Busting My Own Miscarriage Myths

***Warning:  some of this may be TMI for some***

I really don't like to dwell on the past, especially my miscarriage, but it's something that I can't help but find myself thinking about every once in awhile.  It still amazes me how my prior conceptions of what I thought a miscarriage is like were so different than what I actually experienced.  So, in this post I'm writing about those personal misconceptions and I'm busting my own myths. 
*Note: none of these statements are necessarily based on scientific facts, but from my own, personal experience.

1.  There is a very slim chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat is detected.

I was 7w2d at my first prenatal appointment.  Dr. C. did an ultrasound and everything looked perfect.  I knew what day I O'd, and the baby was measuring correctly right to the day.  There was an obvious heartbeat.  Basically, everything looked perfect and I thought I was in the clear for the next 33 weeks or so.  Yes, the rate of miscarriage decreases a little once a heartbeat is seen (around 6-7 weeks), however it doesn't drop significantly until a heartbeat is heard (around 10-12 weeks).  And even then, bad things can still happen at any moment during a pregnancy.

2.  A miscarriage begins with cramping and heavy bleeding.

My miscarriage started with very light bleeding on a Friday night.  So light that I really thought it was "normal" (despite what some might say, I now do not believe any bleeding is normal in pregnancy) spotting or bleeding.  This continued through the weekend until I was able to get to a doctor to get checked on that Sunday night.  It remained light into that Monday, and I had yet to have any cramping.  Around noon on that Monday I started having horrible cramps that lasted for about 5 hours.  They then, thankfully, subsided.  I had my D&C the following morning.  At the time I went in for the D&C I still had yet to experience any heavy bleeding. 

3.  The cramps associated with a miscarriage are simply like really bad menstrual cramps.

Uh, no.  I felt like I was going to die that Monday afternoon.  Seriously.  I had never experienced so much pain before in my life (and I've been through appendicitis, which I thought was pretty painful).  I remember telling Jeff (as I lay writhing in pain) that if this is anything close to what labor feels like, women are idiots for wanting to do it naturally (I don't mean to offend anyone out there choosing natural birth, but it's certainly not for me, especially after I've had a small taste of what it would be like). 

4.  As soon as development stops, a miscarriage will immediately start.

This is the one that bothers me the most.  Our baby had stopped developing two weeks before we knew it.  Two weeks before I started to have any signs whatsoever that something was wrong.  I stupidly walked around for two weeks thinking everything was just fine when it wasn't.  This is mostly why we (Jeff and I made the decision together) decided to opt for having the D&C versus letting things happen naturally.  If two weeks had already gone by with nothing happening, how much longer was it going to take?  I didn't want to sit around and wait to find out. 

5.  Doing all the "right" things will prevent a miscarriage.

With the last pregnancy I completely cut out caffeine.  I stopped eating tuna altogether (even though they say it's okay to eat occassionally).  I completely stayed away from artificial sweeteners.  I didn't eat lunch meat, even if it was warmed up.  I tried to do all the right things they say you are suppose to do in pregnancy, and I still miscarried.  That's why this time around I'm continuing to live my life like I always have because I know it doesn't make a difference.  Whatever is going to happen will happen.  I'm staying away from the obvious things (alcohol, ibuprofren, still limiting my tuna intake).  But I am still enjoying my morning cup of coffee (or skinny caramal macchiato from Starbucks for my weekly splurge). 

Carrying On A Legacy

My Great-Grandma O'Brien was a remarkable lady.  She lived to be 107, lived in her own home until she was 104, and got her licensed renewed for two years when she was 100.  How cool is that?!  She had a very strong Catholic faith and had been through a lot in her long life, including burying her husband and two of her sons.  She has been gone for several years now, but she has crept into my thoughts quite a bit this week.

One of the legacies Grandma O'Brien left behind was for the majority of her life she crotcheted baby hats for her local hospital.  I can remember visiting her the last couple years of her life when she was in a nursing home, and the whole bottom drawer of her dresser was full - and I mean full - of baby hats she had recently worked on.  She had passed on her crotcheting skills to my grandma, who had shown me as a kid how to crotchet also.  I'm not talking anything fancy here, mostly potholders because a basic square was about all I could handle!  However, several years ago I decided I wanted to carry on Grandma O'Brien's legacy and had my grandma show me how to crotchet baby hats so I could donate them to my hospital.  I made a couple dozen and donated them, and never touched a crotchet hook since.   I guess life just got in the way - planning a wedding, buying a house, trying to have a baby. 

