Scared, But Moving On

I had my follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn this morning.  I was a nervous wreck going into it, as I was prepared to tell her I wanted to seek further testing and treatment with a RE.  I was worried about how she would react, but hopeful she would understand where I was coming from, and I even thought perhaps she would suggest this herself.  Just as I feared, when I suggested that maybe seeing a RE would be beneficial, she didn't take the bait. 

She doesn't think a RE would do anything differently than what she's doing.

She thinks seeing a RE would be beneficial if I wasn't ovulating, but since I respond to Clomid and don't have trouble getting pregnant, she doesn't think it would be necessary.

She's willing to do chromosomal analysis for Jeff and I, as well as a HSG.  However, she said if either of these things show something wrong, there's nothing that can be done about it anyway.  First, I don't believe that an issue with my uterus can't be fixed.  Most things can....right?  And yes I realize nothing can be done about our genetics.  However if, God forbid, blood tests show that either one of us has a chromosome issue, we'd much rather know about it now instead of going through this same cycle of getting pregnant and miscarrying over and over again.  Why would be put ourselves through that if we didn't have to?

She threw out other ideas of things to try:  Femera instead of Clomid, throwing baby aspirin in the mix even though I don't have clotting disorders.  She suggests these things but then stares at me like I'm suppose to be the one to decide what we do.  You're the doctor.  You need to tell me what do to.

As soon as I could see the conversation wasn't going to swing the way I wanted it to, I shut down.  I put up a wall, nodded my head, and said okay we'd think about it.  I wish I had the guts to just tell her we'll be going to a RE anyway, but by that point I didn't care.  I just wanted to get out of there so I could start crying (which you can bet I did as soon as I got to my car). 

I hate to bash my doctor, because up until she now she really has been great.  I've been through a lot with her in the 8 years I've been going to her.  I trust her.  I know it sounds stupid, but when I fantasize about having a baby, she's always been included in my fantasy as the one to deliver him/her.  So stepping away from her not only scares me, but also makes me sad.  I assume once I do achieve a successful pregnancy, I will be go back to her, but who knows where this new road is going to lead us in the future. 

I don't question her knowledge per say.  She is probably right for the most part, we may find she isn't doing anything different than a RE would do.  But what bothers me is she doesn't seem to be supportive of a second opinion.  She can't admit that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know it all.  And that maybe us seeing a specialist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

The other thing that has always bothered me, the thing I thought of while sitting in the room half naked for 35 minutes today waiting for her to see me, is I always feel like I'm not the priority in that office.  I feel like when I go there for a prenatal appointment, I get brought right back to the room, and I hardly have to wait for my doctor to come in.  But when I'm there for a Clomid check, or D&C follow-up appointment, I always have to wait a really long time.  It just makes me feel even that much more left behind.  Like the pregnant ladies are the important ones, and those who can't have a baby are on the bottom of the totem pole.  I'm ready to go to a doctor who's #1 priority all day every day is their patients' fertility.  Where we're all equally in first place instead of last.   

For some stupid, silly reason I wanted her blessing.  And I didn't get it.  And that upsets me.  But, I have to take this next step, with or without her blessing, because I know in my heart it's what is best for us. 

I'm so exhausted from the last year.  I feel like I have had to be my own advocate for so much.  I felt like I had to spend my time searching the internet to try and find an answer to our problems.  I'm just tired, and ready to put this in the hands of someone else.  I want to throw it all on a RE and tell him to take care of it.  Tell him to figure out what's wrong and what we need to do.  Have him make a plan for us.  Tell me what I need to do and where I need to be, and I'll do it.  I just can't think about it anymore...

Welcome ICLWers!

Hello all, and welcome to my blog.  I am a 30 year old with PCOS.  My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and together for 6.  We are trying to start the family we've always wanted, but finding it to be much harder than we ever thought.  In the last year I have been pregnant three times, and lost all three.  Not many people can say they have been pregnant three times in one year, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach that I can say that.

I started this blog in March of last year, shortly after my first miscarriage.  When I started it, I expected to blog about my journey through infertility for a few months, and then have it quickly turn into a pregnancy blog, and then write about raising our first child and our life in general.  I never in a million years dreamed I would be sitting here a year later, still writing about our struggle, with two more losses under our belt. 

My husband and I are at a bit of a stalling point now in our TTC journey.  My ob/gyn has basically chalked all three losses up to "bad luck" and wants us to just keep trying and doing what we've been doing (Clomid).  Neither one of us can accept that and feel like we need to have more testing done before moving forward.  I plan on making an appointment with a RE in the very near future to explore our options.

I look forward to meeting some new faces and getting to know you!

