getting through the heartache of miscarriage:  spending time with my mama.

My mom was in town yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and prior to all this, we had plans to go out to lunch and spend the afternoon together.  After finding out about this miscarriage, I was a little hesitant to go through with our afternoon plans, as I was afraid I would be bawling my eyes out the entire time and walking around in a depressed haze.  But I decided to follow through - and I'm so glad I did.

Not only did she let me cry on her shoulder when we first saw each other, but she also gave me the encouragment I needed to stand up for myself and seek out a second opinion and demand more extensive testing.  Taking me out for lunch, some retail therapy, and a Shamrock Shake didn't hurt either. 

And you know what else I did yesterday?  I laughed.  A lot.  My mom and I have always had a really great relationship, but it's been awhile since I've been able I really had a fun time with my mom.  So like I said, it was exactly what I needed.  I'm so grateful to still have my mom in my life, as I know so many others who have lost parents early in life.  I'm so thankful I have a mom who has always been open and honest with me - about anything.  I know she'll be there for me no matter what. 

So thanks mom, I love ya.    

And I also want to thank every one of you who have commented in the last couple days.  I'm amazed at the outpouring of support I have received from so many.  I'm so thankful for this community, even though I hate there are so many of us who struggle with infertility and pregnancy & baby loss.  I intend on checking out each and every one of your blogs and learning your stories also over the weekend.  I look forward to supporting all of you in the future the way you have supported me this week. 

Goodbye Angel #3

We didn't get good news at our appointment today.  There was no heartbeat and it was measuring 2 weeks behind.  I'm devastated.  I'm not ready to give up this fight yet, but I really don't know how much more I can take. 

My doctor feels like we're doing everything possible, and there's just no explanation for it.  After 3 losses I'm starting to find that to be a pretty tough pill to swallow.  I feel like I need  more answers than what we've gotten so far.  She said we can do chromosonal testing on both Jeff and I to see if there are any issues there.  However, if there is something chromosonal/genetically wrong with us, nothing can be done to change it.   She said issues with the uterus itself can sometimes cause miscarriage, but mine appears to be find to her and she really doesn't think that's an issue. 

So, I don't know what to do.  My doctor wants to keep doing what we're doing and hope for the best.  I feel like I need more than that.  I don't know if such a thing as egg quality really exists, but I can't help wondering if my PCOS is affecting the eggs themselves, and therefore things just aren't right from the start?  Would moving on to injectibles instead of dinking around with Clomid give us a better result, and reduce our chance for miscarriage somehow?  She doesn't think so.  If we were to seek a second opinion - would we go back to the RE we consulted with a year ago?  Is there some other type of doctor who specializes in things like RPL? 

Obviously, Jeff and I have a lot of things to talk about and a lot of decisions to make.  We went ahead and scheduled a D&C for this Friday.  So first we'll get through that and take things one step at a time from there.  God, I really don't want to be going through this again.  I wish someone could just put me to sleep and wake me up in a month when the hardest part of this, emotionally and physically, is over with.