Hopeful Optimism

I actually feel hopeful and optimistic for once. 

We had our follow-up appointment with the RE yesterday, and things could not have gone any better.  I had a SIS (saline infusion sonogram) done and my uterus looks perfect.  Our karyotyping came back normal on both of us.  So this puts our recurrent losses as unexplained, and likely just a random chromosome issue. 

So what's our plan from here?  Next cycle we are going to do Clomid again, but add in injectibles (Follitism) and a trigger.  The RE wants to try to increase the number of follicles/eggs, as a way to increase the odds of at least one of them being healthy and sticking around.  Ideally they want to see 2 mature follicle, and I'm going to be monitored very closely as they don't want to risk having high order multiples.  I'll also be on progesterone during the 2 week wait. 

I'm so happy, and excited about this plan.  All along I kept thinking in the back of my mind that injectibles were the next step I was hoping to take, but at the same time was also nervous about going there.  But after a quick training session on how to do the injections, it doesn't seem like it's going to be that big of a deal.  I'll be using the Follitism Pen, and the needle is way shorter than I anticipated.

I saw a different RE than I did last time, and I really liked this one a lot.  He explained things in a way that made sense, and I agree 100% with his approach.  His bedside manner was awesome.  I think with this clinic you never know who you're going to see, but I hope I get to work with this doctor a lot more - well, not too much more but you know what I mean ;) 

I'm so happy I made this move, as they are already doing so much more than my ob/gyn would have.  The words she said to me, "a RE wouldn't do anything differently than what I'm doing" still rings in my head.  Every time they ask me at this office if I want a copy of my records sent to my ob/gyn I always say no.  I'm not sure how to answer that because I still haven't decided if I'll eventually go back to her or not.

One thing I'm most excited about with this plan is ditching the BBT and OPKs.  I've always hated those stupid OPKs anyway, the damn things rarely gave me a positive.  Even though we're doing more as far as fertility treatments go, I feel there's going to be way less stress and pressure on my part.  I feel like all I have to do is show up for monitoring appointments, take the medications when they tell me to, have sex when they tell us to, and let them worry about the rest.  I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

One thing that was very strange for me yesterday was having the ultrasound done.  This was the same place I had to go to have the NT Scan done where we found out about our second loss.  It was the first ultrasound I've had where there was no baby to look at, only an empty ute.  Leading up to the ultrasound my nerves were a wreck with anticipation, as I'm use to bracing myself for the bad news of not seeing a heartbeat.  When I realized what I was doing and that I didn't have to worry about that this time, I almost had to laugh at myself for being so crazy.  

The RE did discuss using IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening for unexplained RPL.  (side note: he volunteered this information without me having to ask about it - what a novel idea!)  He said there are only a few clinics in the country that endorse this, and their particular clinic does not.  He explained the reasons why, reasons which I understand and respect.  If we still keep getting the same outcomes, however, this is something they will consider down the road. 
 
So for the first time in a long time I'm hopeful again.  I feel so great about this plan and already sense good things happening for us in the near future.  We'll get started as soon as my period shows it's face again, which with me who knows when that will be.  Surprisingly I'm okay with waiting for that to happen whenever it happens.  I'm looking forward to just enjoying the start of summer with Jeff over the next several weeks, sans fertility treatments.  I feel like our time will come eventually, and for once I'm patient enough to wait for it.       
 

I'm Back

Hi friends.  Just wanted to write a quick update that I'm back from my vacation (if you can call taking care of a 2-year-old and a 2-month-old a vacation, but more on that later).  I have lots to catch up on, both with work and the blogging world.  I promise I'll write more later, but wanted to let you know I'm alive and well. 

With that, I'll leave you with a photo of this sweet little face I got to stare at every day for the last 10 days:

She melted my heart with her smiles, and I miss her already ;(

Vacation Here I Come

Sort of.  It's not the sunny, tropical getaway with my husband that I'm longing for.  But I am getting away for a couple weeks.  And it is someplace warm and sunny.  Only it's with my mom. 

We're flying out this weekend to California to stay with my brother's wife and their two kids.  Why with them and not my brother you ask?  Because he's in the military and left for a 6 month deployment at the beginning of March....10 days after my little niece was born.  Yep, you heard me correctly.  They only got to spend 10 days together as a family of four before he had to head out ;( 

Since my SIL has been on maternity leave it hasn't been too big of a deal for them, but now she's back to work and needs some reinforcements to help with the kids, meals, cleaning, and walking their dog.  Her parents are there this week to help, and we'll be there for almost the next two, so hopefully by the time we leave they will all be back into a routine. 

So while I have visions of laying by the pool reading a book for the next two weeks, I'm sure the kiddos have completely different plans for us! 

