One More Thing

One more thing I forgot to put in yesterday's post (which is weird because it's the thing that most upsets me).  I also asked Dr. C if the tissue after every D&C was tested for chromosome issues.  She said it was not.  It was just looking for anything abnormal.  But, you know, if this happens again that can certainly be something we can get done if we'd like.

What??!!!

You mean this could have, and should have, been offered to us after every loss and it wasn't?!  I can understand maybe not having it done the first time, but it for sure should have been done after that.  Regardless, we should have been given that right to decide.

This was towards the end of my appointment (you know, when I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get the heck out of there) so I just let it go.  Not much I could do at that point anyway.

I went ahead and made the RE appointment (April 5th).  When I called my ob/gyn's office today to have them forward my records, here's how the conversation went:

Office:  Did Dr. C refer you there?
Me:  No.
Office:  Okaaaay.....so you didn't talk to her about this then?
Me.  I brought it up to her yesterday, but she didn't seem receptive to the idea, so I just made the appintment myself.

Are you freaking kidding me?  Stop acting like your office can dictate who goes where to see which doctor.  If I want to seek out another opinion elsewhere, that is my right as a patient.  You cannot tell me where I can and can't go.  Both Jeff and my dad made the comment last night that maybe I should just seek out a new ob/gyn regardless.  I'm starting to think maybe they are right.  The last two days with this office has left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Please God, let me get better service and care than this with the RE.  If I'm told at our first appointment that I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to, I don't know what I'll do.....

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments.  Just when I start to think I"m going bat sh!t crazy, your words remind me that I'm not.  It reminds me this is a big deal that should be taken seriously. 

Scared, But Moving On

I had my follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn this morning.  I was a nervous wreck going into it, as I was prepared to tell her I wanted to seek further testing and treatment with a RE.  I was worried about how she would react, but hopeful she would understand where I was coming from, and I even thought perhaps she would suggest this herself.  Just as I feared, when I suggested that maybe seeing a RE would be beneficial, she didn't take the bait. 

She doesn't think a RE would do anything differently than what she's doing.

She thinks seeing a RE would be beneficial if I wasn't ovulating, but since I respond to Clomid and don't have trouble getting pregnant, she doesn't think it would be necessary.

She's willing to do chromosomal analysis for Jeff and I, as well as a HSG.  However, she said if either of these things show something wrong, there's nothing that can be done about it anyway.  First, I don't believe that an issue with my uterus can't be fixed.  Most things can....right?  And yes I realize nothing can be done about our genetics.  However if, God forbid, blood tests show that either one of us has a chromosome issue, we'd much rather know about it now instead of going through this same cycle of getting pregnant and miscarrying over and over again.  Why would be put ourselves through that if we didn't have to?

She threw out other ideas of things to try:  Femera instead of Clomid, throwing baby aspirin in the mix even though I don't have clotting disorders.  She suggests these things but then stares at me like I'm suppose to be the one to decide what we do.  You're the doctor.  You need to tell me what do to.

As soon as I could see the conversation wasn't going to swing the way I wanted it to, I shut down.  I put up a wall, nodded my head, and said okay we'd think about it.  I wish I had the guts to just tell her we'll be going to a RE anyway, but by that point I didn't care.  I just wanted to get out of there so I could start crying (which you can bet I did as soon as I got to my car). 

I hate to bash my doctor, because up until she now she really has been great.  I've been through a lot with her in the 8 years I've been going to her.  I trust her.  I know it sounds stupid, but when I fantasize about having a baby, she's always been included in my fantasy as the one to deliver him/her.  So stepping away from her not only scares me, but also makes me sad.  I assume once I do achieve a successful pregnancy, I will be go back to her, but who knows where this new road is going to lead us in the future. 

I don't question her knowledge per say.  She is probably right for the most part, we may find she isn't doing anything different than a RE would do.  But what bothers me is she doesn't seem to be supportive of a second opinion.  She can't admit that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know it all.  And that maybe us seeing a specialist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

The other thing that has always bothered me, the thing I thought of while sitting in the room half naked for 35 minutes today waiting for her to see me, is I always feel like I'm not the priority in that office.  I feel like when I go there for a prenatal appointment, I get brought right back to the room, and I hardly have to wait for my doctor to come in.  But when I'm there for a Clomid check, or D&C follow-up appointment, I always have to wait a really long time.  It just makes me feel even that much more left behind.  Like the pregnant ladies are the important ones, and those who can't have a baby are on the bottom of the totem pole.  I'm ready to go to a doctor who's #1 priority all day every day is their patients' fertility.  Where we're all equally in first place instead of last.   

For some stupid, silly reason I wanted her blessing.  And I didn't get it.  And that upsets me.  But, I have to take this next step, with or without her blessing, because I know in my heart it's what is best for us. 

I'm so exhausted from the last year.  I feel like I have had to be my own advocate for so much.  I felt like I had to spend my time searching the internet to try and find an answer to our problems.  I'm just tired, and ready to put this in the hands of someone else.  I want to throw it all on a RE and tell him to take care of it.  Tell him to figure out what's wrong and what we need to do.  Have him make a plan for us.  Tell me what I need to do and where I need to be, and I'll do it.  I just can't think about it anymore...

Our TTC Journey Thus Far

I stopped taking birth control pills in May 2010 after being on them for 10 years.  After a couple of long, irregular cycles (60-90 days), my ob/gyn (Dr. C.) decided to do some bloodwork, which ended up showing that I have PCOS.  Dr. C. explained the first course of action would be to take a fertility drug called Clomid to make me ovulate.  Clomid is taken for 5 days and is usually prescribed for cycle days (CD) 3-7 or 5-9.  I was prescribed to take it CD3-7.  I did ovulate that cycle, but didn’t get pregnant.  In the meantime I had been doing some research, and had found that patients should be monitored with ultrasounds while taking Clomid.  Dr. C. had told me she didn’t think this was necessary.  I had also read that prior to taking Clomid, other tests should be done to rule out other possible fertility issues.  These include a semen analysis and a HSG, a procedure where they check to make sure your fallopian tubes are open.  We didn’t have those done either.  I decided to forgo using Clomid the next cycle, and seek a second opinion.  On January 6th my husband and I met with a RE (reproductive endocrinologist).   He didn’t think extra monitoring with ultrasounds was necessary either.  He said studies have shown monitoring versus not monitoring doesn’t affect the outcome of treatment with Clomid.  He also didn’t feel a semen analysis or HSG were necessary at the time.  He suggested we try 3 more rounds with the Clomid first, and if I didn’t get pregnant we would proceed with those tests.  Little did we know as we were sitting in the RE’s office, our sperm and egg had already met and I was pregnant!  I tested positive on January 14, 2011.  We were both excited, but very cautious as we knew the rate of miscarriage is very high (15%-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage).  My first  ultrasound at 7 weeks 2 days showed everything looked great and the baby was developing right on track.  However, over the last weekend in February I started having some light bleeding.  We ended up going to the emergency room that Sunday evening and found that the baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks 6 days.  At that point I was supposed to be 9 weeks 6 days.  I had a D&C on March 1st to complete the miscarriage.