The other night Jeff and I ended up having a really long, great conversation with our retired neighbors.  I found out she is involved with the "Preemie Project" for our local hospital.  They raise money for the NICU in various ways, and also make and collect donated hats, blankets, and booties for the preemies.  After talking with her something in my clicked and I thought "I need to start crotcheting baby hats again!"  So I went through our plastic totes that haven't been touched since we moved last year and dug out my crotcheting supplies and got back to work. 

I always say I want to do volunteer work, but never quite know what my niche is.  But I think this is the perfect thing for me.  It's time I start doing something positive towards becoming a better person. 

And while I was feeling very connected to my Grandma O'Brien this morning while crotcheting a little before I left for work, I said a little prayer to her, asking for her help in letting this be our takehome baby.

Here We Go Again

Sorry I've been avoiding my blog again.  Not only were we away on vacation over the weekend, but I also had some news to share and wasn't sure how to break it gently to those out there that are having T-TTC.  Since there really isn't a gentle way, I'm just going to say it.  I'm pregnant.  Again. 

My BBT went up a little last Thursday at 11 dpo, so I decided to test and here is the result (sorry for the blurry pic):

I'm surprisingly pretty calm about it all this time around.  I think a lot of the reason is I don't want to get too attached this time, only to experience another loss.  I would say the best way to describe how Jeff and I are feeling right now is cautiously optimistic.  I'm for sure feeling more positive about it though and am not letting negative thoughts flood my mind.  Having anxiety and bad thoughts about what could happen isn't going to help anything, and therefore I'm simply letting go and letting whatever happens happen. 

Our first appointment is 3 weeks from today, which seems so far away.  Luckily, we have plenty to keep us busy so hopefully time will fly. 

This last weekend we went to Blue Harbor Resort in Sheboygan, WI with Jeff's sister, husband, and 4 kids.  It was right on Lake Michigan and was one of the most relaxing vacations I've been on.  Most of my time was spent sitting on the beach reading a book.  It doesn't get more relaxing than that. 

Caught By Surprise Again

It's funny how one simple little thing like ovulating can change my entire mood and outlook on life.  Ovulating is all I ever wanted this cycle, and it looks like I may have finally gotten just that.  My temps have been up for over 3 days now and I have that clear thermal shift on my chart.  When I tested last Friday afternoon/evening the 2nd line on the OPK was *almost* as dark as the control line (on the internet cheapies).  Saturday morning was the same thing.  However, the digitals kept coming up negative.  By Saturday afternoon the line had started to fade, and when I tested again Sunday afternoon it was stark white.  So, I'm guessing I must have had a really short LH surge again this cycle sometime between Friday night and Saturday morning and missed it?  Agh, it's so confusing and annoying!  I did have what I believe to be ovulation pain Saturday.  I didn't temp Saturday or Sunday morning so I can't tell for sure when I O'd, but think it was one of those days (CD22 or 23). 

Dr. C. just called and confirmed my progesterone was low on CD21, so that didn't surprise me at all.  She said next cycle we'll up the Clomid dose to 100mg and hopefully that will move my O date up.  That's if I'm not pregnant of course.  We actually did have good timing considering I had no idea what my body was up to.  I'm just happy my body finally did cooperate, even though it was late.  Waiting to O is just pure torture.  I would take a 2 week wait over waiting to O any day.

Bad Blogger Award?

Is there such thing as a Bad Blogger Award?  If so, I should definitely be nominated.  I guess I've been MIA for a few reasons, and most of them are pretty Debbie Downer-ish.  I would like to keep this blog a little more upbeat, and thus I've decided I'm better off not writing about any of it.  Well, today I've changed my mind.  So if you want to keep your spirits up, I suggest you not read any further.

Over 4th of July weekend I received a text message from my brother's wife.  It was a picture of my 2 year old nephew wearing a shirt that said "Big Brother".  What was my first reaction?  I broke down and starting bawling.  Luckily, Jeff completely understood why I was so upset and let me cry on his shoulder for a good 15 minutes.  Only after I was done crying was I able to muster up a "Congrats!" reply.  Am I a bad sister?  Probably.  Can I help the way I feel?  No.  Am I going to apologize to anyone for the way I feel?  No.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them and am excited to have another niece or nephew come February.  But at the same time I can't help but be sad about our loss.  I was suppose to be next and instead I'm still waiting....and waiting....and waiting.  And what makes it that much harder for me, is they are seriously those people.  You know who I'm talking about.  The people that get knocked up the very first time they try.  Yep, two children now....the very first time with each.  While I'm still struggling, trying to get my stupid body to cooperate even with the help of Clomid. 