As much as I'm looking forward to getting away for awhile (I'm loooong overdue for a break from life) I'm already homesick for Jeff (and I haven't even left yet).  This is the longest we'll have been away from each other since we started dating 6 years ago. 

So, I'm not sure how much I'll be around over the next couple weeks.  Obviously they have internet access (it's only California, not the stone age) but I'm not sure how much I'll log on.  But I will be thinking about you all and hopefully lurking, even if I'm not posting or commenting.  I do want to give two shout outs off the top of my head before I go:

Good luck to Alissa at MissConception on her FET next week! 

Good luck to Maria at Every Day Is A Country Song on her long-awaited IUI! 

Well Hello There Mr. RE

We had our appointment with the RE today.  It went well, although not too much was discussed in detail at this point.

- both of us had blood drawn for karyotyping (to check for choromosome abnormalities)
- he increased my Metformin dose from 500mg to 1500mg (I knew my ob/gyn didn't have the dose right)
- we go back in a month to get those results and discuss things further.  At that time I'll also have SIS (saline infusion sonogram) done to check for uterine abnormalities and possible scarring from the D&Cs.

So yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  We didn't really get any more answers today, but I didn't figure we would either.  I could tell he didn't want to get into the "what-ifs" until we get the results of those things, so therefore I didn't ask.  But I got the impression that he doesn't really see a reason why this is happening either.  I did ask him a little about egg quality.  He said egg quality does tend to be a little lower in women with PCOS but nobody really knows why, and this may or may not be a reason for miscarriage. 

Basically, to me it all sounds like a game of roulette.

Obviously I don't want anything major to be wrong with either one of us, but I'm already slightly discouraged that there likely isn't a reason for this.  As of now I have no idea what route we're going to take when it comes to TTC again.  Maybe he'll think more aggressive treatments will help, and maybe he won't.  Either way, I'm already dreading it...

Thank You Michelle

I rarely watch an episode of the Dug.gers, but after hearing that the season finale this week was going to be about their recent miscarriage, I felt compelled to watch.  So I recorded it, and finally worked up the courage to play it yesterday. 

And I have to say, I didn't shed as many tears as I thought I would.  Instead, the episode brought me so much peace within myself.  Yes, watching their ultrasound where they learned the horrific news that their baby no longer had a heartbeat was heart-wrenching.  It bought me back to all 3 of our ultrasounds where we found out the same news.  I felt like I was on that table with Michelle experiencing what she was experiencing right there with her.  (And I have to give her props for handling that moment with so much more grace than I ever have).

But the way she later spoke about her strong faith helped me to confirm what I already believed.  I have to say I've let my religion slip a little over the years.  Once I moved away from home, I haven't been able to find a church that I like, or one where I feel like I belong.  Even though I don't regularly attend church, however, I've never stopped believing in God.  Strangely our losses have made my faith stronger, while a lot of times people in these situations lose sight of it.  I've always believed we will be reuinted with our babies again someday.  So it brings me so much comfort that someone like Michelle, who has studied the bible way more than I have, believes the same thing. 

There is a lot of controversy out there over them choosing to make this time in their life public and air it on TV.  I'll admit I have differing opinions on them and their choices.  However, every time I do watch them, all I see is kindness, compassion, and love.  I think they are doing a great job in raising their children to be good, honest people who will be a positive contribution to society.    

What I don't understand is why people are okay with watching, say, some extravagant wedding of a Kar.dash.ian, whose marriage is only going to last .5 seconds, but they are not okay with someone sharing their real life experience of a miscarriage.  I'm sure the majority of those people who view it as wrong are those who haven't experienced it themselves.  The only reason they shy away from it, it because they don't want to face the reality that it could happen to them. 

So for that, I say thank you Michelle.  Thank you for having the courage to share your story.  I know it could not have been easy for you.  I could see that it wasn't easy for you.  I could see the pain in your eyes when you spoke to the camera.  Thank you for making those of us who have gone through a similar experience feel a little less alone.  Thank you for bringing the subject of miscarraige out into the open.  And thank you for teaching us more about your faith and reaffirming what I already knew to be true, but also find myself questioning at times.  

One More Thing

One more thing I forgot to put in yesterday's post (which is weird because it's the thing that most upsets me).  I also asked Dr. C if the tissue after every D&C was tested for chromosome issues.  She said it was not.  It was just looking for anything abnormal.  But, you know, if this happens again that can certainly be something we can get done if we'd like.

What??!!!

You mean this could have, and should have, been offered to us after every loss and it wasn't?!  I can understand maybe not having it done the first time, but it for sure should have been done after that.  Regardless, we should have been given that right to decide.