Goodbye Angel #3

We didn't get good news at our appointment today.  There was no heartbeat and it was measuring 2 weeks behind.  I'm devastated.  I'm not ready to give up this fight yet, but I really don't know how much more I can take. 

My doctor feels like we're doing everything possible, and there's just no explanation for it.  After 3 losses I'm starting to find that to be a pretty tough pill to swallow.  I feel like I need  more answers than what we've gotten so far.  She said we can do chromosonal testing on both Jeff and I to see if there are any issues there.  However, if there is something chromosonal/genetically wrong with us, nothing can be done to change it.   She said issues with the uterus itself can sometimes cause miscarriage, but mine appears to be find to her and she really doesn't think that's an issue. 

So, I don't know what to do.  My doctor wants to keep doing what we're doing and hope for the best.  I feel like I need more than that.  I don't know if such a thing as egg quality really exists, but I can't help wondering if my PCOS is affecting the eggs themselves, and therefore things just aren't right from the start?  Would moving on to injectibles instead of dinking around with Clomid give us a better result, and reduce our chance for miscarriage somehow?  She doesn't think so.  If we were to seek a second opinion - would we go back to the RE we consulted with a year ago?  Is there some other type of doctor who specializes in things like RPL? 

Obviously, Jeff and I have a lot of things to talk about and a lot of decisions to make.  We went ahead and scheduled a D&C for this Friday.  So first we'll get through that and take things one step at a time from there.  God, I really don't want to be going through this again.  I wish someone could just put me to sleep and wake me up in a month when the hardest part of this, emotionally and physically, is over with. 

I Was Wrong

This morning when I peed on a stick, two pink lines appeared.  I couldn't believe it, and I still am a little shocked.  My first reaction was to freak out (naturally) and start crying, thinking about all the bad ways this pregnancy could end.  I really don't think I can handle a third miscarriage.  Poor confused Jeff asked why I was crying and said "But I thought we wanted to get pregnant?"  He told me I need to think positive.  He's always the optimist.


So, now I need to start the progesterone suppositories.  I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor's office to get this filled and get some more instructions on how to use them.  I guess one reason I'm super paranoid about the outcome of this pregnancy is because my doctor just called me late yesterday to let me know my progesterone results from last week.  It was 11.5 (at 6dpo).  For those of you who aren't familiar with this, they want to see it over a 10 on a nonmedicated cycle, and over 15 on a medicated cycle.  So, that number basically confirmed I did ovulate, but the number wasn't as high as they want to see.  So now I feel panicked to start the progesterone ASAP (I called them 2 hours ago and no call back yet - grrrr!). 

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, but need some time to gather them.  If anyone has used progesterone (vaginal) suppositories, and has any suggestions/advice, I'll gladly take it.

Mid-Cycle Freakout

Today is CD16.  This is usually the time every cycle where I start to have slight panic attacks, get frustrated with my body, and start to lose hope that I will ever a) ovulate, b) get pregnant again, and c) stay pregnant.

Every cycle once I coast right past CD14 (you know, the day when "normal" people ovulate) I start questioning everything:
 

• What if the Clomid doesn't work this cycle and I don't ovulate? 
• Why is my doctor still dinking around with 50mg, shouldn't we be moving me up to 100mg? 
• Am I doing the right thing by continuing to treat with my OB/GYN instead of a RE? 
• If I was treating with an RE instead, would he be doing anything differently? 
• What if we don't get pregnant this cycle?  That means the number of Clomid cycles we can do is diminishing, and what if we have to move on to injectibles with a RE? 
• Will Jeff or myself be able to give me shots if it comes down to that?
• Does ovulating later than "normal" mean my eggs are a poorer quality?  Is this the reason for my miscarriages?  Is there even such a thing?  If there is, then maybe I don't want to get pregnant this cycle afterall.
• What if we get burned out of having sex and miss my fertile window, simply because it takes me so long to ovulate and we get sick of doing it by then?
• What if I don't get pregnant again with Clomid alone?  What if someday it comes down to IVF?  Will that be a huge waste of money if I can't even stay pregnant?
• Why does this have to be so hard?

I know I sound like a raging lunatic.  But honestly, every single one of these thoughts ran through my head (multiple times) last night as I tried to go to sleep. 

Someone please have me committed. 

At least then I wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff.

New and Improved Plan

I had my follow up appointment with my OB and here is our plan moving forward:

- I started on Metformin ER (extended release) 500mg, and will continue to take that through the 1st trimester when I get pregnant again.

- I had 11 vials of blood drawn yesterday for my RPL testing, results pending.

- Once my period decides to make it's grand entrance, I will take Clomid again since it seems to work for me.  If my period doesn't start by the first part of December I am to call for Provera to induce one.

- When I get pregnant again I will be on progesterone suppositories through the 1st trimester.