I'm now in my second cycle of Clomid (50mg).  I'm on CD17 with no ovulation in sight.  The very first time I took Clomid back in October, I didn't ovulate until CD21, so I'm still trying to hold out hope.  But I'm honestly getting really discouraged.  I'm also torn between continuing treatment with my ob/gyn, or going back to the RE.  I called the RE's office last week to try to speak to a nurse and get her opinion on what to do.  However, I ended up playing phone tag over the course of a couple days and never did get to speak with one.  That made me frustrated and even more upset so I just gave up.  I guess my biggest concern is I'm not being monitored with ultrasound while on Clomid.  I know, I know, in the IF world, that's a big no-no.  However, when both my ob/gyn and RE told me it wasn't necessary, I guess I just decided to trust them and see what happens.  But now that my body seems to be so uncooperative on Clomid, I'm really wishing I was being monitored because I want to see what my ovaries are up to.  So I guess as of now (and I change my mind several times throughout the day so this plan could definitely change at any moment) here is my plan moving forward:

1.  Give this cycle some more time to see if I ovulate.  I have my CD21 check this Friday, where I could discuss either the possiblity of being monitored with her, or asking for a referral back to the RE.  I really don't need a formal approval to go to the RE, but I just feel like I should be up front with her about how I feel and what I'm doing.  The only problem with this you ask?  I'm not actually seeing my own ob/gyn on Friday.  She wasn't available so I'm seeing a different one.  So....not sure how I'm going to pull off talking with Dr. C when I'm not actually going to see her.  I figure I can have the doctor I am seeing relay this info onto Dr. C. (and maybe it wouldn't hurt to get a different ob/gyn's opinion anyway)?

2.  If Dr. C. refuses to do monitoring, I'll make an appointment with the RE and demand they monitor me.  Will they do it if I ask for it, even if that's not their normal protocol?  I guess that would be a question I need answered before I decide to go back to them.  

Ugh, this sucks.  I just feel so lost and don't know what the right thing to do is.  My biggest problem is I've reached the point where I've lost all patience for all of this.  It's been 14 months since I've been off birth control, and have absolutely nothing to show for it.  I want to make Jeff a dad so bad, and yet I'm so powerless to make that happen.  Infertility sucks.  You really can't understand how it feels until you've gone through it. 

Sorry that was so long (see, if I'd write more often my posts wouldn't be so long!).  If you made it this far, congrats to you! 

Waiting

Why can't my body just be normal and do what it's suppose to for once?  I'm 16 dpo and still waiting for my period to start.  I had a huge temp drop at 13 dpo and thought for sure this cycle was coming to an end.  I was prepared for it because I had already tested (it was negative, obviously), and was okay with it.  But the next day my temp sprung way back up (the highest it's been this cycle) and stayed there since.  I don't know what's going on.  I took another test yesterday and it was stark white. 

The ladies on my message board say it could just be the stronger ovulation from taking Clomid caused my progresterone levels to be higher, and is just taking this long to leave my system.  However, my progesterone at 7 dpo was 18.9, so it wasn't that high.   

At this point I don't know what to do.  I get the impression that both my doctor and nurses at my ob/gyn office don't really "believe" in charting, so if I called them and told thim about my temps still being up they'd think I was some sort of loon.  I guess all I can do is wait.  I just worry that this delay in AF is some sort of bad side effect from Clomid, although I don't have any idea what it would be. 

Preparing For A Temp Drop

When we started TTC again, I told myself this time around I wasn't going to get my hopes up.  In my life I always set myself up for disappointment, and therefore I made a pact with myself not to do this while TTC this second time around.  Well, that's way easier said than done.

I had told myself I wasn't going to get stressed out if 3 or 4 Clomid cycles go by and I'm not pregnant yet.  Maybe after 4 cycles I'll let myself start panicking.  And I for sure wasn't placing any expectations at all on this very first cycle.  Ha!  Here I am at 8dpo and I'm already imagining the "what ifs".  I swore I'd never be one of those girls that gets all excited over phantom symptoms.  Especially now that I know what it really feels like (or doesn't feel like) this early on in a pregnancy.  However, with every little twinge I feel in my abdomen I get excited thinking this is it. 

*sigh*

So, all I can do is try not to think about it for the next few days and brace myself for a temp drop.  I'm going to try really hard to hold out on testing until 12dpo because I think a temp drop would be easier to see than a BFN.  But who are we kidding?  A temp drop is going to sting just as bad.