This was towards the end of my appointment (you know, when I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get the heck out of there) so I just let it go.  Not much I could do at that point anyway.

I went ahead and made the RE appointment (April 5th).  When I called my ob/gyn's office today to have them forward my records, here's how the conversation went:

Office:  Did Dr. C refer you there?
Me:  No.
Office:  Okaaaay.....so you didn't talk to her about this then?
Me.  I brought it up to her yesterday, but she didn't seem receptive to the idea, so I just made the appintment myself.

Are you freaking kidding me?  Stop acting like your office can dictate who goes where to see which doctor.  If I want to seek out another opinion elsewhere, that is my right as a patient.  You cannot tell me where I can and can't go.  Both Jeff and my dad made the comment last night that maybe I should just seek out a new ob/gyn regardless.  I'm starting to think maybe they are right.  The last two days with this office has left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Please God, let me get better service and care than this with the RE.  If I'm told at our first appointment that I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to, I don't know what I'll do.....

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments.  Just when I start to think I"m going bat sh!t crazy, your words remind me that I'm not.  It reminds me this is a big deal that should be taken seriously. 

Scared, But Moving On

I had my follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn this morning.  I was a nervous wreck going into it, as I was prepared to tell her I wanted to seek further testing and treatment with a RE.  I was worried about how she would react, but hopeful she would understand where I was coming from, and I even thought perhaps she would suggest this herself.  Just as I feared, when I suggested that maybe seeing a RE would be beneficial, she didn't take the bait. 

She doesn't think a RE would do anything differently than what she's doing.

She thinks seeing a RE would be beneficial if I wasn't ovulating, but since I respond to Clomid and don't have trouble getting pregnant, she doesn't think it would be necessary.

She's willing to do chromosomal analysis for Jeff and I, as well as a HSG.  However, she said if either of these things show something wrong, there's nothing that can be done about it anyway.  First, I don't believe that an issue with my uterus can't be fixed.  Most things can....right?  And yes I realize nothing can be done about our genetics.  However if, God forbid, blood tests show that either one of us has a chromosome issue, we'd much rather know about it now instead of going through this same cycle of getting pregnant and miscarrying over and over again.  Why would be put ourselves through that if we didn't have to?

She threw out other ideas of things to try:  Femera instead of Clomid, throwing baby aspirin in the mix even though I don't have clotting disorders.  She suggests these things but then stares at me like I'm suppose to be the one to decide what we do.  You're the doctor.  You need to tell me what do to.

As soon as I could see the conversation wasn't going to swing the way I wanted it to, I shut down.  I put up a wall, nodded my head, and said okay we'd think about it.  I wish I had the guts to just tell her we'll be going to a RE anyway, but by that point I didn't care.  I just wanted to get out of there so I could start crying (which you can bet I did as soon as I got to my car). 

I hate to bash my doctor, because up until she now she really has been great.  I've been through a lot with her in the 8 years I've been going to her.  I trust her.  I know it sounds stupid, but when I fantasize about having a baby, she's always been included in my fantasy as the one to deliver him/her.  So stepping away from her not only scares me, but also makes me sad.  I assume once I do achieve a successful pregnancy, I will be go back to her, but who knows where this new road is going to lead us in the future. 

I don't question her knowledge per say.  She is probably right for the most part, we may find she isn't doing anything different than a RE would do.  But what bothers me is she doesn't seem to be supportive of a second opinion.  She can't admit that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know it all.  And that maybe us seeing a specialist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

The other thing that has always bothered me, the thing I thought of while sitting in the room half naked for 35 minutes today waiting for her to see me, is I always feel like I'm not the priority in that office.  I feel like when I go there for a prenatal appointment, I get brought right back to the room, and I hardly have to wait for my doctor to come in.  But when I'm there for a Clomid check, or D&C follow-up appointment, I always have to wait a really long time.  It just makes me feel even that much more left behind.  Like the pregnant ladies are the important ones, and those who can't have a baby are on the bottom of the totem pole.  I'm ready to go to a doctor who's #1 priority all day every day is their patients' fertility.  Where we're all equally in first place instead of last.   

For some stupid, silly reason I wanted her blessing.  And I didn't get it.  And that upsets me.  But, I have to take this next step, with or without her blessing, because I know in my heart it's what is best for us. 

I'm so exhausted from the last year.  I feel like I have had to be my own advocate for so much.  I felt like I had to spend my time searching the internet to try and find an answer to our problems.  I'm just tired, and ready to put this in the hands of someone else.  I want to throw it all on a RE and tell him to take care of it.  Tell him to figure out what's wrong and what we need to do.  Have him make a plan for us.  Tell me what I need to do and where I need to be, and I'll do it.  I just can't think about it anymore...