I'm so happy with this plan.  It's everything I was hoping for going into this appointment.  What's great is my OB suggested most of these things so I didn't even have to push her to do any of it.  I've had this inner struggle for a long time as to whether or not I should be moving on to an RE.  However, I feel so comfortable with my OB and feel like she's doing all the right things at this point that I'm glad I decided to stick it out with her.  Obviously if I don't get pregnant again with a few more cycles of Clomid, it might then be time to re-evaluate things.  But for now, I couldn't be more excited about our plan and the possibilities of what the future holds!

Our TTC Journey Thus Far

I stopped taking birth control pills in May 2010 after being on them for 10 years.  After a couple of long, irregular cycles (60-90 days), my ob/gyn (Dr. C.) decided to do some bloodwork, which ended up showing that I have PCOS.  Dr. C. explained the first course of action would be to take a fertility drug called Clomid to make me ovulate.  Clomid is taken for 5 days and is usually prescribed for cycle days (CD) 3-7 or 5-9.  I was prescribed to take it CD3-7.  I did ovulate that cycle, but didn’t get pregnant.  In the meantime I had been doing some research, and had found that patients should be monitored with ultrasounds while taking Clomid.  Dr. C. had told me she didn’t think this was necessary.  I had also read that prior to taking Clomid, other tests should be done to rule out other possible fertility issues.  These include a semen analysis and a HSG, a procedure where they check to make sure your fallopian tubes are open.  We didn’t have those done either.  I decided to forgo using Clomid the next cycle, and seek a second opinion.  On January 6th my husband and I met with a RE (reproductive endocrinologist).   He didn’t think extra monitoring with ultrasounds was necessary either.  He said studies have shown monitoring versus not monitoring doesn’t affect the outcome of treatment with Clomid.  He also didn’t feel a semen analysis or HSG were necessary at the time.  He suggested we try 3 more rounds with the Clomid first, and if I didn’t get pregnant we would proceed with those tests.  Little did we know as we were sitting in the RE’s office, our sperm and egg had already met and I was pregnant!  I tested positive on January 14, 2011.  We were both excited, but very cautious as we knew the rate of miscarriage is very high (15%-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage).  My first  ultrasound at 7 weeks 2 days showed everything looked great and the baby was developing right on track.  However, over the last weekend in February I started having some light bleeding.  We ended up going to the emergency room that Sunday evening and found that the baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks 6 days.  At that point I was supposed to be 9 weeks 6 days.  I had a D&C on March 1st to complete the miscarriage. 

Different

I've always felt like I was different from other girls my age growing up.  Coming into adolescence I always seemed to be a little behind others my age.  I can remember being in 5th or 6th grade and anxiously awaiting my last few teeth to fall out so that I could have braces like everyone else in my class already did.  Most people dreaded getting braces, but I wanted them so badly just so I would fit in.  I watched as people came back from their orthodontist appointments every month with a new color combo on their bands. I couldn't wait for the day when I could have green bands on my bottom braces and red bands on top for the Christmas season (and black and orange for Halloween of course!).  However, by the time my last tooth fell out and the braces were put on everyone else was getting theirs off and having braces wasn't so cool anymore....

In 5th grade they made us watch the much-anticipated "sex" videos.  They separated us out and put boys in one classroom and girls in another.  I was so excited thinking they were going to explain in great detail how men and women have sex.  As it turns out, we watched some corny 10 minute video on girls getting their periods for the first time and how to use a sanitary pad.  Boy was I disappointed! I can't imagine what kind of video the boys had to watch.  If they weren't showing us videos on how to have sex, what else would 5th grade boys need to know?!  Each girl received a little packet that included a pamphlet and a couple sanitary pads.  I came home and put my packet in my dresser drawer, and would get it out on occasion, anxiously awaiting the day I would be able to use them.  Most girls in my class had already started their periods by now and knew how to use all that stuff.  But not me....

As the years went by with no period, my mom would reassure me that I was normal and just took a little longer than other girls my age.  As I would cry myself to sleep on many, many nights, she would always remind me how I had to wait longer than everyone else to get braces, and I was just a little slower with menstruating also and eventually I would catch up.  It made me feel better for awhile, but it was always in the back of my mine how un-normal I was.... 

When I turned 14 with no period in sight, my mom made an appointment for me with her gynecologist.  He sent me for a blood test to check my thyroid, which came back normal.  He said if I hadn't gotten my period in a year to come back.  That year came and went with no period so I went back to the doctor, and he told me the same thing.  By the time another year passed, the doctor finally prescribed some pills (Provera) for me to take to induce my first period.  I took the pills and finally, at age 16, I got my first period!  I continued to get a period after that but my cycles were very long, averaging about 1 period every two months....

I didn't know then, but I now know these long cycles are one of many symptoms of PCOS.